Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

+1
Indian-American here. I can rely on my ILs for talking to DH if we are having difficulties. In any case, this is usually an appeal for help. As a new mother, I complained that my DH was working long hours to my MIL and I was overwhelmed.

She and FIL talked to DH (as well as their other grown kids) - and while my DH was not in a position to work shorter hours, his family rallied around me. My MIL would come every two week with her cleaning lady and get my house cleaned. I was getting meals from family members, and once or twice in a week, MIL and FIL would come to babysit my kid. This was a good break for me and helped me in the first few months of having a newborn.

If I honestly thought I could help the situation I absolutely would. If getting involved would make it worse I’d stay out of it but arrange counseling or something. You know your daughter and your relationship with her.

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

Thank you so much for explaining your cultural viewpoint on this. Before reading it I never could have imagined a scenario where inlaws should get involved, but you articulated it so well. Thank you!

What is the issue, op? The details do matter.
Given that you say it’s 75 percent her and 25 percent him, I suspect it’s normal issues, i.e. no drug or alcohol abuse.

Know that the world has changed from when you got married. Know that your daughter isn’t you.

As background, I don’t recall my parents ever going on date night. If they did, they certainly didn’t call it that. It’s only been in the past 5 years that I’ve heard my dad say “I’m taking your mom out” or my mom say “your dad is taking me out”.
Growing up they always said “if you want it, go do it or get it, you don’t need a man”.
Not bad advice in theory. What I learned way before my parents is that I want a man to “take me out”.

My husband grew up in the same way, thinking back, he doesn’t recall his parents doing date night either.
When I began to realize that I wanted date night, it confused him. He was like “my mom didn’t, your mom didn’t, why do you”. He honestly didn’t get it.

I could see him saying something like maybe what your son-in-law said to you.

Remember, your daughter is her own person.

Know too that many men were raised to want a stay-at-home wife/mom but also the income of a spouse who works. I can clearly remember when our youngest was ababy. My husband and I had just come home from work when his boss called him and “needed” him to come back. I believe I said something like “Let’s enjoy our evening, then you can go back” and he yelled at me “Can’t I count on you to handle the home front!” and I told him no, not when I worked just like he did.

We ultimately decided it would be better for everybody if I was a stay-at-home mom, and interestingly enough, his work stress lessened, not at all what the media would have you believe. He became nicer to me and more appreciative of me. I think I appreciate him more too.
Point being, your daughter and son-in-law need to sort this out without you. I’m wondering if you are older, I’ve not heard anybody my age think that “getting a therapist” is heartless. My dad even mentioned it once in the context of something else and he said it just like hed have said “go see a doctor” 30 years ago. It was impressive.

Tell your son-in-law that your loyalty is to your daughter and that he is not to confide anything to you, especially if he wants “us to talk to her”. She’s not a child who poured kitty litter on a classmates birthday cake as a prank.

I’d be wondering if he may be abusive or bullying and if maybe you and your husband might be too. Given the lack of context, given the dynamics between men and women, given how the world has changed, I’m wondering about you, op.

Can you provide any color in the nature of their issues or disagreements?

Many people know, and can admit to themselves, their adult child’s strengths, weaknesses and shortcomings. But we do not know their spouse’s. Therein lies the heart of any of relationship issues. Putting the two people together as a team.

I would only give general advice at this point, like:
Get a therapist,
Work as a team,
Communicate,
Be empathetic
Back and forth conversations- no talking over, no name calling, no stonewalling, no deflecting. Resolve issue and stay on topic.

Isolation tactic in play OP.

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I'm from East Asia and this was (is?) the cultural norm. It's mostly borne out of necessities, though, as there were no therapist or marriage counseling, so people relied on extended family. I can definitely see why someone would go this route. My own sister-in-law contracted my parents and told them about my brother's drinking problem. It was the only time she'd done it, and it corroborated with what we saw, though none of us had any idea to the scope of his issue. The family intervened and he stopped drinking.

Having said that, I think oftentimes the potential for fallout is high and not worth the risk of getting relatives involved in your marriage, especially when it's not cut and dry one person's problem, as in this case. OP did observe that SIL does bear some responsibility.

As some pp pointed out, think about how your daughter would react if she were to find out that her H has been complaining behind her back and you're taking his side. Would anything you say even help? I think if you agree with his complaints, validate his feelings and let him know he's heard, but for practical reasons you cannot get involved in the middle. Best that they seek neutral third party to mediate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird that your Son in law is talking to you. I would stay out of it.

Red flag on him.

+1. He needs to grow up and talk to his wife and they need to find a therapist if they need to talk to someone together. You need to shut down these conversations moving forward.

Anonymous wrote:I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

My DH is East African and his family is much more communicative about marital issues with extended family. I think in a context where this is the norm and more openly accepted it can be helpful (although, in his family, things can get gossipy fast) but I think it is different if this is not the standard in your family. My DH’s family is in almost constant communication and people are somewhat involved in each other’s marriages, child rearing etc. so it wouldn’t feel like a betrayal to discuss marital issues with family, it’s what everyone does. If OP is from a family where this is not done it would be seen as crossing a major boundary. The daughter would not be used to this type of behavior and would very likely not find it acceptable and would feel singled out and ganged up on. In my family of origin, for example, marital issues are viewed as something to be worked on within the marriage, full stop. Talking with extended family would be viewed as gossip and airing one’s dirty laundry.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would counsel her to start getting her affairs in order, know where the money is and meet with lawyers to conflict the husband out, if need be.

Yep. Writing is on the wall. Your Dd is getting thrown under the bus.

Let me guess, SIl is so nice, laidback and fun at family gatherings, you just cannot figure out why DD is so cruel that she has to ask him to mind the kids or help out. She’s so horrible to talk to him or ask him something or do anything in front of anyone.

FYI- the real abusers doesn’t nag or say direct things (like clean up, or that was rude) when others are around, only when no one’s around . Tho they will do their put down jokes in a group and then end it with why doesn’t the victim has a sense of humor.

Anonymous wrote:He wants us to talk to her. My initial reaction is to say “No, get a therapist” but that seems heartless. My personal opinion is that the issues are about 75% my daughter’s fault and 25% my son-in-law’s fault. I love her dearly, but I have noticed these behaviors of hers.

I would be cautious about the percentages that you just laid out. 75% your daughter 25% the son-in-law. Remember you’re only hearing one side of the story


If this were me, I would definitely speak with my daughter because I would have my loyalty to her. I would be surprised if my son-in-law came to me about my own daughter. Why is he trying to get you on his side? Is he trying to alienate his wife from her own mother?

Anonymous wrote:It is super inappropriate for your son in law to talk with you about hos marriage issues. Stop indulging it. No matter how much you like your son in law, you cannot intervene without alienating your daughter.

He knows this.

For all Op knows he is emotionally abusive behind closed doors. And now he asked you to be his flying monkey.

Does your daughter have any mental diagnoses or issues to actively manage? Does your son in law?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird that your Son in law is talking to you. I would stay out of it.

Red flag on him.

I hope it wasn't about lack of sex, wink wink, MIL?

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird that your Son in law is talking to you. I would stay out of it.

Red flag on him.

Anonymous wrote:He wants us to talk to her. My initial reaction is to say “No, get a therapist” but that seems heartless. My personal opinion is that the issues are about 75% my daughter’s fault and 25% my son-in-law’s fault. I love her dearly, but I have noticed these behaviors of hers.

Correct.

They should be get individual therapy and later couples counseling.