Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 13:31     Subject: Re:Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Yes, my spouse's parents/family of origin lack emotional closeness. They are in frequent communication but only about surface-level things, which is how my spouse was raised. This in turn influenced the kinds of friendships my spouse was able to maintain. Not a lot of emotional intimacy in spite of being in frequent communication. So when spouse was in midlife crisis-mode due to the insanity of life/kids/jobs, there was no one to turn to to unpack all the emotions. This led to an ongoing affair and now I'm witnessing a total downward spiral. I think rock bottom is approaching. Of course this is the Cliff's Notes version, but I can see how family history is a factor in this and I hope to break that cycle with my own children.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 12:02     Subject: Re:Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Do you ever wonder wth? These APs get these guys at the absolute lowest point in their lives. When they are just completely over the edge--drinking, lying, and old (going through a midlife crisis, collapse)--yet they think they won the lottery. I guess the other partner in the affair also has serious 'issues' to be doing it as well.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 11:22     Subject: Re:Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:

If you were raised in a good family, you will also be rather naive to any sort of subtle abuse by your spouse, such as passive-aggressive behavior. Be aware of that. It’s a coping skill learned during the abusive years and a dangerous one at that.


Yes, this has been my experience.

After he had an affair that nearly destroyed our family, DH got himself into therapy. He's been going for many years now, and he's definitely grown and matured in a lot of ways. I do think he's inherited some legacies from his parents --
From his mother, capriciousness and restlessness, with the occasional tantrum.
From his father, conflict avoidance even if it means being duplicitous.

Ironically, back when I was the college girlfriend, MIL told me that she was afraid of turning into her parents. She also said that she didn't need therapy because she took Psych 101 in college and could diagnose herself (I suspect BPD). Well, then she blew up her life, left FIL for a string of disastrous and inappropriate men, and wound up just as destitute as her parents. Ouch, haha. FIL, for his part, married another emotionally volatile woman, though this one is more outwardly stable and successful. FIL will say, "Don't tell my wife about X" and we are all in on keeping the secret from her so she doesn't get mad. Not a great way to do marriage!

We don't see very much of his family for how local they are, and we have a tacit understanding that it's because it's too stressful . . . for DH, for me. Of course, MIL puts it on ME that we don't see them enough, but I try to let this go. It's DH's family, he can see them if he wants. I arrange time weekly for MIL to see the kids (without DH usually, so I'm putting in more time with her than he is, sigh). We're cordial, but we'll never be close. Too much water under the bridge.

I just have to hope and trust that DH's therapy and distance from his family will help us break the cycle. I'm certainly the opposite of his mother - I'm stoic and even-keeled. DH used to accuse me of being passive aggressive (total projection), when what I was doing was saying my piece and trying to find a resolution. He was so upset by the hint of conflict that he fell apart and used unfair weapons to try to shut down the conversation. Honestly, if he hadn't had the affair and known he was on super thin ice, I don't know if he would have gone to therapy or worked as hard as he has. It's made a big difference. He's definitely a full on grown man now, not some kind of man-boy.

I got married young. I was naive. No one thinks they will turn into their parents, but most of us do. No problem there for me, but for DH, well, that's not what I want. And just as MIL said the same thing 20 years ago, I'm sure it's not what DH wants either. At least his statement is backed up by a lot of therapy and self-work.


So similar.
DH’s father: bad alcoholic, serial cheater, left the family
Mother: can never be wrong, ice cold, self-centered, left him and brother to themselves
Violence in home before the divorce, police called several times

Husband was sweet, caring and hard working. Swore he wouldn’t be his dad. Midlife things came to a head. Cheating/affair and increased drinking that accompanied it. Equated drama and anxiety with love. Couldn’t feel empathy/guilt, but learned to “act it”.

Same: affair and almost losing family propelled him into intensive individual therapy. It would not have happened without hitting rock bottom and really wanting to change. I now see how many ACE factors he had—-a shocking amount. I did not even know that term or how much children of alcoholics learn compartmentalization and how their “perfectionism” is a mask for a lot of internal turmoil.

No idea
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 11:11     Subject: Re:Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?

