Anonymous
03/26/2012 15:09
Subject: controlling mil
Anonymous wrote:
You need to back up in order to win this. Pressuring DH to stand up for you makes you an equal burden to his mother. You need to feed him empathy, and NOT direct attention to what YOU are feeling (while he is still recovering and your kids still need your attention).
Dropping the rope is the only way to win a tug-of-war.
OP here: that last sentence might be the best advice I have ever gotten about my MIL.
Anonymous
03/26/2012 10:30
Subject: controlling mil
You need to back up in order to win this. Pressuring DH to stand up for you makes you an equal burden to his mother. You need to feed him empathy, and NOT direct attention to what YOU are feeling (while he is still recovering and your kids still need your attention).
Dropping the rope is the only way to win a tug-of-war.
Anonymous
03/26/2012 10:21
Subject: controlling mil
Dh is the one who needs to read up on bpd, not you. "walking on eggshells" is the common recommendation.
I have a bpd stepmother, and for all her evilness towards me, i know it is in many ways harder for her biokids, who cant just walk away from her the way i can. In many ways, you are in a similar position vis a vis your mil and dh.
It is a very long process coming to terms with a bpd parent, and you need to be patient with your dh (to a point). Counseling would be a good idea.
I have a bpd stepmother, and for all her evilness towards me, i know it is in many ways harder for her biokids, who cant just walk away from her the way i can. In many ways, you are in a similar position vis a vis your mil and dh.
It is a very long process coming to terms with a bpd parent, and you need to be patient with your dh (to a point). Counseling would be a good idea.
Anonymous
03/26/2012 10:11
Subject: controlling mil
I get what you're saying, and from your 1st post, I was thinking, why expect her to help with your kids or shopping - you should act like she's not even there - let her take care of DH while you take care of the rest of the household, but now I get it - it's the drama and self-centeredness that was the issue.
But - to your original question - how to help your DH through this? Yes, you should have said "sounds like a hard convo with your mom. How can I help?" Because that's not having empathy for HER - it's having empathy for what DH is going through - for HIM. You don't have to pick up the phone, call or talk to her AT ALL. seriously. But, be there for your DH when he deals with her. Ask him what you can do for him (take him out on date night, give him a break from the kids for an hour, things for him that don't involve his mother) that would help him cope with her. You could say, "I know your mom is making it difficult on you and I know you are being torn because you are SO busy in April and she's guilting you into visiting.... what can I do to help you resolve this conflict you have?"
My advice is don't get in the middle of their relationship or fight his battles with his mom for him - but be there to support your husband.
Anonymous wrote:OP here:
i wish i could help dh - i guess i should have said "hey, sounds like that was a hard conversation with yoru mom. how can i help?" but i kind of don't have the empathy for her anymore. i have spent seven long years being the bigger person =- picking up the phone and calling her repeatedly when she is downright rude, mean, and obnoxious.
But - to your original question - how to help your DH through this? Yes, you should have said "sounds like a hard convo with your mom. How can I help?" Because that's not having empathy for HER - it's having empathy for what DH is going through - for HIM. You don't have to pick up the phone, call or talk to her AT ALL. seriously. But, be there for your DH when he deals with her. Ask him what you can do for him (take him out on date night, give him a break from the kids for an hour, things for him that don't involve his mother) that would help him cope with her. You could say, "I know your mom is making it difficult on you and I know you are being torn because you are SO busy in April and she's guilting you into visiting.... what can I do to help you resolve this conflict you have?"
My advice is don't get in the middle of their relationship or fight his battles with his mom for him - but be there to support your husband.
Anonymous
03/25/2012 22:38
Subject: controlling mil
calm down
be nice and respectful
be nice and respectful
Anonymous
03/25/2012 18:06
Subject: controlling mil
OP here:
wow. that sounds like my Mil. a lot like my MIL. she actually said several times that i was too panicky to take care of my kids and that's why she had to stay and "help" out - yes, lady, i'm pretty damn panicky when my dh needs surgery and my infant gets super sick while husband is home on bedrest and then toddler gets sick. it sucked. and MIL was a total drama queen - as many of the posts describe.
a lot of "woe is me - my son is hurt. its me who is suffering. i can't cope" - she made a huge deal about calling out of work for a week and had no comment to the fact that I, who carries the lion's share of the income and the INSURANCE, had to take off work to take my husband to appointments, take MIl to the grocery store, and take the kids to the doctors. i don't begrudge my kids or dh, obviously; it was more the high drama - "how will we eat? who will cook?" as i was knee-deep in poopy diapers, a toddler who was crying all the time b/c her father couldn't pick her up, an infant who was febrile, and my dh sick as shit. it was SO damn hard. and this woman made it all about HERSELF.
as she continues to do.
i wish i could help dh - i guess i should have said "hey, sounds like that was a hard conversation with yoru mom. how can i help?" but i kind of don't have the empathy for her anymore. i have spent seven long years being the bigger person =- picking up the phone and calling her repeatedly when she is downright rude, mean, and obnoxious.
wow. that sounds like my Mil. a lot like my MIL. she actually said several times that i was too panicky to take care of my kids and that's why she had to stay and "help" out - yes, lady, i'm pretty damn panicky when my dh needs surgery and my infant gets super sick while husband is home on bedrest and then toddler gets sick. it sucked. and MIL was a total drama queen - as many of the posts describe.
a lot of "woe is me - my son is hurt. its me who is suffering. i can't cope" - she made a huge deal about calling out of work for a week and had no comment to the fact that I, who carries the lion's share of the income and the INSURANCE, had to take off work to take my husband to appointments, take MIl to the grocery store, and take the kids to the doctors. i don't begrudge my kids or dh, obviously; it was more the high drama - "how will we eat? who will cook?" as i was knee-deep in poopy diapers, a toddler who was crying all the time b/c her father couldn't pick her up, an infant who was febrile, and my dh sick as shit. it was SO damn hard. and this woman made it all about HERSELF.
as she continues to do.
i wish i could help dh - i guess i should have said "hey, sounds like that was a hard conversation with yoru mom. how can i help?" but i kind of don't have the empathy for her anymore. i have spent seven long years being the bigger person =- picking up the phone and calling her repeatedly when she is downright rude, mean, and obnoxious.