It is hard. My sister in law is emotionally and verbally abusive towards my brother and at times her kids. She can also be a lovely person and no one outside the family would have a clue.

Everyone just feels trapped in the dynamic and despite seeing the impact on my brother and the kids, there isn't much anyone can do. It is all complicated by the fact that they constantly try to get her approval / love and defend her if anyone says anything.

It is the cycle that makes it so hard to break. My brother is a shadow of a person now, he just tries his best to protect the kids and keep her happy and get through each day but his spirit is broken and there is no fight in him to get out.

OMG OP I am currently going through this now, and you know how I dealt with it? Just this morning? I confided in my husband.

It was so hard because it's heavy and I do'nt want to be a burden. I'm embarrassed that something that happened so long ago is keeping me back from being a better spouse and mom and human being. But I have learned about trauma and I understand now that healing is not done alone. As hard and terrifying as it is, we heal with others.

I'm not totally healed but confiding in my husband inexplicably has lifted a huge burden, and for some reason I feel more confident going forward.

I highly recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score. Also check out this video:
https://youtu.be/ZoZT8-HqI64

Hey OP, I bookmarked this thread weeks ago and just getting around to posting.

I grew up with a violent alcoholic gambling philandering POS father who made my mother so miserable she was emotionally disconnected from me from before I was even born, when she allowed him to batter me in the womb. They were both narcissists, my father overt and my mother covert/martyr. On the surface our family looked ‘normal,’ but next door neighbors knew different. There was no affection for me, and no acceptance. I was the scapegoat child while my older brother was the golden who was encouraged to bully me and so every single day of my childhood there was bullying by one of them and some days all three. The only happy memories I have were formed during the summer weeks I spent with my grandmother - my mother always complained that I loved her mother so much (what a narc, huh?) and suggested it was only because she lived at the beach. Well she left the beach when I was only six and I still wanted to be with her every chance I could and would have if she’d lived in a tenement it was just about the peace I had at her house - she was not overly affectionate and not at all spoiling, she just didn’t abuse me. The chance to spend days and weeks without daily verbal or physical abuse was bliss, and when I escaped my family for college it was the same. I thrived under the encouragement of professors and it turns out, I was very very smart and accomplished a great deal despite being told all my life I was a worthless piece of crap who would never amount to anything and was unlovable and a mistake to boot.

It took me many years of chasing every means of escape before I finally, in middle age and with my physical and mental health breaking down, confronted my demons. I’m a very sensitive empath who doubtless suffered all the more for being exposed to that kind of abuse - and while the physical was terrifying it is the verbal which destroyed my psyche. I developed anxious/avoidant attachment disorder, the worst kind. And I have never been able to trust love, except that which was offered me by dogs. Even today the friends I know must love me because of how they have been there for me - I do not really believe they love me.

The older I have become and the more I have observed - long time working as a domestic violence advocate and later attorney, including criminal law attorney and family law attorney - the more sure I am that a great many people are struggling from childhood trauma very much unresolved. There is some comfort in the certainty I am not alone, including in being someone who will not see a single blood relative at the holidays - but mostly I am just sad at the reality of how much abuse is happening all around us every day and how many children are being crushed by those who should most cherish them but instead they will struggle all their lives with the fallout, because childhood trauma is not easily overcome even with the best mental health resources and the vast majority of people get none.

Humans aren’t such a great species, I think.

Anyway you are not alone and you are not one bit at fault. Innocent babies never deserve to be abused in any way. So sad that so many are. I’m glad you have a family of your own and are doing everything you can to break the cycle. I hope you have a good holiday season and don’t spend too much time lamenting the family that cannot love you as you deserve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with one parent who was most definitely emotionally and verbally abusive, though there was no physical violence that I remember. Creating boundaries with that parent was a big emotional job in my late teens and 20s. I did it. I have a low contact relationship with her that works pretty well. I’ve never really gone to therapy for this but the most therapeutic thing in my life is building my own family in a different way. My teen and young adult children see their relationship with me as strong and loving. I think it’s the best we can do.

There’s a real risk that you’re living through your kids and they are affected by it.

Also, my mom thought she was breaking free from her abusive (really) parents. She wasn’t, instead she was dysfunctional with us kids in different ways.

I guess my point is, don’t seek all your validation from your kids or from DCUM. It can put unbearable pressure on your kids and, without examples in your own parents, you may not even know what loving, competent parenting looks like. You need to work this out with a therapist.

