Reply to I have zero patience for my moms forgetfulness

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[quote=Anonymous]You don’t sound heartless, OP. Please don’t be hard on yourself for your completely understandable reaction to your mother. It sounds like you endured years of abuse, and that if it weren’t for your father, perhaps you’d make the choice to be estranged, and you’d have good reason.

It also sounds like you are very protective of your father, at your own (and your children’s) expense; I imagine this runs deep and began in childhood. I do wonder what his role was when you were growing up at the mercy of your mother’s abuse. It pained you to see your four year old hurt by your mom. Where was your dad when it was happening to you, day after day?

What I’m trying to say is that you have the right to set boundaries around your dad’s visits - that he must come without her. It’s not cruel to your dad to protect yourself and your family. It seems that you don’t feel like your dad is as strong as you were, that he cannot endure her abuse the way that you did.

Is there any flexibility in the way you structure visits, to make them more bearable? Any changes you can make? For example, as PP said - you meet outside at a park, or at a cafe, and keep the visits very short? And then find ways to see your dad privately.

I know it’s very complicated, and it’s easy for me to tell you to set those boundaries with your dad, from the outside looking in. You love him and you don’t want him to suffer; that’s not bearable to you.

I guess that I don’t have any good advice, except to tell you not to feel an ounce of guilt for your impatience with your mother. Give yourself some grace.

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