Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

I notice that you tend to phrase things as simple requests. Try changing your comments from questions/requests to statements to see if he reacts better to those.

Instead of "can I get you a cough drop?" try "I noticed you have a cough." You could add "I hope you're okay."
Instead of "Would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn." try "I notice the lawn is getting high again."

These statements call attention to whatever it is, but do not demand a response from him. And it leaves it up to him if he chooses to respond. He may feel that the questions/requests feel demanding that he stop what he is doing and respond when he may not want to. For people who have attention issues and want to maintain focus, interruptions, especially ones that demand attention and response, can be particularly annoying. So try communicating in statements where he can choose to respond or not rather than demanding a response from every interaction.

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Of course these aren't the first words out of my mouth. I do understand time and place. The first words out of my mouth when my DH comes home with food are "Thank you." I might make such a comment while I was eating the cottage cheese days later and it would just come out as a oh, I think I like X better than X. But there is no doubt, if I was unloading the groceries that my DH brought home and I commented on on the food then I'd be the one shopping, because what an a$$ I'd be.

Yes, I express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever) all the time. There is no lack of appreciation for what he does. If anything, it is the other way around, I annoy him a little by thanking him for things he feels I should take for granted (like taking out the trash, or doing grocery shopping). But I do continue to do so because 1) it was pounded into me as a child, and 2) because I like to be thanked for my efforts as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Of course these aren't the first words out of my mouth. I do understand time and place. The first words out of my mouth when my DH comes home with food are "Thank you." I might make such a comment while I was eating the cottage cheese days later and it would just come out as a oh, I think I like X better than X. But there is no doubt, if I was unloading the groceries that my DH brought home and I commented on on the food then I'd be the one shopping, because what an a$$ I'd be.

Yes, I express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever) all the time. There is no lack of appreciation for what he does. If anything, it is the other way around, I annoy him a little by thanking him for things he feels I should take for granted (like taking out the trash, or doing grocery shopping). But I do continue to do so because 1) it was pounded into me as a child, and 2) because I like to be thanked for my efforts as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.

This. If he doesn’t want help, stop offering it. It’s obnoxious.

It's only obnoxious to a thin-skinned person. If you're confident that you're a good human trying your hardest, and someone offers to take a task off your hands, you either say, "Oh thanks honey, but it's really no problem; I'll call the lawn guys," or you say, "You know what? I am really busy and a little stressed out. That would be nice; thanks."

If you can't assume good intent when your spouse does something innocuous like offer to do something helpful, and then you expect your partner to assume that YOU have good intent when you yell at them for triggering you, then you are at best immature and unkind, and at worst emotionally abusive.

Disagree. I come from a family of helpers, and it’s beyond annoying. It has nothing to do with being helpful, it’s a result of anxiety and an inability to form a deeper connection.

Have you ever been around someone who offers to help with basic tasks non-stop? It’s demeaning. It’s not actually helpful. It usually results in more work for you, because now you have to accommodate the helper.

If OP’s H has asked her to please stop trying to help all the time, and she continues to do so, she really doesn’t care about his well-being. He’s stated what he wants and she’s ignored it. It’s solely about her easing her own anxiety.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line done. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

It’s a passive aggressive classic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.

This. If he doesn’t want help, stop offering it. It’s obnoxious.

It's only obnoxious to a thin-skinned person. If you're confident that you're a good human trying your hardest, and someone offers to take a task off your hands, you either say, "Oh thanks honey, but it's really no problem; I'll call the lawn guys," or you say, "You know what? I am really busy and a little stressed out. That would be nice; thanks."

If you can't assume good intent when your spouse does something innocuous like offer to do something helpful, and then you expect your partner to assume that YOU have good intent when you yell at them for triggering you, then you are at best immature and unkind, and at worst emotionally abusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.

This. If he doesn’t want help, stop offering it. It’s obnoxious.

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.