Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

So he has to jump through hoops in the chance you might be up for it? What hoops are you jumping through?

Next time she’s up for it, just tell her nevermind. Watch how she suddenly accuses you of an affair. The double standard is amazing.

Yes. Partners need to connect and express affection and desire. These are not unreasonable needs (according to our couples therapist). You can call them hoops, but they are basic human interaction. If I spend the afternoon with any man and he suddenly wanted to have sex, I’d say no. It would be weird. Where’s the fore play?

I don’t think DH is having an affair. And if he expresses his needs to me, I’d try to meet him half way. When he’s pouting because I’ve rejected him the day before, I call him out on it. He says “having” to tell me I’m pretty feels forced. I tell him if he can’t find anything nice to say about me then how could he want to have sex with me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

So he has to jump through hoops in the chance you might be up for it? What hoops are you jumping through?

Next time she’s up for it, just tell her nevermind. Watch how she suddenly accuses you of an affair. The double standard is amazing.

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

The above makes perfect sense.
Now give us a recent concrete example where YOU put in some actual effort towards having sex with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

PP what specific actions do YOU take towards your marital sex life (one the THE most important parts of a marriage)?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, libidos fade and other things become more important than sex. Sex is important when your body demands it, then not so much.

Anonymous wrote:Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Her last reason for rejection was that I hadn't been romantic enough to her in the past few weeks.

She's telling you something. What does romantic mean to her? Everyone has a different love language. Instead of accepting a sexless marriage, are you willing to romance her more?

This. I’ve said this to my DH before - that I didn’t want to have sex with him, because he hasn’t been romantic or shown me affection. Like you, he was angry and felt rejected. He sulked and was distant toward me. I felt like he was punishing me for turning him down. He said he didn’t know the correct algorithm of romantic acts he should do during the day that would lead to sex at night.

I told him that I need to feel desired by my partner in order to feel sexually aroused. When he treats me like a roommate or friend during the day with no sexual energy between us, I don’t feel desired. My body doesn’t go from friend zone to sex beast when we jump into bed. If we’ve been friend zone all day, then I’m still feeling like a friend toward DH at night when he’s trying to initiate.

I told him romantic for me was the things he did earlier in our marriage when we had more sex. Tell me you think I’m hot. What is it about my body that is attractive? Sensual touching throughout the day. Earlier in our marriage we would kiss during the day, say I love yous, flirt with each other. He would plan dates and surprises. He tried to woo me.

Are you treating your DW like you did when you first married? Also, we went to couples counseling for support. Therapist told DH my love language is words of affirmation. I needed him to express desire in words. Are you speaking you DW’s love language? Maybe try some help before throwing in the towel and cheating.