Anonymous
10/28/2022 13:26
Subject: Re:How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Anonymous wrote:Here's a thought -- ask her these 4 questions every time you see her (I did this with my kid's every night when they were little)
1) what were you grateful for today? (help her come up with some things if she cannot think of any. Could be as simple as a roof over her head, a comfortable chair, etc)
2) what was a "win" today?
3) what was a loss?
4) what are you looking forward to tomorrow?
It may help to shift her thinking into being in a state of gratitude.
Hope this works OP. If your mom is anything like mine this will set off a cussing rant or tantrum about psychobabble and she will see this as insulting and talking down to her. I will say this sort of thing works well with kids and I have used it with my own.
Anonymous
10/28/2022 12:27
Subject: Re:How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Here's a thought -- ask her these 4 questions every time you see her (I did this with my kid's every night when they were little)
1) what were you grateful for today? (help her come up with some things if she cannot think of any. Could be as simple as a roof over her head, a comfortable chair, etc)
2) what was a "win" today?
3) what was a loss?
4) what are you looking forward to tomorrow?
It may help to shift her thinking into being in a state of gratitude.
1) what were you grateful for today? (help her come up with some things if she cannot think of any. Could be as simple as a roof over her head, a comfortable chair, etc)
2) what was a "win" today?
3) what was a loss?
4) what are you looking forward to tomorrow?
It may help to shift her thinking into being in a state of gratitude.
Anonymous
10/28/2022 12:02
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Just sending hugs OP. This describes my mother to a "T" as well. It's hard. Lots of good advice on here. Best of luck.
Anonymous
10/22/2022 13:01
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
You tell her you differ about how you see dad and it's best she talk to her therapist about those feelings. I finally after many years drew a line in the sand and refused to be the sounding person for gossip, hostility, guilt trips. It means we have only brief conversations about weather and happy events. She hates it and tells me what a disappointment and horrible daughter I am for not being her receptacle for emotional vomit. I leave as soon as she goes there and take a long break from her. I am baffled by the research suggesting optimists and social people live longer. In my family and my husband's the more angry, bitter and abusive, the longer they live.
Anonymous
10/22/2022 10:17
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Hi, I don't have advice but wanted to share I'm going through something similar with my mom who is almost 70. I appreciate the suggestion of this book - I think she could either have BPD or NPD. I could use some help figuring out how to deal with it because it has been a damaging emotional rollercoaster for the last 15 years. It's really hard and my friends, family members, and therapist have not been able to help me find solutions that work. Looking forward to reading the book.
Anonymous
10/22/2022 10:00
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Honestly your mom sounds like she has BPD.
My mom does, and I was once like you -- enmeshed in her mental illness, treating it as if it is normal. It's not. And it's hurting you. Try to draw some boundaries. It's very hard later in life but possible.
The workbook Stop Walking on Eggshells is a terrific start.
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895/ref=pd_lpo_2?pd_rd_w=MY2eJ&content-id=amzn1.sym.116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_p=116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_r=Y10B8J78HKMK1A3E1SYZ&pd_rd_wg=Bz71I&pd_rd_r=674abb4c-379d-4bf6-b519-28baf262f855&pd_rd_i=1684036895&psc=1
OP here. You hit the nail on the head. In addition to being a long term bipolar diagnosis, several years ago her old psych (who my mother gave permission to talk with me), told me that she has characteristics of borderline personality disorder. I just didn't mention it in my original post BC it doesn't seem as common as say bipolar. That same psych recommended that same book. I never read it, but now I will purchase as I clearly need some guidance.
My mother originally wanted me to talk to her psych so the psych could share with me on how to be a better adult daughter and support my mother in her grief. (My father had died earlier that year. My mother always disliked my father and even many many years later blames him for everything even though he's been long dead.). The psych and I had a short convo. And I finally asked what was really wrong with her. That's when I finally got confirmation of what I had long suspected. Bipolar and this new term, borderline personality disorder. I asked the psych if my mother was aware of her diagnosis and he affirmed yes. A couple weeks later I was talking with my mother about the convo, how I could best help her and I gently asked if the psych had ever talked to her about her diagnosis, specifically bipolar. My mother is a decent actress, feigned shock, and then got angry and said none of it was true BC all her problems are due to my horrible dead father. I thought that was really weird that she didn't own it.
