Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being triggered is a part of it, therapy helps a lot and over time it can be expected to lessen as you process and come to know what happened. I read a lot, about other people's experiences and how they healed. I let myself feel every crazy, f ing emotion and i also let him see my pain and what he did. He was both surprised I cared as much as I did and deeply ashamed and remorseful. I said you must return to your own therapy and he did. I said you must understand you carry the load for us staying together, I might leave, I meant it and he responded. It took time...one day about 2 years later, after we moved to a new beautiful house, i just broke down again. I remember asking him why....that i never really understood and he said things to me about his loneliness at that time and for whatever reason, i knew it was true and it was a turning point in being able to let a lot go and trust enough to go forward. Thete are no guarantees in any relationship.

Also, I was relieved I found out the truth. Some women are married for decades to men who were completely faithful. They retain that innocence. But for many of us, it just does not go that way. I wish it did for us, but it did not. The only choice going forward was...did i want to rebuild something new with this person going forward? Ask yourself that. I did and i am glad I stayed. I love this guy deeply and I know he loves me deeply too, probably more than before. We had a whole, interconnected life together. If you both do the work it can bond you and make you stronger....it is like having been in combat together. And I know I can handle whatever happens, alone or together, because it brought me to my knees, but I survived. You will too.

Yes. What I also have found is that my husband and I have always had passion, still have great sex life 23 years in. We get along great and rarely fight. We truly enjoy each other’s company, are best friends. We have so many people tell us how they envy our relationship (they have zero idea about the affair).

I see couples with no cheating that look miserable and verbally say as much. They are hanging on in a purely business like relationship. They rarely have sex.

His affair had made him address flaws and finally his repressed childhood issues. His individual therapy has been a god send and something he never would have addressed without hitting rock bottom. It shook up our marriage and we turned and cling to each other. So I try to remember when I get so sad about that blind trust I had and how he violated it, that in some aspects we have a much deeper and stronger relationship and it was a true wake up call half way through. He kicks himself because we were really getting the passion back after dealing with a parent’s illness/death. He turned outside and internalized grief as coldness towards him.

I see every marriage has some issue. I would rather live in technicolor and have this intense passion, versus muddling through for another 25+ years. Yes, I much preferred he never cheated at all, but the love and deep foundation we have makes it worth staying for now. And, this would not be possible without his immediate deep remorse and work on himself and marriage. It helps he had ended the relationship and had already put himself in therapy before confessing to me. It would be a different story if he was in love and it was ongoing. He also knows I will throw him out on his @ss without hesitation if anything ever were to happen again. He sees the intense pain he put me in and has said that kills him. I think people don’t share the success stories because it is a taboo topic and most everyone says they would leave if it happened to them. Reality is very different and situations are so different. It’s gray- not black and white.

Our kids are deeply loved and it’s a very happy family.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I had a similar situation... believed it was emotional, then later found out it was also physical. We did therapy for a year and he never got the root of "why" he stepped out. We had a happy, loving marriage. Sure enough, as soon as things in his life got rocky again, he cheated a second time. I was done. Escapism is his coping mechanism and I'm not here for it.

A lot of “emotional” affairs are actually physical. They will deny physical contact unless proof is staring them in the face and then they will still sometimes gaslight it away.

Anonymous wrote:I know my husband cheated but I don't have proof, other than money he spent and won't account for and change in behavior/weird comments that were out of character. He lied on multiple occasions, though again I have no "evidence." He stopped doing whatever he was doing, closed bank accounts and reluctantly ( a battle that took several years) gave me access to all accounts. He is much nicer now, which further confirms my belief that he was having some kind of affair.

I saw several therapists in the past few years to help me deal with all the negative feelings and to decide what I wanted to do. I got to the point where I wanted to leave and started to think about logistics and my DH started to realize that I could seriously leave. Things are better but I won't ever trust my DH like I used to. As COVID restrictions end and he returns to work and goes out more, I find myself with this nagging worry and need to double check what he is doing.

Not sure this is helpful, but count yourself lucky that you have proof your DH was cheating. I would make sure you have access to all financial records. Affairs cost money and bank accounts are a great way to monitor even if it does not provide hard evidence.

But sometimes they cost nothing. My spouse met at AP’s house in the middle of the work day/lunch break. He spent zero $ on her.

I'm sorry, OP. I had a similar situation... believed it was emotional, then later found out it was also physical. We did therapy for a year and he never got the root of "why" he stepped out. We had a happy, loving marriage. Sure enough, as soon as things in his life got rocky again, he cheated a second time. I was done. Escapism is his coping mechanism and I'm not here for it.

He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country. You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?

You know what is interesting? I had a feeling something was up with my husband, also concocted a story in my head, all of which was technically wrong but he was in the early stages of an emotional affair. So I got the person and details all wrong, but the feeling of his disengagement was accurate. (And an outlier, I never felt what I was feeling before in many years of marriage). I always think trusting your gut is a good beginning, understanding you may get the reality of the story wrong. And actually probably will.

