Reply to Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thank you for the responses. DH is great about addressing things in the moment: “No, it’s fine for Caroline to go ride bikes with her friends; you’ll have plenty of time with her tonight and tomorrow.” “Yes, Jessica is going into the office today—I told you before we made plans for this visit that she can’t take off a lot of time.” “Mom, we’re all beat—we’re turning in early tonight.”

But if other posters think an official come to Jesus is for the best, I guess we’d rather try that than just shut them out.[/quote]

Yes, your husband needs to have a talk in general. Be sure and figure out what you enjoy about time with them so you can throw that in and not make them feel attacked. I would have him practice what he will say to make sure it direct, but not hurtful. That is the first step. If you find that and reminders as needed are not enough, next step is hotels when you visit them and they visit you.[/quote]
Sorry, but there is no way to have that conversation without them feeling attacked and hurt.[/quote]

Do you want to foster love or guilt and obligation? Grandparents are living longer so guilt and obligation only work so long before the kids will be young adults with their own choices. If you help the grandparents gently accept teens have different needs and boundaries, hou help foster genuine love and connection. If they give the teens space and try to meet them where they are, there is more chance the teens will want to be involved with them. If you insist the teens suck it up and you all decide out of guilt you must suck it up and tip toe around their feelings, then you risk creating guilt, obligation and fear which are the ingredients for resentment. They could live a loooong time and you want to enjoy those years, not dread visits. Also, it is good exercise for their brains to have to adapt to where everyone is developmentally. It's about social skills. They will need to adapt with their friends as well over the years and as friends pass they will need to keep social skills sharp to make more friends. Don't enable them to be difficult and rigid. help them grow and adapt with the family.[/quote]

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