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[quote=Anonymous][quote]
If you were raised in a good family, you will also be rather naive to any sort of subtle abuse by your spouse, such as passive-aggressive behavior. Be aware of that. It’s a coping skill learned during the abusive years and a dangerous one at that.[/quote]

Yes, this has been my experience.

After he had an affair that nearly destroyed our family, DH got himself into therapy. He's been going for many years now, and he's definitely grown and matured in a lot of ways. I do think he's inherited some legacies from his parents --
From his mother, capriciousness and restlessness, with the occasional tantrum.
From his father, conflict avoidance even if it means being duplicitous.

Ironically, back when I was the college girlfriend, MIL told me that she was afraid of turning into her parents. She also said that she didn't need therapy because she took Psych 101 in college and could diagnose herself (I suspect BPD). Well, then she blew up her life, left FIL for a string of disastrous and inappropriate men, and wound up just as destitute as her parents. Ouch, haha. FIL, for his part, married another emotionally volatile woman, though this one is more outwardly stable and successful. FIL will say, "Don't tell my wife about X" and we are all in on keeping the secret from her so she doesn't get mad. Not a great way to do marriage!

We don't see very much of his family for how local they are, and we have a tacit understanding that it's because it's too stressful . . . for DH, for me. Of course, MIL puts it on ME that we don't see them enough, but I try to let this go. It's DH's family, he can see them if he wants. I arrange time weekly for MIL to see the kids (without DH usually, so I'm putting in more time with her than he is, sigh). We're cordial, but we'll never be close. Too much water under the bridge.

I just have to hope and trust that DH's therapy and  distance from his family will help us break the cycle. I'm certainly the opposite of his mother - I'm stoic and even-keeled. DH used to accuse me of being passive aggressive (total projection), when what I was doing was saying my piece and trying to find a resolution. He was so upset by the hint of conflict that he fell apart and used unfair weapons to try to shut down the conversation. Honestly, if he hadn't had the affair and known he was on super thin ice, I don't know if he would have gone to therapy or worked as hard as he has. It's made a big difference. He's definitely a full on grown man now, not some kind of man-boy.

I got married young. I was naive. No one thinks they will turn into their parents, but most of us do. No problem there for me, but for DH, well, that's not what I want. And just as MIL said the same thing 20 years ago, I'm sure it's not what DH wants either. At least his statement is backed up by a lot of therapy and self-work.[/quote]

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