Reply to 6 months post-affair and still struggling

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[quote=Anonymous]just curious OP--how much of this anger and resentment were you carrying around before the affair? Sounds like the issues have been there a looong time. Maybe your therapist isn't the right one, but focusing on the marriage (versus the affair) is probably the only way to figure out where the various issues lie and whether they are solveable (or if you want to solve them).  In a way, it sounds like the affair was the last straw for you--but also has given your (repressed?) anger justification, its finally all coming out but you are being asked to put it aside at the same time. Feelings of incredible anger are normal for a betrayed spouse, but ultimately eats you up too if you can't get past it. Anger also serves as a protective force--as long as you are incredibly FUCKING pissed off, you protect yourself from being hurt again by remaining disappointed and separate.

I also wonder bout the power/control dynamic. What if you just let go of a lot of the decision making and 'action items' and left  him do it (right or wrong)--and made him take responsibility for his fuck ups, too? For a long time in my (otherwise pretty decent) marriage, I carried the resentment of being the more "capable" one--and thus doing more work etc. It created a very poor dynamic-- i was angry at the burden, DH felt like I wa controlling over every little thing and we ended up on extreme opposite sides of the fence over so many issues (at times I thought he was just a stubborn fuck), in part because we were acting out these roles. We were both right and both wrong. I stepped back, and eventually DH stepped up (and began to recognize that some of my contributions were valid once he started doing stuff) and we're on a more even playing field now. I know your situation is a lot different, with more to covercome, but thought I'd throw that out there.

I also wonder if you might not want to see a therapist on your own for a while? maybe you can sort out your feelings in a different context? [/quote]

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