Reply to If your Son-in-law confided in you about marriage troubles, would you talk to your daughter?

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[quote=Anonymous]What is the issue, op? The details do matter. 
Given that you say it’s 75 percent her and 25 percent him, I suspect it’s normal issues, i.e. no drug or alcohol abuse.

Know that the world has changed from when you got married.  Know that your daughter isn’t you.

As background, I don’t recall my parents ever going on date night. If they did, they certainly didn’t call it that.  It’s only been in the past 5 years that I’ve heard my dad say “I’m taking your mom out” or my mom say “your dad is taking me out”. 
Growing up they always said “if you want it, go do it or get it, you don’t need a man”. 
Not bad advice in theory. What I learned way before my parents is that I want a man to “take me out”.

My husband grew up in the same way, thinking back, he doesn’t recall his parents doing date night either.  
When I began to realize that I wanted date night, it confused him. He was like “my mom didn’t, your mom didn’t, why do you”. He honestly didn’t get it.

I could see him saying something like maybe what your son-in-law said to you.

Remember, your daughter is her own person.

Know too that many men were raised to want a stay-at-home wife/mom but also the income of a spouse who works.  I can clearly remember when our youngest was ababy. My husband and I had just come home from work when his boss called him and “needed” him to come back.  I believe I said something like “Let’s enjoy our evening, then you can go back” and he yelled at me “Can’t I count on you to handle the home front!” and I told him no, not when I worked just like he did.

We ultimately decided it would be better for everybody if I was a stay-at-home mom, and interestingly enough, his work stress lessened, not at all what the media would have you believe. He became nicer to me and more appreciative of me.  I think I appreciate him more too. 
Point being, your daughter and son-in-law need to sort this out without you.  I’m wondering if you are older, I’ve not heard anybody my age think that “getting a therapist” is heartless.  My dad even mentioned it once in the context of something else and he said it just like hed have said “go see a doctor” 30 years ago.  It was impressive.

Tell your son-in-law that your loyalty is to your daughter and that he is not to confide anything to you, especially if he wants “us to talk to her”. She’s not a child who poured kitty litter on a classmates birthday cake as a prank.

I’d be wondering if he may be abusive or bullying and if maybe you and your husband might be too. Given the lack of context, given the dynamics between men and women, given how the world has changed, I’m wondering about you, op. [/quote]

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