Anonymous
09/01/2020 07:03
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:While there are thousands and thousands of happy, near perfect adoption stories, be aware that there is a percentage of adoptions that can go terribly wrong. I know this seems like an obvious, but you really and truly need to be prepared that things could fall apart or be a difficult journey, particularly around parental rights. People are quick to say “oh just adopt” but it’s really such a complex process in so many ways.
My sister adopted a baby boy whose parents had signed away legal parental rights before he was born and adopted. When he was three months old, the father said he changed his mind and filed a lawsuit to disrupt the adoption. My nephew is now four years old, the lawsuits have been going on for almost 4 years, my sister is $230,000 in debt for attorneys fees and add to sell her house and move in with our parents, and while she will fight to the bitter end for her son, she lives in constant fear he will be taken from her. This is of course not standard but it is a possibility. My sister’s advice is to ask your agency if you can speak with prior clients who had both good and complicated experiences with adoptions, just to get a better sense of possibilities.
How can parents sign away rights before baby is born?
There is something illegal and shady in that adoption. A parent cannot dispute an adoption. I think it is only possible before the adoption is finalized.
Anonymous
09/01/2020 05:58
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
While there are thousands and thousands of happy, near perfect adoption stories, be aware that there is a percentage of adoptions that can go terribly wrong. I know this seems like an obvious, but you really and truly need to be prepared that things could fall apart or be a difficult journey, particularly around parental rights. People are quick to say “oh just adopt” but it’s really such a complex process in so many ways.
My sister adopted a baby boy whose parents had signed away legal parental rights before he was born and adopted. When he was three months old, the father said he changed his mind and filed a lawsuit to disrupt the adoption. My nephew is now four years old, the lawsuits have been going on for almost 4 years, my sister is $230,000 in debt for attorneys fees and add to sell her house and move in with our parents, and while she will fight to the bitter end for her son, she lives in constant fear he will be taken from her. This is of course not standard but it is a possibility. My sister’s advice is to ask your agency if you can speak with prior clients who had both good and complicated experiences with adoptions, just to get a better sense of possibilities.
My sister adopted a baby boy whose parents had signed away legal parental rights before he was born and adopted. When he was three months old, the father said he changed his mind and filed a lawsuit to disrupt the adoption. My nephew is now four years old, the lawsuits have been going on for almost 4 years, my sister is $230,000 in debt for attorneys fees and add to sell her house and move in with our parents, and while she will fight to the bitter end for her son, she lives in constant fear he will be taken from her. This is of course not standard but it is a possibility. My sister’s advice is to ask your agency if you can speak with prior clients who had both good and complicated experiences with adoptions, just to get a better sense of possibilities.
Anonymous
08/27/2020 14:03
Subject: Re:Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Dropping my two cents here. .
I researched adoption, met a few parents who went through the process, talked to a few agencies and decided. . . it's an utter shit-show. (So much that my husband and I are doing donor eggs, before adoption. Cost is less. Go figure. . .)
Be prepared to pay $50K or more for a healthy (non-drug exposed) child.
Be prepared to pay around 8K for a black child (yes there is a horrific disparity in cost. Draw your own conclusions.) And be prepared for birth mothers who want lots of *rights* of access to their birth child. You may find yourself a glorified pick-up-the-bill guardian instead of a true parent.
I also learned (off the record conversations of course ) that birth mothers are heavily biased against couples over the age of 40 and that adoptions to older parents are not that frequent at agencies. (Some flat out say they will not adopt to couples over a certain age.)
If you are set on adoption, go the private attorney route. Agencies will get your hopes up and make you jump through a silly amount of hoops to get approved. You'll spend thousands to wait in line. Private attorneys seem to come with less drama.
Ultimately to build your family you WILL have to be VERY resourceful
I researched adoption, met a few parents who went through the process, talked to a few agencies and decided. . . it's an utter shit-show. (So much that my husband and I are doing donor eggs, before adoption. Cost is less. Go figure. . .)
Be prepared to pay $50K or more for a healthy (non-drug exposed) child.
Be prepared to pay around 8K for a black child (yes there is a horrific disparity in cost. Draw your own conclusions.) And be prepared for birth mothers who want lots of *rights* of access to their birth child. You may find yourself a glorified pick-up-the-bill guardian instead of a true parent.
I also learned (off the record conversations of course ) that birth mothers are heavily biased against couples over the age of 40 and that adoptions to older parents are not that frequent at agencies. (Some flat out say they will not adopt to couples over a certain age.)
