Reply to “Your mother is totally worthless”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am pretty thick-skinned, and I can tell you that many of the bad memories from my childhood came from my grandparents (grandmother mostly) making these kinds of comments about my father. And my father was far from worthless (brilliant university physics/math professor, very loving to his kids). He had his failures (terrible with money/savings, lazy spouse, and a poor disciplinarian), but we adored him.

It happened over 20 years ago, and it still hurts to this day. As recently as last year, my siblings and I confronted our parents, demanding to know why they did not put an end to this kind of talk even when we told them that it made us uncomfortable.

Don't let anyone talk to your children like this about you. Tell your mother to find other jokes; these kinds are unacceptable. They will grow to resent her for it. They might even grow to resent you for letting it happen. Ask me how I know...[/quote]

Thank you. I ended the call and don’t plan on initiating contact for a while. If she asks why, I’ll tell her. If this happens again, I will tell her directly, and I will stand my ground when she inevitably says she was joking/I’m sensitive/tries to gaslight me.[/quote]

I am the PP you are responding to.

Perhaps your mother deserves some candid talk on this matter (it seems like she loves you and your children). As you can see from this thread, there may be some well intentioned people who think that this kind of "joking" is okay. Tell her exactly what you wrote in the OP: her joke made you feel worthless. Tell her that it is unacceptable for her to joke like that about you. Tell her it is especially unacceptable when she is talking to your kids. If she gets it, and replies that she was not aware that it affected you in this way, forgive her and move on. She might even try to be defensive because she is embarrased that she is not as funny as she thinks she is. That's ok as long as she does not do it again. If she does it again-you have a problem. Maybe you can seek therapy/counseling with her.

I developed a low tolerance for these jokes from my childhood experience. If someone makes some uncomfortable joke about me when my children are around, I tell them right away. It has happened on a few occasions with my relatives, but nobody has ever done it twice. I shut it down firmly and then quickly move on.

Some people think they are funny when they are not (they are mean and sour). If you let them know firmly, they should get it and stop it ("Please don't say that again ; it's mean/it's hurtful/it's unacceptable to talk that way about me"). They may gossip about how sensitive you are. As long as they stop, they can think whatever they want.

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