Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s actually not true that people on the autism spectrum cannot emotionally connect with other people. In my family there are people on the spectrum, some extremely so, and in my experience they can have quite intense emotions, and a lot of empathy, but they simply don’t express it in the ways that we are familiar with. So for example if a person doesn’t ask anything about your life, you might interpret that as them not caring about you. But they may feel that if you want to tell them something you simply will do so and do not understand the importance of asking or the extra emotional message that asking sends. If you’ve been married for 25 years, I have to suspect that your spouse feels a strong attachment to you and probably would feel greatly distressed to think that you were feeling emotionally neglected. You might have to give a very specific feedback about things that you want done that are meaningful to you that would not necessarily occur to the other person. And in this way it’s very similar to every marriage. Or at least every marriage I’ve ever heard from, we’re both parties have to work to understand each other and to figure out each other’s needs and how to meet them given their limited capacities in various ways.[/quote]

Aut means self and for a reason. They look at things from their angle. So, they have feelings but not based on being in someone else's shoes from what they say or how they show how they feel. If it makes them scared well then everyone is scared about that and you are just mean because why would you do something scary or ask someone else to? Even if they see everyone else can do the same thing.

I get what you are saying, but first many people who don't have people on the spectrum have no idea what is going on for years and so build up resentment as to why the communication is poor. Secondly many autistic people have limited ways of outwardly expressing with words. Thirdly, there are areas of thinking and processing that don't work fully. So, you are dealing with that as well often blindly because most adults who are parents now were not diagnosed. It's not just an interpretation issue where if I do X, Y will follow. Some of it is and other parts are actual cognitive limitations the same way a 3rd grader can't analyze what a 30-year-old can yet. Even if you learned to speak in Greek as you say, if you said something there are things that can't be comprehended or manifested. Because of the mask a lot of people end up feeling lied to way beyond just having better manners when dating so there is that as well. There are also bad behaviors - serious ones like addictions - that they will do nothing about because again everything is from their angle.

There was a thread on this before, so OP please look back to find it. If you continue here expect to have people with siblings and parents of kids chiming in how it's really just you not doing enough work. They understand their kids' limitations but feel like they need to tell everyone else that there are work arounds as if everyone wants to parent their spouse.[/quote]

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