If you were raised in a good family, you will also be rather naive to any sort of subtle abuse by your spouse, such as passive-aggressive behavior. Be aware of that. It’s a coping skill learned during the abusive years and a dangerous one at that.


Yes, this has been my experience.

After he had an affair that nearly destroyed our family, DH got himself into therapy. He's been going for many years now, and he's definitely grown and matured in a lot of ways. I do think he's inherited some legacies from his parents --
From his mother, capriciousness and restlessness, with the occasional tantrum.
From his father, conflict avoidance even if it means being duplicitous.

Ironically, back when I was the college girlfriend, MIL told me that she was afraid of turning into her parents. She also said that she didn't need therapy because she took Psych 101 in college and could diagnose herself (I suspect BPD). Well, then she blew up her life, left FIL for a string of disastrous and inappropriate men, and wound up just as destitute as her parents. Ouch, haha. FIL, for his part, married another emotionally volatile woman, though this one is more outwardly stable and successful. FIL will say, "Don't tell my wife about X" and we are all in on keeping the secret from her so she doesn't get mad. Not a great way to do marriage!

We don't see very much of his family for how local they are, and we have a tacit understanding that it's because it's too stressful . . . for DH, for me. Of course, MIL puts it on ME that we don't see them enough, but I try to let this go. It's DH's family, he can see them if he wants. I arrange time weekly for MIL to see the kids (without DH usually, so I'm putting in more time with her than he is, sigh). We're cordial, but we'll never be close. Too much water under the bridge.

I just have to hope and trust that DH's therapy and distance from his family will help us break the cycle. I'm certainly the opposite of his mother - I'm stoic and even-keeled. DH used to accuse me of being passive aggressive (total projection), when what I was doing was saying my piece and trying to find a resolution. He was so upset by the hint of conflict that he fell apart and used unfair weapons to try to shut down the conversation. Honestly, if he hadn't had the affair and known he was on super thin ice, I don't know if he would have gone to therapy or worked as hard as he has. It's made a big difference. He's definitely a full on grown man now, not some kind of man-boy.

I got married young. I was naive. No one thinks they will turn into their parents, but most of us do. No problem there for me, but for DH, well, that's not what I want. And just as MIL said the same thing 20 years ago, I'm sure it's not what DH wants either. At least his statement is backed up by a lot of therapy and self-work.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 10:51     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a huge genetic component to mental illness


This. Bipolar and autism level 1. Never had experience with this before but now it’s like I have a psych PhD and have memorized the DSM.


+1 and I'm like nurse ratchet with the pill schedule!


I’d like to hire nurses ratchet to save me from this hell
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 10:50     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:If you were raised in a good family, you will also be rather naive to any sort of subtle abuse by your spouse, such as passive-aggressive behavior. Be aware of that. It’s a coping skill learned during the abusive years and a dangerous one at that.

Agree. No experience with that but 5 years in told someone else they IDd the abuse and mental issues. Sharing and talking is important. If something is off, trust your gut.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 09:05     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Unequivocally yes. I try not to be resentful, but I think they did a really crappy job as parents. Both of DH’s parents are alcoholics. DH went away to college and fell off a ledge into alcoholism. It look him 2 treatment centers and living in a sober living house to get his life together. He said college environment would never work if he wanted to stay sober, so he got a skilled trade license. That forever changed the course of his life.

Both parents simultaneously ignored him and beat him - belts, wooden spoons. The beatings made him think that something must really be wrong with him if his parents wanted to hurt him so badly. This lead to low self esteem, and more addiction for him - gambled until he had to declare bankruptcy.

FIL was an untreated sex addict that had repeated affairs on his mom and encouraged DH to have sex as a teen. DH developed a sex addiction as an adult that almost ruined his life - think multiple prostitutes a night, multiple long term affair partners throughout the country.

DH is now sober. He has been through so much therapy to help him heal from all the childhood trauma. I want to gag when he praises his mom for her sobriety and speaks fondly of his deceased father. He’ll say - I have forgiven, maybe you can, too.


