Reply to Has Anyone Actually Overcome Low Self-Worth / Self -Esteem? How?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I did this. It was hard and it’s not perfect now. Everyone has self-doubt and I probably have more than most. But I have constructed a sort of scaffolding of self regard now.

Keep going to therapy. It helps even when it sucks. I’ve been to six different therapists over 20ish years. Even the bad ones offered me things that have come back to me later and helped me unlock something useful. Like I had a terrible therapist who barely listened to me and just contradicted everything I said. BUT she once told me, “It’s okay to be ‘needy’. It’s not an insult. It means you need something you aren’t getting. In your case, you need validation because you didn’t get it for the first 25 years of your life. Of course you’re needy! That’s not pathetic, it’s predictable.” This was years ago and I remember it basically verbatim because it wound up being a huge piece of learning to have empathy for myself (which is really important to lifting your self esteem).

I also recommend getting a CBT workbook on depression and doing the exercises, especially anything related to negative self-talk. It’s a great way to practice recognizing your negative thought patterns and redirecting them. It took me a few years of practice to get there, but this might be one of the biggest steps.

What I’ve realized is that external validation for people like us is a bandaid. It feels good, but only for a second. It feels good for a second but you always need more. Instead of focusing on getting more, you need to find a way to give yourself what your parents failed to encourage, which is internal regard. Basically, the ability to validate yourself. You will never obtain that by trying to get others to support, validate, or compliment you. Instead, go to therapy, read self-improvement books, journal, get yo know and like yourself. Start on the inside.

Also, while this isn’t a suggestion, it’s information: one of the most helpful things on this journey was becoming a mom. First, it gave me a sense of inherent worth because there’s nothing like building a person with your body and then taking care of that person to give you a sense of purpose and value. And second, it really lit a fire under me that I needed to figure this out because I didn’t want my kid to see me being self-loathing and self-defeating and learn those behaviors. I was working on all of this for a long time before my kid, but she sort of forced a lot of the pieces to coalesce.[/quote]

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