Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am pretty thick-skinned, and I can tell you that many of the bad memories from my childhood came from my grandparents (grandmother mostly) making these kinds of comments about my father. And my father was far from worthless (brilliant university physics/math professor, very loving to his kids). He had his failures (terrible with money/savings, lazy spouse, and a poor disciplinarian), but we adored him.

It happened over 20 years ago, and it still hurts to this day. As recently as last year, my siblings and I confronted our parents, demanding to know why they did not put an end to this kind of talk even when we told them that it made us uncomfortable.

Don't let anyone talk to your children like this about you. Tell your mother to find other jokes; these kinds are unacceptable. They will grow to resent her for it. They might even grow to resent you for letting it happen. Ask me how I know...

Thank you. I ended the call and don’t plan on initiating contact for a while. If she asks why, I’ll tell her. If this happens again, I will tell her directly, and I will stand my ground when she inevitably says she was joking/I’m sensitive/tries to gaslight me.

I am the PP you are responding to.

Perhaps your mother deserves some candid talk on this matter (it seems like she loves you and your children). As you can see from this thread, there may be some well intentioned people who think that this kind of "joking" is okay. Tell her exactly what you wrote in the OP: her joke made you feel worthless. Tell her that it is unacceptable for her to joke like that about you. Tell her it is especially unacceptable when she is talking to your kids. If she gets it, and replies that she was not aware that it affected you in this way, forgive her and move on. She might even try to be defensive because she is embarrased that she is not as funny as she thinks she is. That's ok as long as she does not do it again. If she does it again-you have a problem. Maybe you can seek therapy/counseling with her.

I developed a low tolerance for these jokes from my childhood experience. If someone makes some uncomfortable joke about me when my children are around, I tell them right away. It has happened on a few occasions with my relatives, but nobody has ever done it twice. I shut it down firmly and then quickly move on.

Some people think they are funny when they are not (they are mean and sour). If you let them know firmly, they should get it and stop it ("Please don't say that again ; it's mean/it's hurtful/it's unacceptable to talk that way about me"). They may gossip about how sensitive you are. As long as they stop, they can think whatever they want.

^same PP as above.

Let me add that I don't think that I am prefect, and I have made a few jokes with friends/relatives that have not been well received. I apologize as soon as I notice any discomfort. For example, last year I was on the phone with a friend and said something silly(or so I thought). When I got off the phone, I realized that her tone had changed after my "joke" (it happened so seemlessly that I had failed to notice at first). I called her back and apologized. I explained what I meant and gave her a lot of wonderful compliments. She told me she was already feeling vulnerable(I did not know this) before the call and my "joke" was the last straw. She was happy that I had called and apologized. We are even better friends now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am pretty thick-skinned, and I can tell you that many of the bad memories from my childhood came from my grandparents (grandmother mostly) making these kinds of comments about my father. And my father was far from worthless (brilliant university physics/math professor, very loving to his kids). He had his failures (terrible with money/savings, lazy spouse, and a poor disciplinarian), but we adored him.

It happened over 20 years ago, and it still hurts to this day. As recently as last year, my siblings and I confronted our parents, demanding to know why they did not put an end to this kind of talk even when we told them that it made us uncomfortable.

Don't let anyone talk to your children like this about you. Tell your mother to find other jokes; these kinds are unacceptable. They will grow to resent her for it. They might even grow to resent you for letting it happen. Ask me how I know...

Thank you. I ended the call and don’t plan on initiating contact for a while. If she asks why, I’ll tell her. If this happens again, I will tell her directly, and I will stand my ground when she inevitably says she was joking/I’m sensitive/tries to gaslight me.

I am the PP you are responding to.

Perhaps your mother deserves some candid talk on this matter (it seems like she loves you and your children). As you can see from this thread, there may be some well intentioned people who think that this kind of "joking" is okay. Tell her exactly what you wrote in the OP: her joke made you feel worthless. Tell her that it is unacceptable for her to joke like that about you. Tell her it is especially unacceptable when she is talking to your kids. If she gets it, and replies that she was not aware that it affected you in this way, forgive her and move on. She might even try to be defensive because she is embarrased that she is not as funny as she thinks she is. That's ok as long as she does not do it again. If she does it again-you have a problem. Maybe you can seek therapy/counseling with her.

