Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 12:32     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
There is a book called “tangled: guiding teenage girls through the seven transitions into adulthood” or something like that and it is SO good. It has helped me understand my daughter so much more and I feel more confident for the mess I have ahead of me.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 11:47     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine are a lot younger, so no tv for a whole day was a big one, and the threat of a repeat is enough to keep them in line. I imagine you need something bigger in your arsenal at this point.


Yep. Threat of taking away TV after dinner has a massive deterrent effect on my kid too!


I guess I need to start letting my kids watch more TV because they wouldn't even blink if I said there would be no TV for a day. Or a week.


Ha, you're actually not that far off. This was actually part of a therapist-designed behavioral plan, which required us to institute nightly screen time for the express purpose of being able to take it away!
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 11:46     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Intentionally made up a lie, so that two of her friends would fight with each other, and hurting one of the girls feelings.


wow, that's a hard one. I'm not sure I'd actually give a punishment here. The goal is to communicate your disappointment and have her understand the seriousness of her behavior, and also to open up channels of communication so you can figure out what led her to do such a thing. Also to make reparations through an apology, and possibly a separate good deed (like picking up trash, volunteering at a soup kitchen). this was really a moral failure on her part, and I'm not sure punitive measures will do what you want (teach her to do better). If you HAVE to do a punishment, make it milder than you might think, like taking the phone away for a day, along with the other measures.


I like this answer.


+1 disappointment from parents with attempts to understand and figure out the root cause often goes a lot further to teaching here, maybe with a consequence of some things she really enjoys being removed but the first part is the most important. I would also try to show your child that you want to understand what was happening for her that led to this - what made her make that choice? was she feeling left out, hurt, scared of losing a friendship, or just testing what would happen? None of these things make it ok and of course you have to make that clear, but getting to the root of what led to the behavior is going to lead to a lot more learning and that's what we're really going for at the age of 12. Then you can help her come up with other solutions when she feels that way again. Help her process why it is so upsetting to you, what it must have felt like to the other girls, all of the different pieces of that. Show her that you know she is a person who cares for others and is kind, this one mistake doesn't take that away. She needs to know you believe in her and also hold her very much accountable.

Also don't feel like you have to come up with something immediately as a consequence. When I had a similar moral failing in 7th grade, the most impactful part was the long conversation with my parents where I could see they were horrified, embarrassed, disappointed, all of the things. Man that hurt. They told me during that conversation that they would need some time to think of an appropriate consequence. They came to me later and took away an event that I was really, really looking forward to. But they did it in a kind way, not even punitive. More like - look, you made a really bad choice, that happens and we know it is not who you are deep down. But there are also consequences to our bad choices sometimes and this is something you really want and it's just not going to be something we can let you do when recently you've been showing us you aren't ready to make those more responsible choices. On the day of the event they were kind, not mocking, we did a family event instead as they knew it would be hard for me. The consequence was clear and I felt it - but the relationship with my parents remained intact which was really important for the future teen years.


I'm the PP who posted on not giving a punishment. Your story from 7th grade EXACTLY what I mean, and what I wish I had gotten as a kid. My parents instead vacillated between harsh punishments and ignoring/neglecting any issues. I vividly remember in 7th grade getting caught sneaking out of my best friend's house at night. I got in huge trouble (yelled at, lectured harshly, grounded). My friend had parents more like yours. She got no punishment at all; they just talked to her and told her they were very disappointed, and she was so remorseful that she had disappointed them. I remember just having a lightbulb moment realizing what having parents that actually operate out of love and family ties must be like. To tell the truth, I'm not sure that either approach quashed our shenanigans (which continued), but guess which one of us has close ties to her parents today, and which one does not?
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 11:34     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine are a lot younger, so no tv for a whole day was a big one, and the threat of a repeat is enough to keep them in line. I imagine you need something bigger in your arsenal at this point.


Yep. Threat of taking away TV after dinner has a massive deterrent effect on my kid too!