If you are set on adoption, go the private attorney route. Agencies will get your hopes up and make you jump through a silly amount of hoops to get approved. You'll spend thousands to wait in line. Private attorneys seem to come with less drama.
Ultimately to build your family you WILL have to be VERY resourceful
Anonymous
07/23/2020 19:00
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:Several threads on this topic. I found s local lawyer (Jennifer Fairfax in Silver Sprung- highly recommend) and used an adoption agency. I got super lucky and was able to adopt within a year as a 46 year old single woman- domestic adoption, healthy newborn. Good luck! Wishing you the best!
How much was it to adopt through Jennifer Fairfax?
Anonymous
07/23/2020 17:52
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Many bio moms are worried about having their children end up in bad situations, so they, very understandably, want to vet the future parents. If you want a totally closed adoption you are eliminating the possibility of adopting a child of such a mother. That is going to further reduce a small pool.
There are a lot of videos about adoption on youtube. I think watching a few before you meet with an agency might be helpful.
There are a lot of videos about adoption on youtube. I think watching a few before you meet with an agency might be helpful.
Anonymous
07/23/2020 17:49
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee (myself) and a mom by surrogacy and donor embryo, I wanted to second the advice to look at Adoptions Together and at open adoption. We liked AT when we were looking at adoption.
And as for open or closed, the reality is that in the age of genetic testing (like 23 and Me), adoption can't be hidden anymore. And believe me, the anger and betrayal your child will feel for you if they find out you lied and hid their adoption from you.... it will be horrible for you and cruel to them. Please do not start your journey as a parent with an act of cruelty towards your future child. I promise, they will not love you less knowing you adopted them. That's just not how it works. I strongly encourage you to see a qualified therapist to help you understand the adoption dynamic and to confront your own feelings about losing the biological connection.
Also second the advice to consider adopting from your home country, if that's an option now. Since the Hague Convention it's much harder to adopt infants internationally. It may be easier as a citizen.
Closed adoption does not mean hidden adoption. I was adopted in the 80s and my parents chose a closed adoption but I have ALWAYS known I was adopted.
I am also an 80’s child from a closed adoption. It was common knowledge that myself and my 4 siblings were adopted. My oldest brother died from Leukemia at 19. My parents had an attorney track down his biological mother who flat out said, I don’t care and I don’t want to know anything else. Not everyone cares/wants to meet their biological family and not all biological families want to know about the child they gave away. Those feelings are as valid as someone advocating for open adoption.
Anonymous
07/23/2020 17:43
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Several threads on this topic. I found s local lawyer (Jennifer Fairfax in Silver Sprung- highly recommend) and used an adoption agency. I got super lucky and was able to adopt within a year as a 46 year old single woman- domestic adoption, healthy newborn. Good luck! Wishing you the best!
Anonymous
07/23/2020 17:31
Subject: Re:Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thanks for replying.. I thought no one cared as we are moving forward with adoption. We tried ivf 7 times not FET but retrieval’s all failed. Am at a point I cannot take this anymore physically or emotionally. Am drained and exhausted. Tried SG, CCRM nova and ccrm Colorado school craft.: no one could fix me... guess my case is that complicated and hopeless.
We have an idea. We are open to both domestic and international. But have to wait for 2 more years to get us citizenship to go international. We want the kid in our race. It should be a closed adoption. We don’t care abt the gender but would love to have a girl child. Since we are Asian, we need the kid to atleast look somewhat like us.. I don’t want people in Walmart and other places when we go shopping wonder if we kidnapped the kid...and call the cop... no kidding that was written by someone in an adoption blog.
If you have any agency recommendations please do let me know. I live in the NovA area.
I have literally never been accused of kidnapping my child of a different race......
New poster here. It definitely happens.
A while ago (maybe 6 months?) here on DCUM someone posted that they were at an airport and saw two Asian men with a white baby, and regretted that they didn't report it to authorities.
Anonymous
07/23/2020 11:42
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Best of luck to you, OP. Infertility is a hard, unfair road and I wish you the best.
Anonymous
07/23/2020 00:20
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee (myself) and a mom by surrogacy and donor embryo, I wanted to second the advice to look at Adoptions Together and at open adoption. We liked AT when we were looking at adoption.
And as for open or closed, the reality is that in the age of genetic testing (like 23 and Me), adoption can't be hidden anymore. And believe me, the anger and betrayal your child will feel for you if they find out you lied and hid their adoption from you.... it will be horrible for you and cruel to them. Please do not start your journey as a parent with an act of cruelty towards your future child. I promise, they will not love you less knowing you adopted them. That's just not how it works. I strongly encourage you to see a qualified therapist to help you understand the adoption dynamic and to confront your own feelings about losing the biological connection.