I developed a low tolerance for these jokes from my childhood experience. If someone makes some uncomfortable joke about me when my children are around, I tell them right away. It has happened on a few occasions with my relatives, but nobody has ever done it twice. I shut it down firmly and then quickly move on.

Some people think they are funny when they are not (they are mean and sour). If you let them know firmly, they should get it and stop it ("Please don't say that again ; it's mean/it's hurtful/it's unacceptable to talk that way about me"). They may gossip about how sensitive you are. As long as they stop, they can think whatever they want.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not a fan of this kind of “teasing” humor but the context probably matters. If your kids are teens, that’s a big different from little kids who can’t understand that it was a joke. It also depends whether your mom is generally in your side and your booster. Like I can see something like kid complaining to grandma “mom can’t make me the Halloween costume I want of an obscure character from a marvel movie because she can’t sew and she won’t even try to learn.” Grandma “yeah, she’s pretty worthless. I guess you’ll have to just fire her and hire a new mom before Halloween.”

I don’t think I’d be upset about something like that. In fact, I’ve often told my kids that if they are unhappy with my performance as a mom, they are welcome to fire me and hire themselves someone more to their liking. They haven’t taken me up on the offer yet. I think they know their pay is not competitive with the market for the skills set they are seeking.

But if your mom is generally snide and Down talks you, that’s unacceptable and puts your kids in an awkward place. Uncool.

The context does not matter. And it is irrelevant that you would not be upset about something like that. OP is upset, and her mother has to stop making such jokes or stay away from OP's children. The children will read OP's feelings and resent their grandmother for it. Chilidren pick up these things really fast.

Anonymous wrote:Ok you said she was joking, it was a joke , so what.

Read the OP:

"I feel pretty worthless".

That's all you and OP's mom need to know. It was an attempt at a joke. It failed miserably; as you can see, the person being "joked" about felt "pretty worthless" about it.

I’m not a fan of this kind of “teasing” humor but the context probably matters. If your kids are teens, that’s a big different from little kids who can’t understand that it was a joke. It also depends whether your mom is generally in your side and your booster. Like I can see something like kid complaining to grandma “mom can’t make me the Halloween costume I want of an obscure character from a marvel movie because she can’t sew and she won’t even try to learn.” Grandma “yeah, she’s pretty worthless. I guess you’ll have to just fire her and hire a new mom before Halloween.”

I don’t think I’d be upset about something like that. In fact, I’ve often told my kids that if they are unhappy with my performance as a mom, they are welcome to fire me and hire themselves someone more to their liking. They haven’t taken me up on the offer yet. I think they know their pay is not competitive with the market for the skills set they are seeking.

But if your mom is generally snide and Down talks you, that’s unacceptable and puts your kids in an awkward place. Uncool.

Anonymous wrote:My mom just said that to my kids on FaceTime, in reference to the fact that I cannot do crafts/art/sewing.

I know this was “joking,” and stupid. But how about I can cook, I’m a good mom, I keep a nice house, I bring in six figures, I’m a good co-worker, I’m a good friend, I’m a good daughter?

I feel pretty worthless.

My mom says mean things all the time. I hate to say this, but I stopped caring and just tell the kids grandma is crazy and ignore her. They'd argue with her. She sucks as a grandma so she has not right to criticize anything.

If it was not a joke but a snide remark she masqueraded as a joke then say that, be clear about what you are trying to communicate.

Ok you said she was joking, it was a joke , so what.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am pretty thick-skinned, and I can tell you that many of the bad memories from my childhood came from my grandparents (grandmother mostly) making these kinds of comments about my father. And my father was far from worthless (brilliant university physics/math professor, very loving to his kids). He had his failures (terrible with money/savings, lazy spouse, and a poor disciplinarian), but we adored him.

It happened over 20 years ago, and it still hurts to this day. As recently as last year, my siblings and I confronted our parents, demanding to know why they did not put an end to this kind of talk even when we told them that it made us uncomfortable.

