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[quote=Anonymous]OP, my brother is a recovering alcoholic. He never made amends and continued to act in childish, verbally aggressive ways even after he was sober, I think because his development was stunted by his drinking (which started very early) and also because he has underlying emotional issues that probably contributed to his drinking in the first place.

He lashes out every time there is stress in the family because he has no way to handle it. When my father became ill my brother cut off contact with me and my sister for several things he literally imagined we did. He refused to speak to us at my father's funeral. A few months after my father died, he sent me a letter. It was supposedly to make amends for his behavior during that time and re-initiate contact, but mostly re-invented history to paint himself as a victim. I struggled with how to handle it. I could see the work he had put into it, did not want to jeopardize his recovery, but could also see how very far he was from real growth. I couldn't think of a reason to have him in my life.

In the end, I decided the kindest response I could muster was ignoring it. I felt like he was not in a place to handle any truths I unleashed on him, and I also didn't think it was my responsibility to support the fiction he sent me. My sister chose to re-initiate contact, and she has since cut it off again because of his behavior. My mom "stays out of it". I think honestly she is relieved he is mad at us because for years he was mad at her and him having somewhere else to direct his anger has mad her life easier (he is the only one of us that still lives in her city).

All of this to say: you are not cruel to maintain boundaries. It is not your responsibility to allow your brother to try to repair the relationship he destroyed on his timeline. If you are not ready to talk to him yet, don't. If you would accept and read a letter from him, you could offer that. Or you could just say you are not ready to talk and will let him know when you are.[/quote]

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