Anonymous wrote:Not OP but can come one suggest a CBT workbook?

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is amazing. It does only have one chapter with CBT stuff but I think all of it is so good, even if you don’t have anxiety. It has chapters on relaxation exercises, negative self-talk, finding a purpose in life, etc.

1. Read a lot of stuff like Brene Brown. I trust Brene Brown so whoever else she endorses I read, like Luvvie Ajayi, Glennon Doyle (her new stuff). I also like Matt Hazig. People on this forum really look down on self-help, which is crap. It helps. It has been a lifesaver for me.

2. Botox. It helps with anxiety and depression.

3. A book called The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.

Therapy didn’t help me. I am skeptical of SSRIs. Obviously they work wonders for some people but for others they make things worse.

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but can come one suggest a CBT workbook?

*someone

Not OP but can come one suggest a CBT workbook?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anti-depressants can help shut down the constant negativity that I’m getting from your post. Please start there. BTDT.

+1

+2

Anonymous wrote:Navel-gazing therapy and get a hobby. Two SMH answers.

I read it as "you need a baby" which would be even worse advice...

OP here. Thank you all so much for the advice. There is so much helpful information here and I am excited to explore all the different suggestions.

OP, I did this. It was hard and it’s not perfect now. Everyone has self-doubt and I probably have more than most. But I have constructed a sort of scaffolding of self regard now.

Keep going to therapy. It helps even when it sucks. I’ve been to six different therapists over 20ish years. Even the bad ones offered me things that have come back to me later and helped me unlock something useful. Like I had a terrible therapist who barely listened to me and just contradicted everything I said. BUT she once told me, “It’s okay to be ‘needy’. It’s not an insult. It means you need something you aren’t getting. In your case, you need validation because you didn’t get it for the first 25 years of your life. Of course you’re needy! That’s not pathetic, it’s predictable.” This was years ago and I remember it basically verbatim because it wound up being a huge piece of learning to have empathy for myself (which is really important to lifting your self esteem).

I also recommend getting a CBT workbook on depression and doing the exercises, especially anything related to negative self-talk. It’s a great way to practice recognizing your negative thought patterns and redirecting them. It took me a few years of practice to get there, but this might be one of the biggest steps.

What I’ve realized is that external validation for people like us is a bandaid. It feels good, but only for a second. It feels good for a second but you always need more. Instead of focusing on getting more, you need to find a way to give yourself what your parents failed to encourage, which is internal regard. Basically, the ability to validate yourself. You will never obtain that by trying to get others to support, validate, or compliment you. Instead, go to therapy, read self-improvement books, journal, get yo know and like yourself. Start on the inside.

Also, while this isn’t a suggestion, it’s information: one of the most helpful things on this journey was becoming a mom. First, it gave me a sense of inherent worth because there’s nothing like building a person with your body and then taking care of that person to give you a sense of purpose and value. And second, it really lit a fire under me that I needed to figure this out because I didn’t want my kid to see me being self-loathing and self-defeating and learn those behaviors. I was working on all of this for a long time before my kid, but she sort of forced a lot of the pieces to coalesce.

Not yet; 51 this year. Working on radical acceptance in DBT - dialectical behavioral therapy. Check it out.

Navel-gazing therapy and get a hobby. Two SMH answers.

You need a hobby. Something you can do where you love the results and can be proud of yourself and enjoy yourself. Find out what YOU like.

Also, forget what other people think. Mind reading is a mind trap. Be in the moment. Focus on what you are DOING, not thinking.

Life Coaching. Check out the Life Coach School Podcasts on Self Worth.

the trick to self esteem is to impress YOURSELF.

That is the way to get out of it.

So you have to go do something. No amount of naval-gazing therapy re your parents will help you get out of this. No amount of external validation will get you out either. And no amount of "just believe in yourself" will help because that's not how the human brain works.

The best avenue for "doing something" is to do something where people end up depending on you. Because then you matter to someone, so it makes you feel important. But in the end, you have to impress yourself--maybe by helping out a number of people, and seeing that you made a difference.

OP you’ve accomplished the major first step and figured out you have a problem and want to address it and went to therapy. That’s well beyond mediocre- that’s excellent! Lots of people need praise! Start with baby steps, and get out of your comfort zone with baby steps. And start talking to yourself like you are one of your own kids. Would you speak to your kids the way you speak to yourself in this post? If not, then begin the practice of speaking to yourself differently. And highly recommend CBT and anti-depressants if you’re willing to see a psychiatrist and see if it helps. Good luck!