Also second the advice to consider adopting from your home country, if that's an option now. Since the Hague Convention it's much harder to adopt infants internationally. It may be easier as a citizen.
Closed adoption does not mean hidden adoption. I was adopted in the 80s and my parents chose a closed adoption but I have ALWAYS known I was adopted.
PP again. You're right. I did conflate closed and hidden, because that's how it often happens. But you can have a closed adoption without hiding the adoption from your child. I should not have confused those concepts.
However, I am still correct that you can't have a closed adoption anymore - for all intents and purposes. For starters, organizations like Bastard Nation have been advocating for open records in many states. And they're winning. These archaic laws are changing and adoption files are opening. Even if the laws in the state where OP adopts allow closed records now, that might change by the time the child is an adult. I found one of my bio-parents this way, via an open records request after the laws changed.
What you can't get from the state, you can get from saliva. I found my other bio-parent via an online consumer genetic service. All I wanted to know was some health information and ancestry. I wasn't even looking for any relatives but the service linked me to other people who share my genetics and there they were. It's extremely common to find these sorts of surprises in genetic testing.
OP - if I may be direct, this is something you are going to have to face. Whether it's adoption or egg/embryo donation, no one is going to be able to provide you with a closed situation. You may find folks who want to sell you an illusion, and it may feel safer for you right now, but no one can realistically promise you a closed scenario in this day and age. You could find yourself on the receiving end of a very serious shock. Moreover some, not all, adoptees grow up to feel very strongly about their right to know their own genetic heritage. I myself don't have those feelings, but many others do. You very well could have a child who grows to resent you for standing in the way of this knowledge.
So, I really think you need to at least be prepared for the possibility of openness - in adoption or gamete donation. If that is scary for you, I would encourage you to explore it in therapy. Open adoption does not mean there are no boundaries or that you're basically co-parenting with some random stranger. If that's your concern, you may be very pleasantly surprised by the wide variety of ways that families navigate these waters. Open can mean only that you keep a file of information to give your child when/if they ever ask. Or it can mean frequent contact. That's going to be your choice. At least until your child is 18.
Good luck.
In our case, the birth parents chose the closed adoption, not us.
Just another info point.
Anonymous
07/23/2020 00:16
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee (myself) and a mom by surrogacy and donor embryo, I wanted to second the advice to look at Adoptions Together and at open adoption. We liked AT when we were looking at adoption.
And as for open or closed, the reality is that in the age of genetic testing (like 23 and Me), adoption can't be hidden anymore. And believe me, the anger and betrayal your child will feel for you if they find out you lied and hid their adoption from you.... it will be horrible for you and cruel to them. Please do not start your journey as a parent with an act of cruelty towards your future child. I promise, they will not love you less knowing you adopted them. That's just not how it works. I strongly encourage you to see a qualified therapist to help you understand the adoption dynamic and to confront your own feelings about losing the biological connection.
Also second the advice to consider adopting from your home country, if that's an option now. Since the Hague Convention it's much harder to adopt infants internationally. It may be easier as a citizen.
Closed adoption does not mean hidden adoption. I was adopted in the 80s and my parents chose a closed adoption but I have ALWAYS known I was adopted.
PP again. You're right. I did conflate closed and hidden, because that's how it often happens. But you can have a closed adoption without hiding the adoption from your child. I should not have confused those concepts.
However, I am still correct that you can't have a closed adoption anymore - for all intents and purposes. For starters, organizations like Bastard Nation have been advocating for open records in many states. And they're winning. These archaic laws are changing and adoption files are opening. Even if the laws in the state where OP adopts allow closed records now, that might change by the time the child is an adult. I found one of my bio-parents this way, via an open records request after the laws changed.
What you can't get from the state, you can get from saliva. I found my other bio-parent via an online consumer genetic service. All I wanted to know was some health information and ancestry. I wasn't even looking for any relatives but the service linked me to other people who share my genetics and there they were. It's extremely common to find these sorts of surprises in genetic testing.
OP - if I may be direct, this is something you are going to have to face. Whether it's adoption or egg/embryo donation, no one is going to be able to provide you with a closed situation. You may find folks who want to sell you an illusion, and it may feel safer for you right now, but no one can realistically promise you a closed scenario in this day and age. You could find yourself on the receiving end of a very serious shock. Moreover some, not all, adoptees grow up to feel very strongly about their right to know their own genetic heritage. I myself don't have those feelings, but many others do. You very well could have a child who grows to resent you for standing in the way of this knowledge.
