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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think you might be more forgiving when you come into your mother’s shoes as a parent with adult children. You may not know exactly why she is emphasizing praise to your brother. Maybe your brother is secretly suffering from depression and needs the extra attention? Maybe she is trying to get him to participate and do more? She probably thinks you are a strong person and don’t need the extra attention that your no so mentally strong brother needs. Your mother is not perfect, and neither are you.[/quote]

It is good to empathize with your parents, or with older people generally, because everyone deserves empathy. And none of us knows what aging will bring. It is true that family life can be complex and, in her mind, a mother who does this with her adult children may truly not realize how it is hurtful or harmful.

But it's also not relevant to OP's issue. This isn't a question of forgiving her mother or not. If you are an adult with a parent who has failed to provide emotional support throughout your life (but especially in your childhood when your awareness and personality formed), it doesn't matter what you mother's reasons for doing this are. It will trigger the same response in you it triggered as a child, which is to feel insecure and to seek validation that will not come because of family dynamics. When you have been dealing with that specific dynamic for 30 or 40 years, and particularly if you have children of your own, you need to find ways to manage that relationship with your mom so that her behavior does not continue to trigger the same feelings of abandonment and emotional neglect.

That's what this thread is about. What do you do when you do not and have never gotten emotional support from a parent? And in particular, when that parent engages in triggering behavior like using comparative language regarding a sibling? How do you avoid rising to the bait, or spiraling from that trigger? These are practical concerns. How does OP function within her relationship with her mom, and just in general, when her mom continues to engage in hurtful behavior?

If you can understand where OP's mom is coming from, that's fine. Again, empathy is good and has it's place. But there's no role for the "be more forgiving, that will be you someday" argument. Maybe so! In the meantime, OP needs to find a way to function.[/quote]

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