Reply to Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process

Forum Index » Infertility Support and Discussion

Reply to "Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As an adoptee (myself) and a mom by surrogacy and donor embryo, I wanted to second the advice to look at Adoptions Together and at open adoption. We liked AT when we were looking at adoption.

And as for open or closed, the reality is that in the age of genetic testing (like 23 and Me), adoption can't be hidden anymore. And believe me, the anger and betrayal your child will feel for you if they find out you lied and hid their adoption from you.... it will be horrible for you and cruel to them. Please do not start your journey as a parent with an act of cruelty towards your future child. I promise, they will not love you less knowing you adopted them. That's just not how it works. I strongly encourage you to see a qualified therapist to help you understand the adoption dynamic and to confront your own feelings about losing the biological connection.

Also second the advice to consider adopting from your home country, if that's an option now. Since the Hague Convention it's much harder to adopt infants internationally. It may be easier as a citizen.[/quote]

Closed adoption does not mean hidden adoption. I was adopted in the 80s and my parents chose a closed adoption but I have ALWAYS known I was adopted. [/quote]

PP again. You're right. I did conflate closed and hidden, because that's how it often happens. But you can have a closed adoption without hiding the adoption from your child. I should not have confused those concepts.

However, I am still correct that you can't have a closed adoption anymore - for all intents and purposes. For starters, organizations like Bastard Nation have been advocating for open records in many states. And they're winning. These archaic laws are changing and adoption files are opening. Even if the laws in the state where OP adopts allow closed records now, that might change by the time the child is an adult. I found one of my bio-parents this way, via an open records request after the laws changed.

What you can't get from the state, you can get from saliva. I found my other bio-parent via an online consumer genetic service. All I wanted to know was some health information and ancestry. I wasn't even looking for any relatives but the service linked me to other people who share my genetics and there they were. It's extremely common to find these sorts of surprises in genetic testing.

OP - if I may be direct, this is something you are going to have to face. Whether it's adoption or egg/embryo donation, no one is going to be able to provide you with a closed situation. You may find folks who want to sell you an illusion, and it may feel safer for you right now, but no one can realistically promise you a closed scenario in this day and age. You could find yourself on the receiving end of a very serious shock. Moreover some, not all, adoptees grow up to feel very strongly about their right to know their own genetic heritage. I myself don't have those feelings, but many others do. You very well could have a child who grows to resent you for standing in the way of this knowledge.

So, I really think you need to at least be prepared for the possibility of openness - in adoption or gamete donation. If that is scary for you, I would encourage you to explore it in therapy. Open adoption does not mean there are no boundaries or that you're basically co-parenting with some random stranger. If that's your concern, you may be very pleasantly surprised by the wide variety of ways that families navigate these waters. Open can mean only that you keep a file of information to give your child when/if they ever ask. Or it can mean frequent contact. That's going to be your choice. At least until your child is 18.

Good luck.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics