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[quote=Anonymous]I get what you're saying, and from your 1st post, I was thinking, why expect her to help with your kids or shopping - you should act like she's not even there - let her take care of DH while you take care of the rest of the household, but now I get it - it's the drama and self-centeredness that was the issue.

[quote=Anonymous]OP here:

i wish i could help dh - i guess i should have said "hey, sounds like that was a hard conversation with yoru mom. how can i help?" but i kind of don't have the empathy for her anymore. i have spent seven long years being the bigger person =- picking up the phone and calling her repeatedly when she is downright rude, mean, and obnoxious.[/quote]

But - to your original question - how to help your DH through this?  Yes, you should have said "sounds like a hard convo with your mom.  How can I help?"   Because that's not having empathy for HER - it's having empathy for what DH is going through - for HIM.  You don't have to pick up the phone, call or talk to her AT ALL.  seriously.  But, be there for your DH when he deals with her.  Ask him what you can do for him (take him out on date night, give him a break from the kids for an hour, things for him that don't involve his mother) that would help him cope with her.  You could say, "I know your mom is making it difficult on you and I know you are being torn because you are SO busy in April and she's guilting you into visiting.... what can I do to help you resolve this conflict you have?"

My advice is don't get in the middle of their relationship or fight his battles with his mom  for him  - but be there to support your husband.  
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