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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]  I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling.  I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. [b]Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.
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   Anyone else in this world want to chime in?[/quote]

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it?  I would try to sort through that.  Who cares what people think.  You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents?  If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin.  She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time.  She just said it matter of fact.  Because that's what it is.  A matter of fact.  It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person.   Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.[/quote]

OP here. These are questions I have been asked in therapy. I think it has been ingrained in me people will think I am horrible person by the very people who do the abuse, but also I have also heard some judgment of others like me by people I thought were decent. I did share my perspective based on my experience and I try to assume ignorance. I have one friend (not close) who has led a pretty sheltered life and was raised by parents who worshiped the ground she walked on after struggling with infertility for so long. She truly doesn't think abuse in any form exists. I had the most bizarre conversation with her about it after she heard a story from her sister about one of her students. I think I am learning to take an educate, but then step back if needed approach to people who I find judgmental and I know not to share my own story with them.

I do think the self doubt is both a strength and a weakness. It causes me to reflect often on how I treat my own children and apologize when needed and make changes. It also causes me to blame myself still for some of what I experienced in my family of origin, which is problematic.[/quote]

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