So, I really think you need to at least be prepared for the possibility of openness - in adoption or gamete donation. If that is scary for you, I would encourage you to explore it in therapy. Open adoption does not mean there are no boundaries or that you're basically co-parenting with some random stranger. If that's your concern, you may be very pleasantly surprised by the wide variety of ways that families navigate these waters. Open can mean only that you keep a file of information to give your child when/if they ever ask. Or it can mean frequent contact. That's going to be your choice. At least until your child is 18.
Good luck.
Anonymous
07/22/2020 20:45
Subject: Re:Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
I would definitely look into donor egg if it is an egg issue. If it is a sperm issue, donor sperm. Issues on both sides donor embryo. Uterus issues a surrogate with donor egg/sperm/or embryo as needed. You can use asian donors. Likely easier to get asian egg/sperm/embryo than a domestic adoption of a healthy asian infant. If you carry the baby you have control over the gestational environment. You can stipulate guidelines in a surrogate contract. Perhaps consider these possibilities alongside investigating adoption and see what would be the best for your family. Hoping the best for you and that your dreams of becoming a parent come true.
Anonymous
07/22/2020 19:23
Subject: Re:Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Thank you guys for all the wonderful suggestions. You have given me good agency recommendations. Guess they will walk me through the whole process. I will def look at international adoption. Thank you for those who didnot judge me on closed adoption. I just want to do what is best for my family and my future child. As a ivf failure I know I will love that kid with all my heart and soul. Folks who have done open adoption kudos to you for your open heart. May be I will also look at donar egg as an alternative for closed adoption. Thank you so much guys for all the agency recommendations. Feel more comfortable talking to an agency someone has referred than going off of internet.
Anonymous
07/22/2020 12:46
Subject: Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:As an adoptee (myself) and a mom by surrogacy and donor embryo, I wanted to second the advice to look at Adoptions Together and at open adoption. We liked AT when we were looking at adoption.
And as for open or closed, the reality is that in the age of genetic testing (like 23 and Me), adoption can't be hidden anymore. And believe me, the anger and betrayal your child will feel for you if they find out you lied and hid their adoption from you.... it will be horrible for you and cruel to them. Please do not start your journey as a parent with an act of cruelty towards your future child. I promise, they will not love you less knowing you adopted them. That's just not how it works. I strongly encourage you to see a qualified therapist to help you understand the adoption dynamic and to confront your own feelings about losing the biological connection.
Also second the advice to consider adopting from your home country, if that's an option now. Since the Hague Convention it's much harder to adopt infants internationally. It may be easier as a citizen.
Closed adoption does not mean hidden adoption. I was adopted in the 80s and my parents chose a closed adoption but I have ALWAYS known I was adopted.
Anonymous
07/22/2020 12:45
Subject: Re:Anyone has gone through adoption who is willing to give us initial idea about the process
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Thanks for replying.. I thought no one cared as we are moving forward with adoption. We tried ivf 7 times not FET but retrieval’s all failed. Am at a point I cannot take this anymore physically or emotionally. Am drained and exhausted. Tried SG, CCRM nova and ccrm Colorado school craft.: no one could fix me... guess my case is that complicated and hopeless.
We have an idea. We are open to both domestic and international. But have to wait for 2 more years to get us citizenship to go international. We want the kid in our race. It should be a closed adoption. We don’t care abt the gender but would love to have a girl child. Since we are Asian, we need the kid to atleast look somewhat like us.. I don’t want people in Walmart and other places when we go shopping wonder if we kidnapped the kid...and call the cop... no kidding that was written by someone in an adoption blog.
If you have any agency recommendations please do let me know. I live in the NovA area.
I have literally never been accused of kidnapping my child of a different race......
Are you white?
yes I am white and DD is AA
Hopefully you can envision that a minority with a white child might be viewed differently to some. As you are raising an AA child, I certainly hope you can understand OP's concern, which is not a likely outcome, but certainly a possibility.
OP, if I were you, in addition to the advice above about getting started, I think you should do some research into what open adoption means (it can be as simple as letter/pictures every year) and how it could benefit your child. I confess that I didn't realize how many questions my kids would have about their bio parents. I'm thankful that I have pictures of one with his birthmom and I wish I had that for the other. I was so excited about becoming a mom that I didn't give enough thought to the changing needs of the actual children, especially as they grow older.