You yourself sound like a huge mess. Did he get down on bended knee when he was 14 and you were 12, Romeo and Juliet of the DMV? If you knew how he was treated, you were Captain Save-a-Bro yourself and yet you married, procreated, and resent your husband moving on emotionally from pure anger.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 07:59     Subject: Re:Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
My husband's father is a nasty narcissist who can't see past the end of his own nose and was always verbally abusive, predominantly to my husband's mother. She, in turn, was verbally abusive to my husband.

My husband had a distant but cordial relationship with them when we met. I saw his father's behavior immediately (he berated his wife in front of multiple people at Thanksgiving dinner), but I also saw how my husband never acted like that. I heard his mom's abuse towards him, but saw how he didn't react in anger towards her. Basically he spent his whole life trying to be the opposite of his parents.

Fast forward to today, 15 years later, he has gone through therapy to really uncover what he went through as a child and acknowledge that it was neither normal nor acceptable, and his parents are now completely out of our life after an incident involving horrendous verbal abuse that was directed at me and affected our kids.

So I think it's quite possible for people to not turn out like their parents, but it takes an acknowledgment of what happened and a lot of work on their part.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 07:49     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:a $1000 scarf isn’t a big deal for some people. IMO you are the judgmental one. Let her live.


+1

It's her money, she can do with it what she wants.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 07:43     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There's a huge genetic component to mental illness


This. Bipolar and autism level 1. Never had experience with this before but now it’s like I have a psych PhD and have memorized the DSM.


+1 and I'm like nurse ratchet with the pill schedule!
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 07:36     Subject: Re:Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
affected
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 07:33     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
If you were raised in a good family, you will also be rather naive to any sort of subtle abuse by your spouse, such as passive-aggressive behavior. Be aware of that. It’s a coping skill learned during the abusive years and a dangerous one at that.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 07:28     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:What sort of problems you faced due to your spouse’s broken or damaged family?


His past history of abuse (not sexual) manifested in weakness and fear when dealing with past abuser (understandable). That left me to protect the family. That resulted in a gang-up (with him siding with them) and me being reported to social services. It backfired on them because they were not dealing with reality. He did change after that as it woke him up. I stayed to protect our kids (btw, past issues with family usually manifests when the persons starts their own family). The changes have been positive but the PTSD from my own experiences dealing with them has been pretty nasty.
Anonymous
Post 04/05/2022 07:19     Subject: Re:Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
I’d like to pipe up here. I was raised by a wonderful loving mother, but a very abisive father who thankfully abandoned us when my mom sought a divorce. My husband asked I go to therapy before we got married, and I needed that push and went through serious exposure therapy for PTSD and depression. It was hard but it worked. I’m treated post catching covid for covid brain fog with some pharmaceutical meds and wish I had done it sooner in addition to the therapy. My husband had two loving parents and a very stable personality (some might say boring but I like him- I think of him as a hidden treasure). We have a good marriage, better than his two sisters. So, I think it’s doable if the partner is a good, moral person who is willing and able to confront problems with a can do attitude. I’m not perfect and we have periods that have sucked, but definitely no more or less than our peers, and maybe better than them to be honest. You just both have to do the work!
Anonymous
Post 04/04/2022 20:19     Subject: Your spouse’s messed up family history effected your marriage?
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Unequivocally yes. I try not to be resentful, but I think they did a really crappy job as parents. Both of DH’s parents are alcoholics. DH went away to college and fell off a ledge into alcoholism. It look him 2 treatment centers and living in a sober living house to get his life together. He said college environment would never work if he wanted to stay sober, so he got a skilled trade license. That forever changed the course of his life.

Both parents simultaneously ignored him and beat him - belts, wooden spoons. The beatings made him think that something must really be wrong with him if his parents wanted to hurt him so badly. This lead to low self esteem, and more addiction for him - gambled until he had to declare bankruptcy.

FIL was an untreated sex addict that had repeated affairs on his mom and encouraged DH to have sex as a teen. DH developed a sex addiction as an adult that almost ruined his life - think multiple prostitutes a night, multiple long term affair partners throughout the country.

DH is now sober. He has been through so much therapy to help him heal from all the childhood trauma. I want to gag when he praises his mom for her sobriety and speaks fondly of his deceased father. He’ll say - I have forgiven, maybe you can, too.


Jesus. Grow a backbone.