Reply to If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?

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Reply to "If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've heard people say its almost as painful when your parents divorce as an adult as when it happens to a kid.  Is that really the case?  I see how it'd be logistically a PITA to have places to visit / make time for and of course if its unilateral its awful to watch a parent suffer.  But if my parents sat me down at 26 and said "We had the shared goal of raising you in a loving family and that brought us together for many happy years, but not that its just the two of us, we've realized we have different ways we want to spend the next several decades of our lives, so we're going to do that separately"...i just wouldn't see being that upset[/quote]

You seem young, OP.  It's not just about places to visit!  It's about caring for them when they're too old to do it themselves, and how hard it is, especially if they live far apart from each other, and especially if they have less money, which is often a consequence of divorce.  They're both going to have less support than they anticipated and they aren't going to like it.  And it's about having to deal with new partners, who might really suck, and possibly being pressured to care for their new partners as well.  Maybe a new partner will help with your parent, but maybe they won't-- there's really no guarantee that a new partner would be a net benefit or a net loss.  You might end up with four aging adults to deal with and they may not have children of their own.  [/quote]

Your response seems to be young, too.  What makes you think that the care level for in-tact couples is any different than second marriages?  Half of your response seems focused on the potential problems a new spouse/partner may bring.  Yet you've ignored the potential positives.

I know MANY people (mostly men) who benefited greatly when they remarried.  Their financial situations were fragile after divorce and many struggled on their income after paying child support.  Not to mention their daily living standard and quality was improved.

As for being "pressured" to care for a parent's new partner I'm quite sure the number of stepparents who expect this are absolutely miniscule.  It sounds like a personal concern of yours, and not one based on reality.

Last but not least, a person may not have "children of their own" and those are the people who fully understand they are responsible for their care and have made appropriate arrangements.  The ones who are NOT prepared are more often people who think their children will be caring from them.  Work in a nursing home for a little while and you will quickly learn that the majority of people in them have children, who either cannot or will not take care of them.  And most of them are women/mothers.    [/quote]

Because in an intact family the aging parents almost always live in one house in one location.  Divorce usually means two homes to maintain, two locations to go to, two retirement homes to find, two budgets to manage.  Two small single assisted living units costs a lot more than lne larger one.  That is why the care level is different.  The adult child has to divide time, attention, and money over a larger set of needs.

New marrriages might help, or they might make the situation worse.  It's hard to predict.  But it's important to be realistic.  Your choice of partner has consequenses for your whole family.  Choose well.

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