My DH suffered from headaches for years and was mocked by his family for sleeping excessively and complaining about the pain. He learned to ignore his symptoms because no one took him seriously. When we were first married, he almost died from a buildup of cerebrospinal fluid caused by an undiagnosed brain tumor. It required two surgeries, chemo and radiation, and lifelong medication.

His sister was a real jerk through the entire thing. So, OP, that is you in this scenario. Hope you can make your peace with that.

Please listen to this, OP:

Being in pain and struggling with unexplained and dismissed symptoms for years does something to your psyche. You feel you're going crazy. You may seek attention and whine and dramatize BECAUSE your symptoms are real yet no one is paying attention. Anxiety arising from not knowing what your body is doing makes the symptoms worse, and makes you behave in ways that others do not understand.

Just because you think your sister has an annoying personality does not mean she didn't have REAL SYMPTOMS for years, and deserves REAL MEDICAL TREATMENT and REAL EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.

My mother developed Multiple Sclerosis at 26. At the time, in her country, her doctors were not sure she had MS, and knew little about it. They chose to hide it from her for years. Since she did not have a diagnosis, her entire family called her crazy and when she couldn't work because she was in hospital, paralyzed, one said she was faking things just to get on the dole. When she was finally diagnosed "officially", her family took a long time to come around because they had been so dismissive of her symptoms and probably felt guilty and uncomfortable with her situation. I spent my childhood hearing all about it from all sides...

So don't do this to your sister. Be kind. Suffering while being ignored or criticized is the WORST.

It would be ideal if you could apologize for dismissing her symptoms right away, so it doesn't weigh on the relationship going forward. Then you can listen to her without any guilt, and be just as compassionate with her as you would with any other loved one in your life.

OP. Sounds like she has Chiari Malformation which causes a syrinx. Look up the symptoms, they are quite disabling and cause a host of issues. It is a condition you are born with and can cause symptoms at any time. The fix? Brain surgery. Even if she doesn’t have Chiari, the fix is major spinal surgery. So you just have been an ah%le this whole time because you didn’t believe her pain was real and the doctors couldn’t figure it out. An attention grab? What a jerk you are.

I have a sister like this also, although she hasn't yet discovered a legitimate cause. I get where you're coming from OP and am sorry you're getting so much reinforcing of guilt from other posters.

My advice is to pick a level of interaction/responsiveness/support for your sister that feels right to you. How much energy and time do you want (and can you afford mentally) to give to your sister? What things are you happy to do to support her? What would you consider doing if needed in times of emergency? What is too much to ask or are you not willing to do? Etc...

Be honest with yourself and lay out some operating principles that feel right to you. Write them down. Tell them to your spouse (if relevant.) You don't need to spell them out to your sister unless you want to , but it will help guide what you do going forward.

You can tell your sister you are sorry she's got such a scary surgery to deal with. You can ask if it helps to finally get a diagnosis that may offer light at the end of the tunnel. You can ask what you can do to support her in the next few weeks. You can offer a list of things you thought might be helpful. you can ask how she's feeling about the surgery.

All of that is supportive and reasonable. You do not need to flagellate yourself for decisions you made in the past. If she harangues you and heaps on guilt you don't have to accept that. "I'm really sorry you're so mad Jane - that certainly was never my intent. I do want to help you get through this but I understand if you'd rather not have me involved at this point."

It is entirely possible to be simultaneously legitimately sick and completely annoying or over the top.

It is entirely possible to be gravely ill and not be annoying or comfortable seeking attention.

It is entirely possible to be supportive and also have boundaries.

It is entirely possible to find your support or have your needs met by someone other than immediate family.

It is entirely possible that surgery will correct what has been so hard for her.

It is entirely possible that post surgery she will still be overly dramatic and attention seeking.

It is entirely possible that you and she can revise the dynamics between you so you have a healthier and more rewarding relationship in the future.

Etc...

Don't martyr yourself OP.

My sister is somewhat like this, too. There's always some sort of drama or crisis. It makes it challenging to know when it's a real emergency or pressing situation, or her attention seeking dramatics.

Over the years I've learned to acknowledge, but not give advice, and draw boundaries when she constantly complains - by limiting my responses to a few words.

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. This is the chicken and the egg: your sister has had a legitimate, albeit undiagnosed, health problem AND she also has engaged in prolonged complaining and attention-seeking behaviors. Which came first? Did the medical problem exacerbate the behavior or did the behavior mask the problem? It is hard to know.

I also have a lack of patience for people who are always complaining so my response would have been like yours. I would have stopped listening and then, after this discovery, would be feeling badly. I think you need to validate with her that she NOW, FINALLY she has a real reason for her health problems and that it is actionable, how wonderful that is for her and how grateful you both are that she continued to push and press the medical establishment to figure out what was wrong. Support her as she proceeds because it sounds like she will need some surgery and/or other treatments.

Good luck!

Well you and the OP deserve one another.

