Reply to Changing a rescuer-victim relationship

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In the grand scheme of possible character flaws, this is a great one to have.  You want to be helpful, sometimes to the point of not encouraging the helpee to be empowered to come up with their own solutions.  But you’re wanting to help your friends and family, and have a lot of empathy, and that’s fantastic.

Since the urge to help is so strong, what about working with a counselor on what language and discourse to use to help others in an empowering way?  Trying to turn that off will make you feel like you’re not being you and it’s a great trait to have.  The language should just change, right?  So that you’re helping them come up with their own solutions rather than you coming up with them for them?  A therapist does this all the time and can help guide you in how to interact with others in crisis or need in a strengthening way. [/quote]

Not OP, but what kind of counselor helps with this? I also need this help.[/quote]

This is OP.  So in my search for an answer I found a book called "How to Break Free of the Drama Triangle" and to say it's been enlightening would be a gross understatement.  It has shed so much light on so many different problem dynamics that I have come across with certain people in my life - dynamics that have really perplexed me and caused much stress.  I highly recommend![/quote]

Can you share some of the highlights?[/quote]

It basically explains how unresolved trauma and dysfunctional family of origin relationships and a history of not being able to express your needs to others directly, drives people into the "drama triangle" of persecutor-rescuer-victim and you keep swapping roles, with the ultimate goal of becoming the victim.

The more swapping of roles that occur, the higher the drama and chaos and confusion. So for instance, the rescuer can then become the persecuted by the victim for failing to help, then the rescuer becomes the victim.  Which leads to resentment and anger, and the cycle continues.

And essentially the desire to become the victim comes from unmet needs or being shamed for expressing needs as a child.  So instead of expressing needs directly, the person learns to use manipulation, obligation, or playing the helpless victim try to get their needs met.[/quote]

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