This x1000. Especially the part about the kids. Don't lay this on their shoulders. They should NOT be your therapists. They need to lead their little lives without the weight of your problems bringing them down, OP. If you love them, then you will take them out of the loop.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with one parent who was most definitely emotionally and verbally abusive, though there was no physical violence that I remember. Creating boundaries with that parent was a big emotional job in my late teens and 20s. I did it. I have a low contact relationship with her that works pretty well. I’ve never really gone to therapy for this but the most therapeutic thing in my life is building my own family in a different way. My teen and young adult children see their relationship with me as strong and loving. I think it’s the best we can do.

There’s a real risk that you’re living through your kids and they are affected by it.

Also, my mom thought she was breaking free from her abusive (really) parents. She wasn’t, instead she was dysfunctional with us kids in different ways.

I guess my point is, don’t seek all your validation from your kids or from DCUM. It can put unbearable pressure on your kids and, without examples in your own parents, you may not even know what loving, competent parenting looks like. You need to work this out with a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with one parent who was most definitely emotionally and verbally abusive, though there was no physical violence that I remember. Creating boundaries with that parent was a big emotional job in my late teens and 20s. I did it. I have a low contact relationship with her that works pretty well. I’ve never really gone to therapy for this but the most therapeutic thing in my life is building my own family in a different way. My teen and young adult children see their relationship with me as strong and loving. I think it’s the best we can do.

I’m the pp whose sibling is using her role as executor to harangue and harass me. I have also done the bolded above. I worked hard to break the cycle and create the kind of family situation I would have liked to have grown up in. My family is not perfect, of course, but things are so much better than with my family of origin.

It is partly because of the strong bonds of love present with my spouse and children that I can withstand the blows my sibling attempts to send my way. It apparently bothers her to no end that I simply do not react to her attempts to provoke me, but that is what moving on and beyond looks like.

Good for you for not letting your sibling bully you! You are a good example for your kids.

Thanks. It’s been difficult to deal with, but I’ve moved on. I realize I can’t fix other people and I can only take responsibility for my own actions.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you ask, "I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this?"

Yes, definitely. The abuse and trauma I experienced are a huge part of my daily life but keeping it hidden most of the time is very isolating. I have an amazing therapist with whom I can be 100% honest, but the rest of the time, there is almost always something I am keeping quiet or hiding. Nobody, even my lovely, trusted friend, wants to hear that I had memories six times in the last hour or whatever. And people don't realize how much questions involving our families or our youth come up in conversation.

What I have found freeing (besides the healing of therapy) is being honest with myself. So often I tried to deny my past and its effects on me, pretending that I wasn't having flashbacks or memories or reactions. Accepting them has made them easier to bear.

OP here. Thanks. This is helpful.

You know how the latest cultural thing on social media is "core memories." Every time my family tried to created that it turned into dysfunction. I have so many memories of threats of violence (that I knew would not be acted on, but still scary), intimidation, gaslighting, tantrums, insults. My happiest memories all took place away from my family-sleepovers or hangouts with friends, parents of friends who were kind and nurturing to me, teachers who cared, going off to college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Paragraphs, please!

+1 Without paragraphs it is difficult to read & seems like you are yelling at readers.)

My take is that OP wrote without paragraphs because she thinks that will make her post seem more believable. Note that in her supposed replies she is able to successfully use paragraphs. This is a post written by a drama troll to get off on attention.

OP here. I changed to paragraphs because I had not noticed I forgot them. I read the feedback and made the change.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

For some survivors of childhood neglect and abuse, the desire to feel heard and understood is a deeply felt emotional scar that can be traced back to their experience as children. It’s very, very normal for a survivor of this kind of childhood to crave people who “get it.”

It’s great you found a way to talk about your own experience and encountered someone else who has totally shed any shame from it. But it’s also useful to have empathy for those on a different journey. It’s easy to say “who cares” about someone else’s emotional struggle, but this kind of judgement doesn’t help anyone.

Oh, and for people who struggle to discuss these issues, disclosing on an anonymous board can be a way to stop hiding. Do this is a good place to be particularly supportive.

OP again. This is an interest perspective and i agree that sometimes I almost feel invisible or like my needs don't matter. I do crave people who get it and posting here helps. I have been gaslit so much I sometimes feel so confused. That said, I get the question "who cares?" and in the end all that should matter is what I think and being true to myself and my experience. I am not there yet, but getting better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

OP here. These are questions I have been asked in therapy. I think it has been ingrained in me people will think I am horrible person by the very people who do the abuse, but also I have also heard some judgment of others like me by people I thought were decent. I did share my perspective based on my experience and I try to assume ignorance. I have one friend (not close) who has led a pretty sheltered life and was raised by parents who worshiped the ground she walked on after struggling with infertility for so long. She truly doesn't think abuse in any form exists. I had the most bizarre conversation with her about it after she heard a story from her sister about one of her students. I think I am learning to take an educate, but then step back if needed approach to people who I find judgmental and I know not to share my own story with them.