A few years ago I thought my husband was having an affair with a younger colleague. I will skip rehashing the signs but when I confronted him after many months of it eating away at me he said "she's gay but thanks for not trusting me." So be careful on what you assume.

Anonymous wrote:I think being triggered is a part of it, therapy helps a lot and over time it can be expected to lessen as you process and come to know what happened. I read a lot, about other people's experiences and how they healed. I let myself feel every crazy, f ing emotion and i also let him see my pain and what he did. He was both surprised I cared as much as I did and deeply ashamed and remorseful. I said you must return to your own therapy and he did. I said you must understand you carry the load for us staying together, I might leave, I meant it and he responded. It took time...one day about 2 years later, after we moved to a new beautiful house, i just broke down again. I remember asking him why....that i never really understood and he said things to me about his loneliness at that time and for whatever reason, i knew it was true and it was a turning point in being able to let a lot go and trust enough to go forward. Thete are no guarantees in any relationship.

Also, I was relieved I found out the truth. Some women are married for decades to men who were completely faithful. They retain that innocence. But for many of us, it just does not go that way. I wish it did for us, but it did not. The only choice going forward was...did i want to rebuild something new with this person going forward? Ask yourself that. I did and i am glad I stayed. I love this guy deeply and I know he loves me deeply too, probably more than before. We had a whole, interconnected life together. If you both do the work it can bond you and make you stronger....it is like having been in combat together. And I know I can handle whatever happens, alone or together, because it brought me to my knees, but I survived. You will too.

I think being triggered is a part of it, therapy helps a lot and over time it can be expected to lessen as you process and come to know what happened. I read a lot, about other people's experiences and how they healed. I let myself feel every crazy, f ing emotion and i also let him see my pain and what he did. He was both surprised I cared as much as I did and deeply ashamed and remorseful. I said you must return to your own therapy and he did. I said you must understand you carry the load for us staying together, I might leave, I meant it and he responded. It took time...one day about 2 years later, after we moved to a new beautiful house, i just broke down again. I remember asking him why....that i never really understood and he said things to me about his loneliness at that time and for whatever reason, i knew it was true and it was a turning point in being able to let a lot go and trust enough to go forward. Thete are no guarantees in any relationship.

I know my husband cheated but I don't have proof, other than money he spent and won't account for and change in behavior/weird comments that were out of character. He lied on multiple occasions, though again I have no "evidence." He stopped doing whatever he was doing, closed bank accounts and reluctantly ( a battle that took several years) gave me access to all accounts. He is much nicer now, which further confirms my belief that he was having some kind of affair.

I saw several therapists in the past few years to help me deal with all the negative feelings and to decide what I wanted to do. I got to the point where I wanted to leave and started to think about logistics and my DH started to realize that I could seriously leave. Things are better but I won't ever trust my DH like I used to. As COVID restrictions end and he returns to work and goes out more, I find myself with this nagging worry and need to double check what he is doing.

Not sure this is helpful, but count yourself lucky that you have proof your DH was cheating. I would make sure you have access to all financial records. Affairs cost money and bank accounts are a great way to monitor even if it does not provide hard evidence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you had to go through this. A few years ago my husband had one. He had therapy, i was in therapy at the time, we are much better and closer. Year one was like having ptsd, very hard. To answer your question. Complete trust? No. I rarely get triggered now....but I can. By innocent things....a new female single neighbor we befriend, if he is in a distant mood, a movie on infidelity. We talk about it. I feel it, tell him if I can't get a handle on it myself, most of the time I can. (But i have had a lot of therapy). It might sound hard to understand...that we are better from it, that it was also the deepest pain I ever knew and that we moved forward, but no I know what he was capable of and his weaknesses. I forgave, but I live with it and I trust him enough....but not in the innocent way I did before, no. That is what died. But we also are stronger, healthier and wiser.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel! Thank you 🙏🏽
Little things trigger me and cause a visceral reaction. And yes, things are so much better in many ways
, yet I still feel so much pain. I wish there was a way to get back that innocent trust, but I know that is not possible.
I’m trying to just accept that some things are out of my control (any future betrayals) and accept that I cannot/should not ever trust blindly the way that I once did.

The hardest aspect for me is not controlling any future betrayals. There is no way I would survive another one. It would literally kill me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine had a primary physical, not emotional one. They didn’t know each other prior. It was an arrangement 1-2 times per month. We had a healthy sex life, always have so it’s absolutely mind boggling. He didn’t love her, never would have dated her if he were single. She knew that too and said as much. She was not that attractive and old. It’s so f@cking weird.

He hit rock bottom and goes to therapy a couple times per week, hates who he became, tons of disgust/remorse. He is the one that broke it off and I have no doubt he never wants to talk to her ever again. He could not stand her at the end.

But, gross. Just so gross. It’s so rapey and gross knowing I was screwing him several times per week while he was doing that.