Anonymous wrote:My much younger sister has had a host of health problems that have led to many ER visits, doctor appointments, and tests that never amount to anything. She gets migraines, complains of constant neck plan, numbness in her arms, and poor circulation. She’s extremely dramatic so over the years I stopped paying much attention to the “I’m at the ER” and “this is what major medical problems I may have now” texts and phone calls. I’ve talked to her about her need to overreact to everything and how not everything is an emergency. Well she has started having some facial paralysis and a neurologist ordered and MRI of her neck/spine and apparently she has a syrinx in her spinal cord that has caused significant damage and will be meeting with a neurosurgeon to discuss surgical options. Apparently all of her symptoms are from this syrinx in her spinal cord. I feel awful that I lectured her so much, and dismissed so many of her concerns. I am really concerned about her but at the same time I know she’s going to turn this into an attention grab. How can I let her know I am worried about he without feeding into her attention seeking behavior.

I truly don’t understand your concerns now that this is a valid medical ailment.

Attention grab?

If you don’t want to give her sympathy during this time, then don’t. It’s really not hard.

Are you jealous that she is “grabbing” the attention of your parents/siblings ? If so then you should work on being less needy and jealous. Grow up.

Anonymous wrote:Nerve pain is horrible and can really take over your life. Your sister is probably incredibly relived that they finally figured out what is wrong with her. How do you think this will become an “attention grab” beyond what a person would normally expect who is dealing with chronic harrowing pain and spine surgery?

Yea, i just went through a bout of shingles with accompanying nerve pain. I ended up in the ER and was fortunate to be diagnosed there. Nerve pain is horrific and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I had it for less than a week and it gave me real insight into how awful it must be for people who deal with chronic pain conditions. Op, now that there’s a diagnosis I think you need to shift your thinking on this.

I think if you give your sister some dedicated attention and empathy, she is less likely to "seek attention." So if you have a conversation and say "I'm sorry I dismissed you health issues and lectured you. That wasn't fair. I'm glad you finally got some answers and I want to be more supportive going forward," then she won't need to be trying to get your attention as much.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're an asshole. I read your second sentence and immediately thought, "Pinched nerve? Something pressing on spine?"

She wants attention because nobody has cared about her, you idiot. You're the worst sister ever. She SHOULD be getting lots of attention and fussed over - she has something wrong with her spine and needs surgery. She's scared as hell and in tons of pain.

Agree. Please leave your sister be if you can’t be kinder.

I sympathize with your sister doing surgery while COVID rages on. I had serious surgery and the caregiver who came to take care of me afterwards had COVID! Yikes.
As for the the family they just couldn’t “get” that this was serious surgery with a long recovery period. After about a week they wanted it to be over. Well so did I but that didn’t change that recovery, PT, weaning from meds, etc etc went on for months.
OP it’s not in you to support your sister obviously. You are too ... something. Try to leave your sister alone so she can do this and recover in peace. It’s very hard and scary thing she is facing.

I get it OP. This is the chicken and the egg: your sister has had a legitimate, albeit undiagnosed, health problem AND she also has engaged in prolonged complaining and attention-seeking behaviors. Which came first? Did the medical problem exacerbate the behavior or did the behavior mask the problem? It is hard to know.

I also have a lack of patience for people who are always complaining so my response would have been like yours. I would have stopped listening and then, after this discovery, would be feeling badly. I think you need to validate with her that she NOW, FINALLY she has a real reason for her health problems and that it is actionable, how wonderful that is for her and how grateful you both are that she continued to push and press the medical establishment to figure out what was wrong. Support her as she proceeds because it sounds like she will need some surgery and/or other treatments.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Wait—so your sister is in legitimate pain from a legitimate medical issue, and you’re trying to figure out how to dole out support so that she doesn’t bask in the attention. Did I get that right?

Damn. I hope you have a good therapist to unpack your warped view of the world. Who hurt you—your mom or dad?

+1

My mom spent my entire life mocking her older sister for ill-defined health issues dating back to childhood. Then, my youngest was born with all of the same health issues and our doctor wanted to get a full family health history and genetic tests. Turned out my aunt had a disorder not normally associated with our social race, but because we are mixed race, she inherited it. My mom had one copy and passed it to me who passed it to DD who got a second copy from her dad. For fifty years, my aunt was undiagnosed because of racism and then reviled within her own family as shirking school/work and being melodramatic. 50 years. I cry every time I think of my DD in the same position. The only difference between them was the year they were born. Both are doing well now with medication and monitoring. My mom has never apologized to her sister.

Anonymous wrote:Your sister has had years of pain from this issue before diagnosis. She was calling you because she has been frustrated and in PAIN. If you are a woman, you know that most doctors seem to take women less seriously, always seem to think they are being overly dramatic. Your sister was frustrated and needed to vent.

I hope her surgery goes well and she is able to resolve her constant pain.

The idea of neurosurgery is scary. The idea of surgery during covid is scary. ( and the idea that covid could cancel her surgery is scary too)

Be nice.

I agree with this. I’m surprised she is in communication with you when you blow her off so easily even when she clearly has a legitimate reason for all her issues! I’ve been dealing with a chronic issue since the beginning of this year and I look back at how much I took my health for granted. You need to be kinder to her, op.