Anonymous wrote:You said that she’s used prescription drugs for 20+ years. Were those prescribed for her use by her doctors? I think you don’t recognize that she could have a real illness that’s beyond her control, rather than just a difficult personality.

You can’t take it personally.

“Growing up she was beyond abusive”, and your advice is that OP isn’t recognizing the truth of the situation, and she shouldn’t take it personally?

I pray you’re not a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mother isn’t well, OP.

You’re being cruel to a sick woman who can’t help it. Choose not to see your parents if you can’t muster some empathy and compassion.

NP and this is completely off-base.

OP understands she's a sick woman who cannot help it.
OP is not being cruel-- she's expressing frustration HERE with both the problem and her own reaction to it.
There is nothing to suggest OP lacks empathy or compassion.

+1. OP’s mother was abusive to her, throughout OP’s entire childhood; that’s the foundation of their relationship. There are consequences to that. OP is entitled to choose not to have a close relationship with her mother, and to establish boundaries.

This isn’t comparable to a daughter abandoning a parent with dementia, simply because she’s irritated by the behaviors, or finds them hard. PP is generalizing, when it’s so much more complicated than that.

Your poor father. Does he have any help other than the once a month visit?

You said that she’s used prescription drugs for 20+ years. Were those prescribed for her use by her doctors? I think you don’t recognize that she could have a real illness that’s beyond her control, rather than just a difficult personality.

You can’t take it personally.

Anonymous wrote:You mother isn’t well, OP.

You’re being cruel to a sick woman who can’t help it. Choose not to see your parents if you can’t muster some empathy and compassion.

NP and this is completely off-base.

OP understands she's a sick woman who cannot help it.
OP is not being cruel-- she's expressing frustration HERE with both the problem and her own reaction to it.
There is nothing to suggest OP lacks empathy or compassion.

You mother isn’t well, OP.

You’re being cruel to a sick woman who can’t help it. Choose not to see your parents if you can’t muster some empathy and compassion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is she not in rehab?

How much experience do you have with what rehab is, how long you can be there, what it costs, how you get someone there, etc.? From my experience, people who ask this question have no idea what they are talking about, but saw a movie once where a mom went to rehab at the movie climax and everyone lived happily ever after. Pure fiction.

Agreed. We have several members of our extended family who have addictions. We have been fortunate as a family that they've been able to pay for their own rehab treatments. It is very expensive and most people do not have that luxury.

Unfortunately, people outside of the addiction world tend to think that rehab is a good and permanent fix. For our family members, rehab has not been a one and done experience. Addictions are complex and life-long conditions. It is why someone in AA, who hasn't had a drink in years, will introduce him- or herself as "Hello, I am Larla and I am an alcoholic."

Anonymous wrote:When my mom had dementia I found myself managing her like you would a small child. I treated her respectfully but I didn't expect anything she said to be correct and I often managed her behavior similarly to if she was a little kid.

So, it might help if you let go of any expectation that she is a functioning adult. Also, you can use extreme forgetfulness in your favor by saying things that calm her in the moment but that won't actually happen, like "I'll take you to the store tomorrow." or similar.

These are good suggestions for you OP, especially the bolded.

And if you've stopped your therapy for some reason then you need to restart. Your mom has a medical condition, whether it is mental illness or dementia, and it doesn't sound like you're handling it very well. You are holding your past against her and you're not recognizing that the past doesn't matter a bit in her current condition. You need to get over it and deal with her as she is, not as she was. And she is a person who needs more compassion because of her medical condition not in spite of your past.

I doubt it, but would your dad be able to have your mom evaluated by a memory care specialist? Or talk to her pcp about it?

Anonymous wrote:Why is she not in rehab?

How much experience do you have with what rehab is, how long you can be there, what it costs, how you get someone there, etc.? From my experience, people who ask this question have no idea what they are talking about, but saw a movie once where a mom went to rehab at the movie climax and everyone lived happily ever after. Pure fiction.

OP, you are experiencing the personal effects of life long trauma that comes from being raised by someone who is mentally ill. It is blocking you from living fully. It is also blocking you from seeing your mother as a human being outside of yourself and your relationship with her.

Look for help to begin to heal. As a starting point, have you taken the ACE test?

https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/

OP, I do not have answers either. Only posting to say that you are not alone and anyone who offers an easy answer doesn’t really get it. There is no magic way to deal with this and no way to make it go away under the circumstances you describe.

I have tried being honest with my kids in private and telling them that this is private information but also it’s about their grandparent being unwell. It’s a conversation that I have had repeatedly with my kids. And when they start their abusive patterns, I shut it down. It’s exactly like dealing with a toddler like PP describes.

Keep an eye on the health of your father. My father died suddenly leaving us with a similarly mentally ill mom who expected us to do everything for her, as he had done. But unfortunately he had also enabled her (I'm not saying your dad does this) and it made her significantly worse over time.

Good luck I have no answers, just sympathy.

You don’t sound heartless, OP. Please don’t be hard on yourself for your completely understandable reaction to your mother. It sounds like you endured years of abuse, and that if it weren’t for your father, perhaps you’d make the choice to be estranged, and you’d have good reason.

It also sounds like you are very protective of your father, at your own (and your children’s) expense; I imagine this runs deep and began in childhood. I do wonder what his role was when you were growing up at the mercy of your mother’s abuse. It pained you to see your four year old hurt by your mom. Where was your dad when it was happening to you, day after day?

What I’m trying to say is that you have the right to set boundaries around your dad’s visits - that he must come without her. It’s not cruel to your dad to protect yourself and your family. It seems that you don’t feel like your dad is as strong as you were, that he cannot endure her abuse the way that you did.

Is there any flexibility in the way you structure visits, to make them more bearable? Any changes you can make? For example, as PP said - you meet outside at a park, or at a cafe, and keep the visits very short? And then find ways to see your dad privately.

I know it’s very complicated, and it’s easy for me to tell you to set those boundaries with your dad, from the outside looking in. You love him and you don’t want him to suffer; that’s not bearable to you.

I guess that I don’t have any good advice, except to tell you not to feel an ounce of guilt for your impatience with your mother. Give yourself some grace.

Why is she not in rehab?