Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 13:03     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Staying married doesn't necessarily help the kids, but if it's not harmful to them, it may still be the better choice. My parents fell out of love, but stayed married in a low-conflict relationship, and now that I'm older I really appreciate it. It spared me all the hassles of joint custody and parental remarriage and stepsiblings, and it meant our family still had a little bit of financial security. I would have really hated to have to change schools or divide holidays or give up seeing one parent or the other every day. They're still together in a low-conflict way, and while it would be nicer if they were more loving to each other, I understand the reasons for their choice and it's very easy for me to live with.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 12:05     Subject: Re:If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
I think only kids who have suffered through out-of-love parents barely trying to hide their contempt for one another understand the harms that come from "staying together for the kids." As someone who had to live through parents who stayed together "for us," I can't fathom where people get the idea that it's a GOOD thing to stay in a bad relationship to "help" the kids. It was miserable to watch as a kid and a teen, more miserable to enter adulthood believing that that's the way married couples all are (because as a kid you have no model other than your parents), and a burden in adulthood when I had to work through the idea that my sibs and I "caused" them to stay miserable because they stayed together for us.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 12:00     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 25 and my brother was 29. We were THRILLED. I can remember them fighting as a little kid, but it was their complete ambivalence/undertones of animosity to each other when I was a teenager that really bothered us. They didn't fight anymore, but you could tell they would be fine if the other just ceased to exist. Vacations were strained and forced. Holidays always had an undertone to them where you just always felt something was "off".

My parents are good people. I know they tried so hard.to act like they got along and that they were happy. They tried so hard not to fight in front of us (which probably led to that undertone of animosity). I used to stress out having them meet new friends or boyfriends.

They are like different people now. The divorce was amicable and fairly easy. We are able to have whole family get togethers without that unsettling undertone. Both my parents are SO much happier.

Obviously my experience is my own and I can't speak for others. But i so wish they had divorced when I was a kid


Exactly this for me. My parents divorced while my sister and I were in college. The first few years were tough, as they basically both moved from our big childhood home to small condos that never really felt like "home" when we visited over breaks. They also resented one another for several years, cut off contact with one another (because with no childcare or support issues, they had no reason to communicate) and were constantly prying us about how the other one was doing.

BUT...after a few years, they found their footing, and were so much happier people. They even reconciled their friendship and were able to enjoy each other's company just fine at a couple of family events (weddings, graduations, etc.). It made me realize that all the fights and arguments from our childhood, and the high-tension quiet strain of parents "trying not to fight," were things that didn't have to be that way. Like you, they were good people whose relationship just didn't work out. If they had decided to try to stay together and kept up the unspoken animosity and lack of love, I don't know that I would have ever married. It was only when they divorced that it dawned on me that their unpleasant version was not the only model of a relationship out there.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 11:56     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
New marrriages might help, or they might make the situation worse. It's hard to predict. But it's important to be realistic. Your choice of partner has consequenses for your whole family. Choose well.



This is so true. My MIL is living with us because she is divorcing her second husband. They are financially stable together, but not separately. So we are looking down a long barrel of 15-20 years ahead of her needing somewhere to live, eventual care, etc., and not really having the resources or planning wherewithal to deal with it. We can't afford to be the perpetual Plan B for her, but have to be for now. We hated that they got married in the first place and it hasn't been great for a long time, so overall, we think it's a net positive that he will no longer be in the picture for lots of reasons, but his own family is going to have to step up massively to help him, and we are in over our heads trying to help her. It's not a pretty picture.


This. Even if everyone is reasonable and competent and has some money, more people just makes everything complicated and stressful. Schedules and decisions have to take account of lots more people. We are trying to move my mom and her partner to assisted living in the next few years, and choosing a place suitable for them in consensus with my siblings as well as his adult children has proven complicated. Even though everyone is trying to be nice. It is just sooo much harder dealing with these people I barely know.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 10:48     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:
New marrriages might help, or they might make the situation worse. It's hard to predict. But it's important to be realistic. Your choice of partner has consequenses for your whole family. Choose well.