Years and years later, I was having a long fraught convo with my mother about her horrible life and she said everything is my father's fault. I reminded her that he's been dead 13 years and it can't be all him, and maybe part of it is also related to her and her depression etc. She asked me angrily what I was talking about. I asked her about her mental health diagnosis, since she is on mood stabilizers, benzos, anti psychotic meds, etc. She got angry and said she was perfectly fine but that it was everyone else's fault that she was the way she was. She is in complete denial and blames everyone else. It's not her fault that she is bipolar and bod, but I was just looking for some acknowledgment and ownership, and not constant victim martyr blame games. It's so bizarre
This reminds me a lot of my mother, but my mother doesn't stick with therapy or meds and after dad died she stopped blaming him and started blaming me. After a few sessions of therapy and maybe a few months of meds, she feels better, declares herself cured and drops everything. My own therapist suggested she may have bipolar and Borderline when hearing what I faced with her and for a while I kept saying "oh noooooo, she's not like THAT, she's not that extreme", but she really is. My mother's whole deal with my dad is so strange. Throughout their marriage she portrayed herself as the saint and him as the bad guy and I bought into it even though he was kind to us. She was full of rage and resentment as he became ill and declined and we had to get her to stop taking it out on him. After he died, he rage turned to me, the one who was there for her. She now puts him on a pedestal and visits his grave often. They have the perfect marriage now that he is gone, unable to speak up and unable to move all those feet underground. She talks about how much she misses him and for years has been playing the forlorn widow card. Now she no longer blames him for all her problems, she blames me because if i was a better daughter everything would be better. She completely lacks self-awareness or a sense of basic decency or character. When I take breaks from her she lashes out at strangers and it is always their fault-the terrible bank teller, the horrible nurse, the wretched doctor, the incompetent person at the grocery store. They all deserve a tongue lashing from her and have victimized her.
Anonymous
10/22/2022 07:05
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Anonymous wrote:Honestly your mom sounds like she has BPD.
My mom does, and I was once like you -- enmeshed in her mental illness, treating it as if it is normal. It's not. And it's hurting you. Try to draw some boundaries. It's very hard later in life but possible.
The workbook Stop Walking on Eggshells is a terrific start.
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895/ref=pd_lpo_2?pd_rd_w=MY2eJ&content-id=amzn1.sym.116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_p=116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_r=Y10B8J78HKMK1A3E1SYZ&pd_rd_wg=Bz71I&pd_rd_r=674abb4c-379d-4bf6-b519-28baf262f855&pd_rd_i=1684036895&psc=1
OP here. You hit the nail on the head. In addition to being a long term bipolar diagnosis, several years ago her old psych (who my mother gave permission to talk with me), told me that she has characteristics of borderline personality disorder. I just didn't mention it in my original post BC it doesn't seem as common as say bipolar. That same psych recommended that same book. I never read it, but now I will purchase as I clearly need some guidance.
My mother originally wanted me to talk to her psych so the psych could share with me on how to be a better adult daughter and support my mother in her grief. (My father had died earlier that year. My mother always disliked my father and even many many years later blames him for everything even though he's been long dead.). The psych and I had a short convo. And I finally asked what was really wrong with her. That's when I finally got confirmation of what I had long suspected. Bipolar and this new term, borderline personality disorder. I asked the psych if my mother was aware of her diagnosis and he affirmed yes. A couple weeks later I was talking with my mother about the convo, how I could best help her and I gently asked if the psych had ever talked to her about her diagnosis, specifically bipolar. My mother is a decent actress, feigned shock, and then got angry and said none of it was true BC all her problems are due to my horrible dead father. I thought that was really weird that she didn't own it.
