Reply to What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Intentionally made up a lie, so that two of her friends would fight with each other, and hurting one of the girls feelings. [/quote]

wow, that's a hard one.  I'm not sure I'd actually give a punishment here. The goal is to communicate your disappointment and have her understand the seriousness of her behavior, and also to open up channels of communication so you can figure out what led her to do such a thing.  Also to make reparations through an apology, and possibly a separate good deed (like picking up trash, volunteering at a soup kitchen). this was really a moral failure on her part, and I'm not sure punitive measures will do what you want (teach her to do better). If you HAVE to do a punishment, make it milder than you might think, like taking the phone away for a day, along with the other measures. [/quote]

I like this answer. [/quote]

+1 disappointment from parents with attempts to understand and figure out the root cause often goes a lot further to teaching here, maybe with a consequence of some things she really enjoys being removed but the first part is the most important. I would also try to show your child that you want to understand what was happening for her that led to this - what made her make that choice? was she feeling left out, hurt, scared of losing a friendship, or just testing what would happen? None of these things make it ok and of course you have to make that clear, but getting to the root of what led to the behavior is going to lead to a lot more learning and that's what we're really going for at the age of 12. Then you can help her come up with other solutions when she feels that way again. Help her process why it is so upsetting to you, what it must have felt like to the other girls, all of the different pieces of that. Show her that you know she is a person who cares for others and is kind, this one mistake doesn't take that away. She needs to know you believe in her and also hold her very much accountable.

Also don't feel like you have to come up with something immediately as a consequence. When I had a similar moral failing in 7th grade, the most impactful part was the long conversation with my parents where I could see they were horrified, embarrassed, disappointed, all of the things. Man that hurt. They told me during that conversation that they would need some time to think of an appropriate consequence. They came to me later and took away an event that I was really, really looking forward to. But they did it in a kind way, not even punitive. More like - look, you made a really bad choice, that happens and we know it is not who you are deep down. But there are also consequences to our bad choices sometimes and this is something you really want and it's just not going to be something we can let you do when recently you've been showing us you aren't ready to make those more responsible choices. On the day of the event they were kind, not mocking, we did a family event instead as they knew it would be hard for me. The consequence was clear and I felt it - but the relationship with my parents remained intact which was really important for the future teen years.[/quote]

And I second everything that this is really normal at 12 - kids do stupid stupid things at these ages. Peer pressure is strong. The incident I mentioned that I did in 7th grade is truly not a reflection of the adult I've become, in the least. It should be taken seriously since it hurt others, but punishment isn't really the focus. I also think if this all transpired online - she will have the natural consequences yes of difficulty with friends, but since she really intentionally hurt someone else - I think you could institute a logical consequence of limited access to those modes of communciation for awhile. The reason being she has shown that right now she isn't ready to handle that responsibility. Then you work together to regain responsibility - not just handing the phone back, but maybe overseeing more, learning together about safe online communication etc. Use this as a learning opportunity over the next six months.[/quote]

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