The stereotype is that women care more about the emotional aspect of affairs and men are more upset to learn of physical affairs. Nah. Not for me. The sex acts with someone else play on a constant mind loop. It’s horrifying. I could handle it much better if it were just emotional and nothing physical than purely physical.

Wow, I’m pretty shocked by this one! I have a large extended group of friends who are pretty open about this stuff. It’s always been either the sex was none/minimal or just robotic get it done style thus the affair. Maybe he never got around in his younger years and wanted to explore? Or he’s just a natural cheater, have to be some of those around past age 30....many of them before.

His father was a bad alcoholic, serial cheater that left the family. We did meet in our mid 20s, very passionate. We are great friends and always been highly attracted to one another. He is extremely high libido, always has been. Mine is good.

He was diagnosed as having highly narcissistic tendencies with ability to compartmentalize. It’s the need for extreme external validation, self entitlement and a bit of a midlife crisis . Having some other narcissistic loser who will blow smoke up your ass and tell you that you are so wonderful Is a pure fix like a shot of booze. They were both f@cked up people from severely dysfunctional families.

My therapist has said you would not believe how many marriages have this happen...and many never get caught.

Can someone be like this without so much overt trauma? My DH is kind of like this. His dad was great but a workaholic and his mom was physically attentive but mentally cold.

His mom is very cold. Maybe it’s that aspect. It makes sense psychologically... mommy issues...kind of like daddy issues. Needing constant female validation.

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you had to go through this. A few years ago my husband had one. He had therapy, i was in therapy at the time, we are much better and closer. Year one was like having ptsd, very hard. To answer your question. Complete trust? No. I rarely get triggered now....but I can. By innocent things....a new female single neighbor we befriend, if he is in a distant mood, a movie on infidelity. We talk about it. I feel it, tell him if I can't get a handle on it myself, most of the time I can. (But i have had a lot of therapy). It might sound hard to understand...that we are better from it, that it was also the deepest pain I ever knew and that we moved forward, but no I know what he was capable of and his weaknesses. I forgave, but I live with it and I trust him enough....but not in the innocent way I did before, no. That is what died. But we also are stronger, healthier and wiser.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel! Thank you 🙏🏽
Little things trigger me and cause a visceral reaction. And yes, things are so much better in many ways
, yet I still feel so much pain. I wish there was a way to get back that innocent trust, but I know that is not possible.
I’m trying to just accept that some things are out of my control (any future betrayals) and accept that I cannot/should not ever trust blindly the way that I once did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine had a primary physical, not emotional one. They didn’t know each other prior. It was an arrangement 1-2 times per month. We had a healthy sex life, always have so it’s absolutely mind boggling. He didn’t love her, never would have dated her if he were single. She knew that too and said as much. She was not that attractive and old. It’s so f@cking weird.

He hit rock bottom and goes to therapy a couple times per week, hates who he became, tons of disgust/remorse. He is the one that broke it off and I have no doubt he never wants to talk to her ever again. He could not stand her at the end.

But, gross. Just so gross. It’s so rapey and gross knowing I was screwing him several times per week while he was doing that.

The stereotype is that women care more about the emotional aspect of affairs and men are more upset to learn of physical affairs. Nah. Not for me. The sex acts with someone else play on a constant mind loop. It’s horrifying. I could handle it much better if it were just emotional and nothing physical than purely physical.

Wow, I’m pretty shocked by this one! I have a large extended group of friends who are pretty open about this stuff. It’s always been either the sex was none/minimal or just robotic get it done style thus the affair. Maybe he never got around in his younger years and wanted to explore? Or he’s just a natural cheater, have to be some of those around past age 30....many of them before.

His father was a bad alcoholic, serial cheater that left the family. We did meet in our mid 20s, very passionate. We are great friends and always been highly attracted to one another. He is extremely high libido, always has been. Mine is good.

He was diagnosed as having highly narcissistic tendencies with ability to compartmentalize. It’s the need for extreme external validation, self entitlement and a bit of a midlife crisis . Having some other narcissistic loser who will blow smoke up your ass and tell you that you are so wonderful Is a pure fix like a shot of booze. They were both f@cked up people from severely dysfunctional families.

My therapist has said you would not believe how many marriages have this happen...and many never get caught.

Can someone be like this without so much overt trauma? My DH is kind of like this. His dad was great but a workaholic and his mom was physically attentive but mentally cold.

Anonymous wrote:Op, you need your own individual counselor to help You through this. A PP is right when saying you will never get back that innocent level of trust you once had. Your own counselor can help you work through whether you have a level of trust you can live with, whether you can communicate and build more, etc.

Personally, DH’s affairs showed me that much Of the trust and safety we have in our lives is illusory. Until this year, I thought I was in a pretty recession proof job. Now - poof. Life is like that and to me, the main issue is how to practice resilience, which sometimes means rolling with the punches and sometimes means enforcing boundaries.

+1

Loss of trust is a biggie after this.