Reply to Sister and her constant health “issues”

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[quote=Anonymous]I have a sister like this also, although she hasn't yet discovered a legitimate cause. I get where you're coming from OP and am sorry you're getting so much reinforcing of guilt from other posters.

My advice is to pick a level of interaction/responsiveness/support for your sister that feels right to you. How much energy and time do you want (and can you afford mentally) to give to your sister? What things are you happy to do to support her? What would you consider doing if needed in times of emergency? What is too much to ask or are you not willing to do? Etc...

Be honest with yourself and lay out some operating principles that feel right to you. Write them down. Tell them to your spouse (if relevant.) You don't need to spell them out to your sister unless you want to , but it will help guide what you do going forward.

You can tell your sister you are sorry she's got such a scary surgery to deal with. You can ask if it helps to finally get a diagnosis that may offer light at the end of the tunnel. You can ask what you can do to support her in the next few weeks. You can offer a list of things you thought might be helpful. you can ask how she's feeling about the surgery.

All of that is supportive and reasonable. You do not need to flagellate yourself for decisions you made in the past. If she harangues you and heaps on guilt you don't have to accept that. "I'm really sorry you're so mad Jane - that certainly was never my intent. I do want to help you get through this but I understand if you'd rather not have me involved at this point."

It is entirely possible to be simultaneously legitimately sick and completely annoying or over the top.

It is entirely possible to be gravely ill and not be annoying or comfortable seeking attention.

It is entirely possible to be supportive and also have boundaries.

It is entirely possible to find your support or have your needs met by someone other than immediate family.

It is entirely possible that surgery will correct what has been so hard for her.

It is entirely possible that post surgery she will still be overly dramatic and attention seeking.

It is entirely possible that you and she can revise the dynamics between you so you have a healthier and more rewarding relationship in the future.

Etc...

Don't martyr yourself OP. [/quote]

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