This is so true. My MIL is living with us because she is divorcing her second husband. They are financially stable together, but not separately. So we are looking down a long barrel of 15-20 years ahead of her needing somewhere to live, eventual care, etc., and not really having the resources or planning wherewithal to deal with it. We can't afford to be the perpetual Plan B for her, but have to be for now. We hated that they got married in the first place and it hasn't been great for a long time, so overall, we think it's a net positive that he will no longer be in the picture for lots of reasons, but his own family is going to have to step up massively to help him, and we are in over our heads trying to help her. It's not a pretty picture.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 10:41     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've heard people say its almost as painful when your parents divorce as an adult as when it happens to a kid. Is that really the case? I see how it'd be logistically a PITA to have places to visit / make time for and of course if its unilateral its awful to watch a parent suffer. But if my parents sat me down at 26 and said "We had the shared goal of raising you in a loving family and that brought us together for many happy years, but not that its just the two of us, we've realized we have different ways we want to spend the next several decades of our lives, so we're going to do that separately"...i just wouldn't see being that upset


You seem young, OP. It's not just about places to visit! It's about caring for them when they're too old to do it themselves, and how hard it is, especially if they live far apart from each other, and especially if they have less money, which is often a consequence of divorce. They're both going to have less support than they anticipated and they aren't going to like it. And it's about having to deal with new partners, who might really suck, and possibly being pressured to care for their new partners as well. Maybe a new partner will help with your parent, but maybe they won't-- there's really no guarantee that a new partner would be a net benefit or a net loss. You might end up with four aging adults to deal with and they may not have children of their own.


Your response seems to be young, too. What makes you think that the care level for in-tact couples is any different than second marriages? Half of your response seems focused on the potential problems a new spouse/partner may bring. Yet you've ignored the potential positives.

I know MANY people (mostly men) who benefited greatly when they remarried. Their financial situations were fragile after divorce and many struggled on their income after paying child support. Not to mention their daily living standard and quality was improved.

As for being "pressured" to care for a parent's new partner I'm quite sure the number of stepparents who expect this are absolutely miniscule. It sounds like a personal concern of yours, and not one based on reality.

Last but not least, a person may not have "children of their own" and those are the people who fully understand they are responsible for their care and have made appropriate arrangements. The ones who are NOT prepared are more often people who think their children will be caring from them. Work in a nursing home for a little while and you will quickly learn that the majority of people in them have children, who either cannot or will not take care of them. And most of them are women/mothers.


Because in an intact family the aging parents almost always live in one house in one location. Divorce usually means two homes to maintain, two locations to go to, two retirement homes to find, two budgets to manage. Two small single assisted living units costs a lot more than lne larger one. That is why the care level is different. The adult child has to divide time, attention, and money over a larger set of needs.

New marrriages might help, or they might make the situation worse. It's hard to predict. But it's important to be realistic. Your choice of partner has consequenses for your whole family. Choose well.

Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 08:06     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've heard people say its almost as painful when your parents divorce as an adult as when it happens to a kid. Is that really the case? I see how it'd be logistically a PITA to have places to visit / make time for and of course if its unilateral its awful to watch a parent suffer. But if my parents sat me down at 26 and said "We had the shared goal of raising you in a loving family and that brought us together for many happy years, but not that its just the two of us, we've realized we have different ways we want to spend the next several decades of our lives, so we're going to do that separately"...i just wouldn't see being that upset


You seem young, OP. It's not just about places to visit! It's about caring for them when they're too old to do it themselves, and how hard it is, especially if they live far apart from each other, and especially if they have less money, which is often a consequence of divorce. They're both going to have less support than they anticipated and they aren't going to like it. And it's about having to deal with new partners, who might really suck, and possibly being pressured to care for their new partners as well. Maybe a new partner will help with your parent, but maybe they won't-- there's really no guarantee that a new partner would be a net benefit or a net loss. You might end up with four aging adults to deal with and they may not have children of their own.


Your response seems to be young, too. What makes you think that the care level for in-tact couples is any different than second marriages? Half of your response seems focused on the potential problems a new spouse/partner may bring. Yet you've ignored the potential positives.

I know MANY people (mostly men) who benefited greatly when they remarried. Their financial situations were fragile after divorce and many struggled on their income after paying child support. Not to mention their daily living standard and quality was improved.

As for being "pressured" to care for a parent's new partner I'm quite sure the number of stepparents who expect this are absolutely miniscule. It sounds like a personal concern of yours, and not one based on reality.

Last but not least, a person may not have "children of their own" and those are the people who fully understand they are responsible for their care and have made appropriate arrangements. The ones who are NOT prepared are more often people who think their children will be caring from them. Work in a nursing home for a little while and you will quickly learn that the majority of people in them have children, who either cannot or will not take care of them. And most of them are women/mothers.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2020 07:34     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
“ Why was it a lie if she could tell and they fought a lot? It doesn't sound like they were pretending to be happy.

