Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy

There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.

Anonymous wrote:He blew up and me and started screaming about how horrible his life is because he has to deal with a nag, I should be grateful for what he does do, and he’s not going to take the job anyway. He then ripped up a love note I had left on the wall thanking him for making dinner (he has made it exactly twice in the last month, and I was trying to positively reinforce it) and told me to never thank him for anything again.

Am I the jerk here? Because I cannot take on anymore. If this job came with a pay raise and we could outsource, I would be supportive, but right now we can’t afford that.

IMO you aren’t a jerk for not wanting more dumped on you. However, because the situation is such that you end up taking on the consequences of his actions, or inactions as the case may be, it is setting up a dynamic where you can’t win and it becomes a fight about power/control.

Starting from the premise he has 50% responsibility for the kids, pets, and keeping the house functioning at the bare minimum level to take care of kids and pets for meals, cleanliness and transportation - what is his plan to do that with current job? If he was on his own, what would he do? I would say “look, you are an adult and clearly capable of running top programs at work. If you were on your own or had 50/50 custody, talk me through how this would meet your responsibilities for kids, pets etc. both with current job and one you want to interview? I’m going to go away for a few days during the week and that will give you a chance to try out demo/pilot what works.”

Bottom line is you have to shift the responsibility of figuring out what to do and consequences back to him and off of you. As long as he can make a decision where you feel all of the consequences you will be in this struggle where you “nag”, he resents it and makes it about that rather than the root cause of why he can’t handle his responsibilities, you get frustrated because you can’t make an adult do what they don’t want to do and then make it more personal and try to tell them how you would do things and where they had time to do things, then they feel attacked and attack you etc. and after all of this still nothing has changed in a positive direction.

Anonymous wrote:He ripped up a love note you wrote him? In addition to the tantruming and the laziness and the overspending and god knows what else.

Why on earth are you still married to this man, OP? What kind of life is this for your children?

Exactly. OP imagine one of your kids frown and being treated like a partner like this. What would you want them to do?

Because they're watching and learning that this is what relationships look like. They could end up thinking either this is how they treat a partner of this isnhow a partner is supposed to treat them. Screaming, ripping up notes. Is that the life you want for them?

Op, obviously he sucks, and if you're considering divorce, it's understandable.

But if you want to make this marriage work for you, you need to hire help. It's non negotiable. You hire cleaners and childcare help. No question. No compromise.

He ripped up a love note you wrote him? In addition to the tantruming and the laziness and the overspending and god knows what else.

Why on earth are you still married to this man, OP? What kind of life is this for your children?

This is bad bad bad. Definitely get a cleaner, though. For YOU, not for him

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get real practical here. He can take the job, but you get a housecleaner/housekeeper. The end.

I know you said it's not in the budget. Find the money. Lower his cell phone bill, he orders less takeout, whatever.

You need a housecleaner anyway.

OP. This is probably the best solution.

He is absolutely terrible with money, and buys takeout nearly every day. Sometimes to the point where he comes up short for bills. But I think I will tell him, if this job is that important, he will have to sacrifice either his daily takeout, or his leisure time. Since that’s exactly what I do, I have to manage my food budget extremely closely and I have almost zero leisure time. No reason he can’t do the same.

The idea he is going to do either of these things is ridiculous. You have to give up on changing him — it has been years.

You either don’t want to live like this, and you divorce. Or, you outsource and live your life as if he isn’t really there. If he spends more than he makes, I’m very unclear on what he brings to the table.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forget the housework what kind of idiot falls for that nonsense these days? Do lots more work for no pay and ohhh you can get in front of the CEO! Come on, they just want someone to do grunt work they don’t want to do and they don’t want to pay someone. And yes even at high levels grunt work exists it’s just a different flavor.

OP did describe hom as being bad with money.

But seriously OP, I can't emphasize this enough, this is not how jobs work. Taking more responsibility and work and not getting paid for it is a HUGE red flag. The idea that "the CEO will see me" is worth absolutely nothing.

Either they have absolutely no faith in your husband or this place is massively dysfunctional, probably both.

OP. Yea, that’s my concern. If it was an actual promotion with a pay raise, great. But zero flexibility, zero pay raise, and if you screw up (and knowing my H, he will screw up) it permanently hurts you? I can’t do it.

Anonymous wrote:Forget the housework what kind of idiot falls for that nonsense these days? Do lots more work for no pay and ohhh you can get in front of the CEO! Come on, they just want someone to do grunt work they don’t want to do and they don’t want to pay someone. And yes even at high levels grunt work exists it’s just a different flavor.

OP did describe hom as being bad with money.

But seriously OP, I can't emphasize this enough, this is not how jobs work. Taking more responsibility and work and not getting paid for it is a HUGE red flag. The idea that "the CEO will see me" is worth absolutely nothing.

Either they have absolutely no faith in your husband or this place is massively dysfunctional, probably both.

Oof. Let him take that job, sounds terrible. I'd honestly consider divorce. You will still be doing the same amount of work, but be in control of household chores, your own finances without him blowing money, and nobody will be yelling at you or ripping your love notes off the wall like a fckn man baby.

- I speak from experience

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd get real practical here. He can take the job, but you get a housecleaner/housekeeper. The end.

I know you said it's not in the budget. Find the money. Lower his cell phone bill, he orders less takeout, whatever.

You need a housecleaner anyway.

OP. This is probably the best solution.

He is absolutely terrible with money, and buys takeout nearly every day. Sometimes to the point where he comes up short for bills. But I think I will tell him, if this job is that important, he will have to sacrifice either his daily takeout, or his leisure time. Since that’s exactly what I do, I have to manage my food budget extremely closely and I have almost zero leisure time. No reason he can’t do the same.

You’re still buying the bs narrative of leisure time etc. And you have separate food budgets? Whose budget does the kids food come out of? Nothing will change until you first get some outside help and two file for divorce.

Yeah that’s not the opportunity he thinks it is. If he takes the new job he is hands down getting played.

Forget the housework what kind of idiot falls for that nonsense these days? Do lots more work for no pay and ohhh you can get in front of the CEO! Come on, they just want someone to do grunt work they don’t want to do and they don’t want to pay someone. And yes even at high levels grunt work exists it’s just a different flavor.

Anonymous wrote:I'd honestly divorce a guy like this. He's also delusional about the job. He's taking a management job that's more demanding with no pay raise but maybe a pay raise in 6 months? No one should ever take a job under those circumstances. That's a trap. They're always going to be dangling vague stuff in front of him for no pay raise.

This is the answer here. It’s not about the chores, but his inability to make something happen and understand current reality.

Anonymous wrote:I'd get real practical here. He can take the job, but you get a housecleaner/housekeeper. The end.

I know you said it's not in the budget. Find the money. Lower his cell phone bill, he orders less takeout, whatever.

You need a housecleaner anyway.

OP. This is probably the best solution.

He is absolutely terrible with money, and buys takeout nearly every day. Sometimes to the point where he comes up short for bills. But I think I will tell him, if this job is that important, he will have to sacrifice either his daily takeout, or his leisure time. Since that’s exactly what I do, I have to manage my food budget extremely closely and I have almost zero leisure time. No reason he can’t do the same.