Don't let anyone talk to your children like this about you. Tell your mother to find other jokes; these kinds are unacceptable. They will grow to resent her for it. They might even grow to resent you for letting it happen. Ask me how I know...

Thank you. I ended the call and don’t plan on initiating contact for a while. If she asks why, I’ll tell her. If this happens again, I will tell her directly, and I will stand my ground when she inevitably says she was joking/I’m sensitive/tries to gaslight me.

OP, I am pretty thick-skinned, and I can tell you that many of the bad memories from my childhood came from my grandparents (grandmother mostly) making these kinds of comments about my father. And my father was far from worthless (brilliant university physics/math professor, very loving to his kids). He had his failures (terrible with money/savings, lazy spouse, and a poor disciplinarian), but we adored him.

It happened over 20 years ago, and it still hurts to this day. As recently as last year, my siblings and I confronted our parents, demanding to know why they did not put an end to this kind of talk even when we told them that it made us uncomfortable.

Don't let anyone talk to your children like this about you. Tell your mother to find other jokes; these kinds are unacceptable. They will grow to resent her for it. They might even grow to resent you for letting it happen. Ask me how I know...

I was never good enough for my mother until no one else would take care of her. She “likes” me now.

Because I was never good enough and she spent so much time telling me how others were better, I trained myself to stop caring what she thought. I marched to my own drum. I probably earned more a year than she did, got a degree she didn’t finish herself and then got a second one, and started a couple of successful organizations.

And what did she do? She “forgot” I authored a book. So I said she might have Alzheimer’s and left it at that. Yes, we are a super healthy family, can’t you see. Lol.

I definitely felt I had to prove myself to myself. I’m done with that now, thank goodness. Now, I don’t care a fig what she thinks — good or bad — and I stopped being an overachiever.

Finally, I’m free (mostly). Haha.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom just said that to my kids on FaceTime, in reference to the fact that I cannot do crafts/art/sewing.

I know this was “joking,” and stupid. But how about I can cook, I’m a good mom, I keep a nice house, I bring in six figures, I’m a good co-worker, I’m a good friend, I’m a good daughter?

I feel pretty worthless.

Please get a grip. Jeez. She was joking. You say that she was JOKING. Please get therapy. Your kids deserve a mother who is balanced and mentally stable.

+1

Be nice. Words hurt even if said “as a joke”. It’s not funny. Do better for your own kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom just said that to my kids on FaceTime, in reference to the fact that I cannot do crafts/art/sewing.

I know this was “joking,” and stupid. But how about I can cook, I’m a good mom, I keep a nice house, I bring in six figures, I’m a good co-worker, I’m a good friend, I’m a good daughter?

I feel pretty worthless.

Please get a grip. Jeez. She was joking. You say that she was JOKING. Please get therapy. Your kids deserve a mother who is balanced and mentally stable.

Found the bully.

You may think you are clever/provocative/dark-humored, but your family and friends don’t appreciate your “jokes.” Just so you know.

Yes, no one likes people who make “jokes” like that. My dad is like that. He once called me a misogynist because I told my 4 year old daughter—who was throwing a big fit after her older brother accidentally bumped into her and apologized and she was not hurt at all—that he didn’t mean to bump into her and that she needed to stop screaming and crying about it.

It’s so unfunny. It is just annoying and sometimes hurtful to make comments like that.

Eh, she was kidding! Why make such a big deal out of it?! Can't you take a joke?

I can't do art for sh*t either. And my mother wouldn't be shy about saying how my fine motor skills are crap. And if it were relevant to what was going on she'd be the first to say I can choreograph a dance easily, rearrange the furniture in a house to create more space, solve problems faster than anyone she knows, write a play, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom just said that to my kids on FaceTime, in reference to the fact that I cannot do crafts/art/sewing.

I know this was “joking,” and stupid. But how about I can cook, I’m a good mom, I keep a nice house, I bring in six figures, I’m a good co-worker, I’m a good friend, I’m a good daughter?

I feel pretty worthless.

Please get a grip. Jeez. She was joking. You say that she was JOKING. Please get therapy. Your kids deserve a mother who is balanced and mentally stable.

+1