I'll also just caution that I decided to do the whole submissive wife thing and just get on with my life and my ex turned out to be having an entire other life with affairs, drug addictions etc. So, he was engaged masking with other people while pretending to be flat at home and unable to do anything and we were just giving him a pass to which he thought he'd use his extra time for some fun. Later I found out it had been years of this. So not all the time are these people just living this boring life and content with it. They can also have these biploar attributes.

Anonymous wrote:It’s actually not true that people on the autism spectrum cannot emotionally connect with other people. In my family there are people on the spectrum, some extremely so, and in my experience they can have quite intense emotions, and a lot of empathy, but they simply don’t express it in the ways that we are familiar with. So for example if a person doesn’t ask anything about your life, you might interpret that as them not caring about you. But they may feel that if you want to tell them something you simply will do so and do not understand the importance of asking or the extra emotional message that asking sends. If you’ve been married for 25 years, I have to suspect that your spouse feels a strong attachment to you and probably would feel greatly distressed to think that you were feeling emotionally neglected. You might have to give a very specific feedback about things that you want done that are meaningful to you that would not necessarily occur to the other person. And in this way it’s very similar to every marriage. Or at least every marriage I’ve ever heard from, we’re both parties have to work to understand each other and to figure out each other’s needs and how to meet them given their limited capacities in various ways.

Aut means self and for a reason. They look at things from their angle. So, they have feelings but not based on being in someone else's shoes from what they say or how they show how they feel. If it makes them scared well then everyone is scared about that and you are just mean because why would you do something scary or ask someone else to? Even if they see everyone else can do the same thing.

I get what you are saying, but first many people who don't have people on the spectrum have no idea what is going on for years and so build up resentment as to why the communication is poor. Secondly many autistic people have limited ways of outwardly expressing with words. Thirdly, there are areas of thinking and processing that don't work fully. So, you are dealing with that as well often blindly because most adults who are parents now were not diagnosed. It's not just an interpretation issue where if I do X, Y will follow. Some of it is and other parts are actual cognitive limitations the same way a 3rd grader can't analyze what a 30-year-old can yet. Even if you learned to speak in Greek as you say, if you said something there are things that can't be comprehended or manifested. Because of the mask a lot of people end up feeling lied to way beyond just having better manners when dating so there is that as well. There are also bad behaviors - serious ones like addictions - that they will do nothing about because again everything is from their angle.

There was a thread on this before, so OP please look back to find it. If you continue here expect to have people with siblings and parents of kids chiming in how it's really just you not doing enough work. They understand their kids' limitations but feel like they need to tell everyone else that there are work arounds as if everyone wants to parent their spouse.

My husband likely has ASD/ADHD combo, as does our oldest. However, unlike our kid who is naturally oppositional and short tempered (like a different relative on that side), my husband will stonewall but only rarely expresses anger. Occasionally will disappear for walks in a stormy way, but years in between incidents.

The way is works for us is that he does much of the little kid childcare. During that time, I run the household. He’s emotionally available to me, as I’m his only friend. He encourages me to do anything outside the home I’d like.

I’d describe our marriage as happy. I ignore plenty of stuff, like the forgetfulness and hyper focus tendencies on work.

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

I think you need to take the ASD diagnosis out of this. This is btwn you and your DH and the range of behavioral strengths, weaknesses and needs you both bring to the table. On paper your marriage is like my parents (my dad has Aspergers). He is a physicist who even at the age of 76 is entirely devoted to his work and has no real social needs outside of my mom and visits from his adult kids and grandkids. There is nothing wrong with that. My mom does her own thing and has a very active volunteer/social life. They are perfectly happy.

Now you're not my mom and it may not be enough for you, but there are plenty of neurotypical people, especially women, who find they have to forge ahead with their own social lives and interests as the marriage evolves over time and the grow apart.

Its also important to remember that at one point your DH was able to offer enough emotional connection for you. I'm sure this has changed over time. Maybe he "masked" as some posters have suggested-- although they make it sound like some great con game that was pulled rather than a subconscious adaptation. He's not an automaton and you gave him reasons for marrying you too even though your needs and bandwidth to accommodate him have likely changed as well. I have a couple of friends married to guys like this and both came from families that were highly emotionally reactive (lots of yelling, high passions, etc) so the relatively dispassionate relationships with their DHs initially came as a relief but over time they now need more, which is understandable.

My point is that there are two people involved here. Assuming he's happy with the marriage, then you need to decide whether the benefits of staying with him outweigh the cons--not inspite of who he is, but inspite of who you are. If you need to leave that's fine but don't make you DH's diagnosis the scapegoat. Be honest with who you are and what you need and own the decision.