Years and years later, I was having a long fraught convo with my mother about her horrible life and she said everything is my father's fault. I reminded her that he's been dead 13 years and it can't be all him, and maybe part of it is also related to her and her depression etc. She asked me angrily what I was talking about. I asked her about her mental health diagnosis, since she is on mood stabilizers, benzos, anti psychotic meds, etc. She got angry and said she was perfectly fine but that it was everyone else's fault that she was the way she was. She is in complete denial and blames everyone else. It's not her fault that she is bipolar and bod, but I was just looking for some acknowledgment and ownership, and not constant victim martyr blame games. It's so bizarre
Anonymous
10/20/2022 10:26
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Honestly your mom sounds like she has BPD.
My mom does, and I was once like you -- enmeshed in her mental illness, treating it as if it is normal. It's not. And it's hurting you. Try to draw some boundaries. It's very hard later in life but possible.
The workbook Stop Walking on Eggshells is a terrific start.
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895/ref=pd_lpo_2?pd_rd_w=MY2eJ&content-id=amzn1.sym.116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_p=116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_r=Y10B8J78HKMK1A3E1SYZ&pd_rd_wg=Bz71I&pd_rd_r=674abb4c-379d-4bf6-b519-28baf262f855&pd_rd_i=1684036895&psc=1
My mom does, and I was once like you -- enmeshed in her mental illness, treating it as if it is normal. It's not. And it's hurting you. Try to draw some boundaries. It's very hard later in life but possible.
The workbook Stop Walking on Eggshells is a terrific start.
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895/ref=pd_lpo_2?pd_rd_w=MY2eJ&content-id=amzn1.sym.116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_p=116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_r=Y10B8J78HKMK1A3E1SYZ&pd_rd_wg=Bz71I&pd_rd_r=674abb4c-379d-4bf6-b519-28baf262f855&pd_rd_i=1684036895&psc=1
Anonymous
10/19/2022 17:45
Subject: Re:How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Greatly appreciate some of the perspectives here. I also think I've found a new nickname, the Saucy Minx!
One thing with my mother is that her whole life she's always looked to others to make her happy. And we all fall short. Her bar for being happy is impossibly high. She always says "of only your brother got married, I'll be happy". He got married and it didn't help. Then it was "if only I had grandkids I'll be happy". She has four grandkids and it didn't help. Then she says she'll be happy if only she lived near her adult daughter, me. I move her down here, sell her house and arrange everything, but it didn't make her any happier. It's not like she even has friends up there since she's a hermit. She is also reclusive and agoraphobic and has mobility issues. Doing outdoor activities is out of the question. So we sit on the sofa drinking tea, while she stews about her incredibly disappointing life. I asked her once to find anything in life that has been positive and she literally couldn't find anything. That is incredibly sad. She loves playing the victim too, it is her entire identity. Her life hasn't been easy always but she has always had security, a roof over her head, food, shelter, family, successful children, a spouse (who perhaps wasn't the best always but tried in their own way).
It's so depressing. When my father died it was very sad but he had a full good life, minus dealing with my difficult mother. My mother, when it is her time, is bitter and a so called tragic figure, who regrets everything. I think I'll be more sad when she does BC she didn't find any kind of joy, silver lining or fulfillment in her life. Everyone, even the best people have disappointed her and she still doesn't have the perspective to recognize her patterns and her impossible expectations of a perfect life.
LOL. My husband and I secretly call my mother "The Queen" or "her magestry." My snooty mother mocks me for being a simpleton because so many little things make me happy-a beautiful day, a walk, my kids smiling, a fun get together with a friend, a good cup of coffee anything. My life has been much harder than hers I know we must cherish every thing good in life. She has traveled the world, been to all sorts of luxury places, eaten at the finest restaurants, met famous people and she just can't seem to find joy for very long. I had to accept she is miserable by nature and I need to stop trying to fix that. I also had to accept she cannot be pleased and I need to stop trying to please and just do what I can handle.
