Reply to Has your kid written on a wall? If yes what did you do ?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don’t think either of you do a perfect job with this.

You are keeping them in line with fear and shame. Your friend isn’t keeping them in line at all.

I think ideally you would say “drawing on walls isn’t okay because it damages homes and takes a lot of work to fix. I know it’s tempting sometimes but I expect you to control yourself.  You can draw on paper and hang it up on the walls. If you draw on the walls you will need to erase it or paint over it, and you will lose drawing privileges and if you do it at a friend’s house it will be a while before you will be allowed to go to a friend’s house.”

That’s what I have done. I don’t know, parenting is hard. Your friend has good intentions and is probably trying to avoid shame-based parenting but it’s too permissive. [/quote]

Op here, that would have sounded quite perfect to me. Very good points. Not that it is what I would have naturally implemented myself, you are correct that I am too much in the shame based parenting. I am trying to wrap my head around an acceptable alternative for me. I don’t use fear and shame for everything at all, but some behaviors still make me revert to that more traditional disciplinarian option. And i do feel conflicted about it.[/quote]

It is so hard! Sometimes I think about it this way: I treat my kids like adults, in that if I was a boss or a manager I wouldn’t just say “oh try to do better next time” but I also would try to avoid using fear or shame. Let them know what I expect from them and why and that they didn’t meet them, but keep in mind how I want them to feel about themselves and that it’s important  to maintain a good relationship.

There are some good parenting books about this and I can give you recommendations  if you’re interested.

But I do share your surprise that the mom didn’t offer the kid a chance to make things right. That she just let you deal with the wall is not cool. [/quote]

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