I think it's worth it to try to save the marriage, even if it means riding out some tough years. It's okay if kids know your marriage isn't perfect but you're working on it. Yes, it's difficult for the kids, but if you can get to a better place it will really pay off, for the kids. So it seems worth some struggle.”

+1

OP, if you are asking since you are weighing whether to divorce now vs later when the kids are grown I vote B. But I am firmly in the camp of divorce being a pretty harmful thing for young kids (under 18) to endure unless the reason for the divorce is even worse such as abuse.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2020 21:16     Subject: Re:If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:It was really tough for my best friend. Her parents waited until their youngest graduated from high school. She was the oldest. She was 25 when they finally divorced. I remember her saying when she was 11 that she knew her parents would divorce. I witnessed some terrible fights in their home. When they finally did divorce, she said she felt like her entire life was a lie. She wishes they had divorced when she was little. It really fuked her up for a while. She is 52 now and has been married for 20 years. Three amazing kids. She is still in therapy and she will not have any contact with her her father at all. He has never met her children.


Why was it a lie if she could tell and they fought a lot? It doesn't sound like they were pretending to be happy.

I think it's worth it to try to save the marriage, even if it means riding out some tough years. It's okay if kids know your marriage isn't perfect but you're working on it. Yes, it's difficult for the kids, but if you can get to a better place it will really pay off, for the kids. So it seems worth some struggle.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2020 20:51     Subject: Re:If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
It was really tough for my best friend. Her parents waited until their youngest graduated from high school. She was the oldest. She was 25 when they finally divorced. I remember her saying when she was 11 that she knew her parents would divorce. I witnessed some terrible fights in their home. When they finally did divorce, she said she felt like her entire life was a lie. She wishes they had divorced when she was little. It really fuked her up for a while. She is 52 now and has been married for 20 years. Three amazing kids. She is still in therapy and she will not have any contact with her her father at all. He has never met her children.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2020 20:45     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
My parents divorced when I was 25, and now 20 years later, I still cannot overstate how disastrous it was and for reasons some prior posters mentioned, how complicated it remains.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2020 20:41     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
My parents divorced when I was 25 and my brother was 29. We were THRILLED. I can remember them fighting as a little kid, but it was their complete ambivalence/undertones of animosity to each other when I was a teenager that really bothered us. They didn't fight anymore, but you could tell they would be fine if the other just ceased to exist. Vacations were strained and forced. Holidays always had an undertone to them where you just always felt something was "off".

My parents are good people. I know they tried so hard.to act like they got along and that they were happy. They tried so hard not to fight in front of us (which probably led to that undertone of animosity). I used to stress out having them meet new friends or boyfriends.

They are like different people now. The divorce was amicable and fairly easy. We are able to have whole family get togethers without that unsettling undertone. Both my parents are SO much happier.

Obviously my experience is my own and I can't speak for others. But i so wish they had divorced when I was a kid
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2020 20:40     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be ok with it at all. I would be done with both of them.


That seems extreme.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2020 20:39     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
Anonymous wrote:I've heard people say its almost as painful when your parents divorce as an adult as when it happens to a kid. Is that really the case? I see how it'd be logistically a PITA to have places to visit / make time for and of course if its unilateral its awful to watch a parent suffer. But if my parents sat me down at 26 and said "We had the shared goal of raising you in a loving family and that brought us together for many happy years, but not that its just the two of us, we've realized we have different ways we want to spend the next several decades of our lives, so we're going to do that separately"...i just wouldn't see being that upset


You seem young, OP. It's not just about places to visit! It's about caring for them when they're too old to do it themselves, and how hard it is, especially if they live far apart from each other, and especially if they have less money, which is often a consequence of divorce. They're both going to have less support than they anticipated and they aren't going to like it. And it's about having to deal with new partners, who might really suck, and possibly being pressured to care for their new partners as well. Maybe a new partner will help with your parent, but maybe they won't-- there's really no guarantee that a new partner would be a net benefit or a net loss. You might end up with four aging adults to deal with and they may not have children of their own.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2020 20:33     Subject: If your parents divorced when you were an adult, was it traumatizing? and if so why?
My father and stepmother divorced when I was an adult. I stayed out of it, and it was no big deal to me.

My dad sent me a package in the mail saying the divorce was final, here were the new keys to his house, here was the new alarm code, and I was the backup person on all his bank docs.