My dad was kind to me until the end. I assume my mother will be bitter, nasty and full of vitriol until the bitter end. I try to be in her life. I try to bring some light. I also learned I cannot do anything at the expense of my sanity. I was spending way too much time hashing out her crazy behavior in therapy as my therapist looked horrified that a mother could behave this way. It helps to see her as a cartoonist caricature of an entitled angry Queen or a disturbing sitcom character. it is still a work in progress not to take it personally, but I have made some progress there thanks to a break I took which was bliss. I could finally breathe and sleep better and not feel like I had a rope around my neck. It's sad because she is so critical of the mentally ill and thinks they should be locked away yet she is one of "them." If she had just gotten therapy and meds I think life could have been so different.
Anonymous
10/19/2022 10:59
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
OP, she is eighty and mentally ill. She’s not gonna change. Accept that the visits will suck. Do something nice for yourself after each one.
Anonymous
10/19/2022 10:54
Subject: Re:How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
OP here. Greatly appreciate some of the perspectives here. I also think I've found a new nickname, the Saucy Minx!
One thing with my mother is that her whole life she's always looked to others to make her happy. And we all fall short. Her bar for being happy is impossibly high. She always says "of only your brother got married, I'll be happy". He got married and it didn't help. Then it was "if only I had grandkids I'll be happy". She has four grandkids and it didn't help. Then she says she'll be happy if only she lived near her adult daughter, me. I move her down here, sell her house and arrange everything, but it didn't make her any happier. It's not like she even has friends up there since she's a hermit. She is also reclusive and agoraphobic and has mobility issues. Doing outdoor activities is out of the question. So we sit on the sofa drinking tea, while she stews about her incredibly disappointing life. I asked her once to find anything in life that has been positive and she literally couldn't find anything. That is incredibly sad. She loves playing the victim too, it is her entire identity. Her life hasn't been easy always but she has always had security, a roof over her head, food, shelter, family, successful children, a spouse (who perhaps wasn't the best always but tried in their own way).
It's so depressing. When my father died it was very sad but he had a full good life, minus dealing with my difficult mother. My mother, when it is her time, is bitter and a so called tragic figure, who regrets everything. I think I'll be more sad when she does BC she didn't find any kind of joy, silver lining or fulfillment in her life. Everyone, even the best people have disappointed her and she still doesn't have the perspective to recognize her patterns and her impossible expectations of a perfect life.
One thing with my mother is that her whole life she's always looked to others to make her happy. And we all fall short. Her bar for being happy is impossibly high. She always says "of only your brother got married, I'll be happy". He got married and it didn't help. Then it was "if only I had grandkids I'll be happy". She has four grandkids and it didn't help. Then she says she'll be happy if only she lived near her adult daughter, me. I move her down here, sell her house and arrange everything, but it didn't make her any happier. It's not like she even has friends up there since she's a hermit. She is also reclusive and agoraphobic and has mobility issues. Doing outdoor activities is out of the question. So we sit on the sofa drinking tea, while she stews about her incredibly disappointing life. I asked her once to find anything in life that has been positive and she literally couldn't find anything. That is incredibly sad. She loves playing the victim too, it is her entire identity. Her life hasn't been easy always but she has always had security, a roof over her head, food, shelter, family, successful children, a spouse (who perhaps wasn't the best always but tried in their own way).
It's so depressing. When my father died it was very sad but he had a full good life, minus dealing with my difficult mother. My mother, when it is her time, is bitter and a so called tragic figure, who regrets everything. I think I'll be more sad when she does BC she didn't find any kind of joy, silver lining or fulfillment in her life. Everyone, even the best people have disappointed her and she still doesn't have the perspective to recognize her patterns and her impossible expectations of a perfect life.
Anonymous
10/19/2022 10:17
Subject: How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother
My mom is almost 70. She is borderline, depressed, and has anxiety. She was afraid of germs before covid. She has never been on meds. Hasn't been to many therapy appointments. Has never had a functional relationship.
I generally see her in person once a year. They are short, stressful visits. She finds 100 things to complain about. Her loneliness makes me sad but her happiness is not my responsibility.
And she will never be happy anyway. It is not possible.
I generally see her in person once a year. They are short, stressful visits. She finds 100 things to complain about. Her loneliness makes me sad but her happiness is not my responsibility.
And she will never be happy anyway. It is not possible.