Reply to If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

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Reply to "If H takes this job, it’s going to break me. "

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He blew up and me and started screaming about how horrible his life is because he has to deal with a nag, I should be grateful for what he does do, and he’s not going to take the job anyway. He then ripped up a love note I had left on the wall thanking him for making dinner (he has made it exactly twice in the last month, and I was trying to positively reinforce it) and told me to never thank him for anything again.

Am I the jerk here? Because I cannot take on anymore. If this job came with a pay raise and we could outsource, I would be supportive, but right now we can’t afford that. [/quote]

IMO you aren’t a jerk for not wanting more dumped on you.  However, because the situation is such that you end up taking on the consequences of his actions, or inactions as the case may be, it is setting up a dynamic where you can’t win and it becomes a fight about power/control.

Starting from the premise he has 50% responsibility for the kids, pets, and keeping the house functioning at the bare minimum level to take care of kids and pets for meals, cleanliness and transportation - what is his plan to do that with current job?  If he was on his own, what would he do?  I would say “look, you are an adult and clearly capable of running top programs at work. If you were on your own or had 50/50 custody, talk me through how this would meet your responsibilities for kids, pets etc. both with current job and one you want to interview?  I’m going to go away for a few days during the week and that will  give you a chance to try out demo/pilot what works.”

Bottom line is you have to shift the responsibility of figuring out what to do and consequences back to him and off of you. As long as he can make a decision where you feel all of the consequences you will be in this struggle where you “nag”, he resents it and makes it about that rather than the root cause of why he can’t handle his responsibilities, you get frustrated because you can’t make an adult do what they don’t want to do and then make it more personal and try to tell them how you would do things and where they had time to do things, then they feel attacked and attack you etc. and after all of this still nothing has changed in a positive direction.[/quote]

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