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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think being triggered is a part of it, therapy helps a lot and over time it can be expected to lessen as you process and come to know what happened. I read a lot, about other people's experiences and how they healed. I let myself feel every crazy, f ing emotion and i also let him see my pain and what he did. He was both surprised I cared as much as I did and deeply ashamed and remorseful. I said you must return to your own therapy and he did. I said you must understand you carry the load for us staying together, I might leave, I meant it and he responded.  It took time...one day about 2 years later, after we moved to a new beautiful house, i just broke down again. I remember asking him why....that i never really understood and he said things to me about his loneliness at that time and for whatever reason, i knew it was true and it was a turning point in being able to let a lot go and trust enough to go forward. Thete are no guarantees in any relationship.[/quote]

Also, I was relieved I found out the truth. Some women are married for decades to men who were completely faithful. They retain that innocence. But for many of us, it just does not go that way. I wish it did for us, but it did not. The only choice going forward was...did i want to rebuild something new with this person going forward? Ask yourself that.  I did and i am glad I stayed. I love this guy deeply and I know he loves me deeply too, probably more than before. We had a whole, interconnected life together.  If you both do the work it can bond you and make you stronger....it is like having been in combat together. And I know I can handle whatever happens, alone or together, because it brought me to my knees, but I survived. You will too. [/quote]

Yes.  What I also have found is that my husband and I have always had passion, still have great sex life 23 years in.  We get along great and rarely fight.  We truly enjoy each other’s company, are best friends.  We have so many people tell us how they envy our relationship (they have zero idea about the affair).

I see couples with no cheating that look miserable and verbally say as much.  They are hanging on in a purely business like relationship. They rarely have sex.

His affair had made him address flaws and finally his repressed childhood issues.  His individual therapy has been a god send and something he never would have addressed without hitting rock bottom.  It shook up our marriage and we turned and cling to each other. So I try to remember when I get so sad about that blind trust I had and how he violated it, that in some aspects we have a much deeper and stronger relationship and it was a true wake up call half way through.  He kicks himself because we were really getting the passion back after dealing with a parent’s illness/death.  He turned outside and internalized grief as coldness towards him.

I see every marriage has some issue.  I would rather live in technicolor and have this intense passion, versus muddling through for another 25+ years.  Yes, I much preferred he never cheated at all, but the love and deep foundation we have makes it worth staying for now.  And, this would not be possible without his immediate deep remorse and work on himself and marriage.  It helps he had ended the relationship and had already put himself in therapy before confessing to me.  It would be a different story if he was in love and it was ongoing.  He also knows I will throw him out on his @ss without hesitation if anything ever were to happen again.  He sees the intense pain he put me in and has said that kills him.  I think people don’t share the success stories because it is a taboo topic and most everyone says they would leave if it happened to them.  Reality is very different and situations are so different.  It’s gray- not black and white.

Our kids are deeply loved and it’s a very happy family.[/quote]

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