I do think the self doubt is both a strength and a weakness. It causes me to reflect often on how I treat my own children and apologize when needed and make changes. It also causes me to blame myself still for some of what I experienced in my family of origin, which is problematic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Paragraphs, please!

+1 Without paragraphs it is difficult to read & seems like you are yelling at readers.)

Then leave. Many of us who have suffered as children developed empathy and patience, which serves the world well. It is a survival skill. If you have no empathy or patience, you aren't really needed here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with one parent who was most definitely emotionally and verbally abusive, though there was no physical violence that I remember. Creating boundaries with that parent was a big emotional job in my late teens and 20s. I did it. I have a low contact relationship with her that works pretty well. I’ve never really gone to therapy for this but the most therapeutic thing in my life is building my own family in a different way. My teen and young adult children see their relationship with me as strong and loving. I think it’s the best we can do.

I’m the pp whose sibling is using her role as executor to harangue and harass me. I have also done the bolded above. I worked hard to break the cycle and create the kind of family situation I would have liked to have grown up in. My family is not perfect, of course, but things are so much better than with my family of origin.

It is partly because of the strong bonds of love present with my spouse and children that I can withstand the blows my sibling attempts to send my way. It apparently bothers her to no end that I simply do not react to her attempts to provoke me, but that is what moving on and beyond looks like.

Good for you for not letting your sibling bully you! You are a good example for your kids.

OP, you ask, "I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this?"

Yes, definitely. The abuse and trauma I experienced are a huge part of my daily life but keeping it hidden most of the time is very isolating. I have an amazing therapist with whom I can be 100% honest, but the rest of the time, there is almost always something I am keeping quiet or hiding. Nobody, even my lovely, trusted friend, wants to hear that I had memories six times in the last hour or whatever. And people don't realize how much questions involving our families or our youth come up in conversation.

What I have found freeing (besides the healing of therapy) is being honest with myself. So often I tried to deny my past and its effects on me, pretending that I wasn't having flashbacks or memories or reactions. Accepting them has made them easier to bear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

For some survivors of childhood neglect and abuse, the desire to feel heard and understood is a deeply felt emotional scar that can be traced back to their experience as children. It’s very, very normal for a survivor of this kind of childhood to crave people who “get it.”

It’s great you found a way to talk about your own experience and encountered someone else who has totally shed any shame from it. But it’s also useful to have empathy for those on a different journey. It’s easy to say “who cares” about someone else’s emotional struggle, but this kind of judgement doesn’t help anyone.

Oh, and for people who struggle to discuss these issues, disclosing on an anonymous board can be a way to stop hiding. Do this is a good place to be particularly supportive.

Apologies if it seemed I was saying "who cares" about anyone's emotional struggle. I don't see that in my words at all, but maybe you and others do.

The point I was trying to make is that keeping secrets or hiding things out of shame will eat a person up. But is any of this easy? No.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

For some survivors of childhood neglect and abuse, the desire to feel heard and understood is a deeply felt emotional scar that can be traced back to their experience as children. It’s very, very normal for a survivor of this kind of childhood to crave people who “get it.”

It’s great you found a way to talk about your own experience and encountered someone else who has totally shed any shame from it. But it’s also useful to have empathy for those on a different journey. It’s easy to say “who cares” about someone else’s emotional struggle, but this kind of judgement doesn’t help anyone.

Oh, and for people who struggle to discuss these issues, disclosing on an anonymous board can be a way to stop hiding. Do this is a good place to be particularly supportive.

Um, it can also be extremely unhelpful to only seek validation without moving towards growth. Getting stuck in the affirmation mode, only wanting validation, can be more helpful than not. Shaming someone for encouraging the poster to move on isn't helpful. It would be much better to see that OP post about her efforts to improve her mental health, her self image and her interactions with others by discussing her growth through therapy.

Wasn’t shaming anyone, nor advising anyone to just seek validation or affirmation. Just encouraging empathy. You can tell someone to move on or that what other people think doesn’t matter all day long, but if they are still struggling with abandonment and self-worth issues, it won’t help and could actually hurt. Your personal experience is not universal.

She needs to be encouraged to go into therapy, not continuing to post here. This does nothing. Working with a trained therapist can help her and, judging from her post, she obviously needs the help. Time to stop wallowing and vacillating. She needs to move on.