Reply to How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother

Forum Index » Eldercare

Reply to "How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Greatly appreciate some of the perspectives here. I also think I've found a new nickname, the Saucy Minx!

One thing with my mother is that her whole life she's always looked to others to make her happy. And we all fall short.  Her bar for being happy is impossibly high.  She always says "of only your brother got married, I'll be happy". He got married and it didn't help.  Then it was "if only I had grandkids I'll be happy". She has four grandkids and it didn't help.  Then she says she'll be happy if only she lived near her adult daughter, me.  I move her down here, sell her house and arrange everything, but it didn't make her any happier. It's not like she even has friends up there since she's a hermit.  She is also reclusive and agoraphobic and has mobility issues. Doing outdoor activities is out of the question. So we sit on the sofa drinking tea, while she stews about her incredibly disappointing life.  I asked her once to find anything in life that has been positive and she literally couldn't find anything.  That is incredibly sad.  She loves playing the victim too, it is her entire identity.  Her life hasn't been easy always but she has always had security, a roof over her head,  food, shelter, family, successful children, a spouse (who perhaps wasn't the best always but tried in their own way).

It's so depressing.  When my father died it was very sad but he had a full good life, minus dealing with my difficult mother.  My mother, when it is her time, is bitter and a so called tragic figure, who regrets everything.  I think I'll be more sad when she does BC she didn't find any kind of joy, silver lining or fulfillment in her life.  Everyone, even the best people have disappointed her and she still doesn't have the perspective to recognize her patterns and her impossible expectations of a perfect life.  [/quote]

LOL. My husband and I secretly call my mother "The Queen" or "her magestry." My snooty mother mocks me for being a simpleton because so many little things make me happy-a beautiful day, a walk, my kids smiling, a fun get together with a friend, a good cup of coffee anything. My life has been much harder than hers I know we must cherish every thing good in life. She has traveled the world, been to all sorts of luxury places, eaten at the finest restaurants, met famous people and she just can't seem to find joy for very long. I had to accept she is miserable by nature and I need to stop trying to fix that. I also had to accept she cannot be pleased and I need to stop trying to please and just do what I can handle.

My dad was kind to me until the end. I assume my mother will be bitter, nasty and full of vitriol until the bitter end. I try to be in her life. I try to bring some light. I also learned I cannot do anything at the expense of my sanity. I was spending way too much time hashing out her crazy behavior in therapy as my therapist looked horrified that a mother could behave this way. It helps to see her as a cartoonist caricature of an entitled angry Queen or a disturbing sitcom character. it is still a work in progress not to take it personally, but I have made some progress there thanks to a break I took which was bliss. I could finally breathe and sleep better and not feel like I had a rope around my neck. It's sad because she is so critical of the mentally ill and thinks they should be locked away yet she is one of "them." If she had just gotten therapy and meds I think life could have been so different.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics