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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP. I"m sorry there are so many jerks on this thread. People could have posted some of the thoughts above without having to insult you as "exhausting" or "needy," both of whihc are so often and so inappropriately used on DCUM that they mean nothing any more.

OP, your post about feeling your DH doesn't "see" you translates, to me, as he seems, to you, to have no interest in you as a person with a past, your own interests, etc. I would wager he doesn't ask you about your opinions of things (whether it's politics, the food you're both eating, the show you're watching, whatever) nor does he show any interest in what you're doing at work/hobbies/with the kids if any. If that is accurate...I agree that the place to start is individual therapy, ASAP. You need an objective third party to help you assess what you're really seeing from him and how you're reacting to it.

If he has always been like this, you may need to rethink what you expect from the relationship and why youd expect something he was never giving you even before marriage. If this is a change, and previously he showed interest in you as a person, then you need to figure out what might have caused the change.

While it's true many men are not great at expressing affection the way many women would like them to -- people can learn to do new things, and that includes learning to meet a spouse halfway in terms of meeting those needs. But yeah, you need to start unpacking this, especially your own needs and expectations and whether you or he has changed, by working with a professional yourself first.

You'll get more of the nasty "leave him alone, you're the problem" posts here, unfortunately. I'm not saying he's evil and you're perfect. But it's pretty hard to be in a relationship if what you want is a spouse who takes [i]some[/i] interest in what interests you, or at least tries. If that's the issue you're talking about, think through why you married him, what is positive in the relationship, why you feel the need to do "bonding exercises" that end up in a dispute, etc. and whether this is a change.[/quote]

OP here and I think you hit upon something  - and that is that this is something about me, not him.  It's something I've struggled my whole life with - feeling "unseen". And I'm trying to get it from him, but I know I won't.  Because, while he is not a bad guy, he's never been someone who understands or is in interested in people except in abstract terms.

Time for therapy. As a child, my goal was to be "unseen" to get through my childhood.  But that tactic is not serving me so well into adulthood.[/quote]

OP, it sounds like you were trying to do a therapy exercise with yourself as you and the therapist. There are several books- John Gottman's books, the book on love languages- that might be helpful for both you and your DH if he is wiling to read and reflect himself, which it sounds like he may be. You and he have different love languages. This is very common and can be worked on successfully within a marriage. If you stay married long enough, this issue will come up. Therapy will get you started if he is willing, but you say he is not. The books can help take the pressure off of you to act as therapist and as yourself and may give your DH the privacy and the structure that he wants and needs for these conversations to be helpful.[/quote]

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