It’s actually not true that people on the autism spectrum cannot emotionally connect with other people. In my family there are people on the spectrum, some extremely so, and in my experience they can have quite intense emotions, and a lot of empathy, but they simply don’t express it in the ways that we are familiar with. So for example if a person doesn’t ask anything about your life, you might interpret that as them not caring about you. But they may feel that if you want to tell them something you simply will do so and do not understand the importance of asking or the extra emotional message that asking sends. If you’ve been married for 25 years, I have to suspect that your spouse feels a strong attachment to you and probably would feel greatly distressed to think that you were feeling emotionally neglected. You might have to give a very specific feedback about things that you want done that are meaningful to you that would not necessarily occur to the other person. And in this way it’s very similar to every marriage. Or at least every marriage I’ve ever heard from, we’re both parties have to work to understand each other and to figure out each other’s needs and how to meet them given their limited capacities in various ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

no it is not. You just communicate differently. If you only spoke French and I kept telling you things in Greek it wouldn’t work.

Not exactly. Those two languages are pretty comparable. Yes in some ways with the direct communication approach so it's easily understood. In other ways it's like talking to child or animal or an elderly person. Someone with less cognition in whatever area they are deficient in.

IME, it isn’t. Different people are different. Some prefer direct talk. Obviously, it sounds like it would not be a good match for you.

My point was that it wasn't just direct talk and then everything runs smoothly. It's direct talk with a lot of hit or miss.

All my relationships have hits and misses. You must be blessed to have relationships with no misses.

If you see a counselor, it has to be someone well-versed and experienced in neurodiverse/neurotypical covers. There are videos on youtube from Grace Myhill that I found helpful.

Agree with other posters you have to be very direct in what you want and when they are in a calm state.

Typically, the neurotypical spouse has to manage a lot in the household because once they unmask at home they cannot handle more after work. If you have the finances, outsource what you can. Make sure to take time for your own self-care, therapy, and time with close friends at least once a month. Carve out your own life separate from your spouse and kids.

To be honest, it sounds bad but having low expectations helps that way you're not continually disappointed. They often simply cannot due to their ASD/co-existing issues provide emotionally what a spouse needs. You either learn to live and accept it or move on.

You may not be able to do much with your spouse, but energies should be focused on your child to get all the help they need to be as much of a functional adult as possible. You can break ties and split from a spouse but obviously with your kid that's much harder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

no it is not. You just communicate differently. If you only spoke French and I kept telling you things in Greek it wouldn’t work.

Not exactly. Those two languages are pretty comparable. Yes in some ways with the direct communication approach so it's easily understood. In other ways it's like talking to child or animal or an elderly person. Someone with less cognition in whatever area they are deficient in.

IME, it isn’t. Different people are different. Some prefer direct talk. Obviously, it sounds like it would not be a good match for you.

My point was that it wasn't just direct talk and then everything runs smoothly. It's direct talk with a lot of hit or miss.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

no it is not. You just communicate differently. If you only spoke French and I kept telling you things in Greek it wouldn’t work.

Not exactly. Those two languages are pretty comparable. Yes in some ways with the direct communication approach so it's easily understood. In other ways it's like talking to child or animal or an elderly person. Someone with less cognition in whatever area they are deficient in.

IME, it isn’t. Different people are different. Some prefer direct talk. Obviously, it sounds like it would not be a good match for you.

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

New poster. My partner masked until after our second child. Then it became too much for him to keep up and little by little, over a year, everything eroded.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

no it is not. You just communicate differently. If you only spoke French and I kept telling you things in Greek it wouldn’t work.

Not exactly. Those two languages are pretty comparable. Yes in some ways with the direct communication approach so it's easily understood. In other ways it's like talking to child or animal or an elderly person. Someone with less cognition in whatever area they are deficient in.

Anonymous wrote:This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

no it is not. You just communicate differently. If you only spoke French and I kept telling you things in Greek it wouldn’t work.

The hoarding is related to anxiety and depression. Maybe there is a space in the house where he can have all his “stuff”. A safe room for just him.

I was married to a man like this and divorced when he became unsafe but otherwise would have just kept it going for the money and stability at least till the kids graduated college. I learned that he's just not capable of more and basically had to act like I was a single parent. You read about people who have spouses who just sit in front of a TV or something. You have to be ok with that and just a friendly hello and the money it brings. They do everything based on how they feel and what they think. Your thoughts and emotions do not matter. They can't see them or feel them. Maybe enjoy the help you get when he wants to help out. Submissive spouse type of thing but don't expect more by pulling back. I wish we could have stayed married longer for the money and help with errands. Not much else.

Anonymous wrote:This is like programming a computer to do something for you or your coffee maker, or delivery service, etc. Not really a relationship.

This is really offensive to people with ASD. They are human beings with social communication deficits, but they are just as human as you are.