I guess I need to start letting my kids watch more TV because they wouldn't even blink if I said there would be no TV for a day. Or a week.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 10:06     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
^ edit

It could make it difficult for her to trust me.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 10:05     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
i am 36 years old and i still remember when my mother told me she was so disappointed in me and that lying could make it difficult for me to trust her.

i lied about losing my bus pass but in reality i lent it to another girl who lost it (in NYC you aren't supposed to share your bus pass). i was in the 7th grade.

her words were the worst punishment ever and i can't remember ever lying to my mother again.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:09     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Intentionally made up a lie, so that two of her friends would fight with each other, and hurting one of the girls feelings.


wow, that's a hard one. I'm not sure I'd actually give a punishment here. The goal is to communicate your disappointment and have her understand the seriousness of her behavior, and also to open up channels of communication so you can figure out what led her to do such a thing. Also to make reparations through an apology, and possibly a separate good deed (like picking up trash, volunteering at a soup kitchen). this was really a moral failure on her part, and I'm not sure punitive measures will do what you want (teach her to do better). If you HAVE to do a punishment, make it milder than you might think, like taking the phone away for a day, along with the other measures.


I like this answer.


+1 disappointment from parents with attempts to understand and figure out the root cause often goes a lot further to teaching here, maybe with a consequence of some things she really enjoys being removed but the first part is the most important. I would also try to show your child that you want to understand what was happening for her that led to this - what made her make that choice? was she feeling left out, hurt, scared of losing a friendship, or just testing what would happen? None of these things make it ok and of course you have to make that clear, but getting to the root of what led to the behavior is going to lead to a lot more learning and that's what we're really going for at the age of 12. Then you can help her come up with other solutions when she feels that way again. Help her process why it is so upsetting to you, what it must have felt like to the other girls, all of the different pieces of that. Show her that you know she is a person who cares for others and is kind, this one mistake doesn't take that away. She needs to know you believe in her and also hold her very much accountable.

Also don't feel like you have to come up with something immediately as a consequence. When I had a similar moral failing in 7th grade, the most impactful part was the long conversation with my parents where I could see they were horrified, embarrassed, disappointed, all of the things. Man that hurt. They told me during that conversation that they would need some time to think of an appropriate consequence. They came to me later and took away an event that I was really, really looking forward to. But they did it in a kind way, not even punitive. More like - look, you made a really bad choice, that happens and we know it is not who you are deep down. But there are also consequences to our bad choices sometimes and this is something you really want and it's just not going to be something we can let you do when recently you've been showing us you aren't ready to make those more responsible choices. On the day of the event they were kind, not mocking, we did a family event instead as they knew it would be hard for me. The consequence was clear and I felt it - but the relationship with my parents remained intact which was really important for the future teen years.


And I second everything that this is really normal at 12 - kids do stupid stupid things at these ages. Peer pressure is strong. The incident I mentioned that I did in 7th grade is truly not a reflection of the adult I've become, in the least. It should be taken seriously since it hurt others, but punishment isn't really the focus. I also think if this all transpired online - she will have the natural consequences yes of difficulty with friends, but since she really intentionally hurt someone else - I think you could institute a logical consequence of limited access to those modes of communciation for awhile. The reason being she has shown that right now she isn't ready to handle that responsibility. Then you work together to regain responsibility - not just handing the phone back, but maybe overseeing more, learning together about safe online communication etc. Use this as a learning opportunity over the next six months.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 09:05     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Intentionally made up a lie, so that two of her friends would fight with each other, and hurting one of the girls feelings.


wow, that's a hard one. I'm not sure I'd actually give a punishment here. The goal is to communicate your disappointment and have her understand the seriousness of her behavior, and also to open up channels of communication so you can figure out what led her to do such a thing. Also to make reparations through an apology, and possibly a separate good deed (like picking up trash, volunteering at a soup kitchen). this was really a moral failure on her part, and I'm not sure punitive measures will do what you want (teach her to do better). If you HAVE to do a punishment, make it milder than you might think, like taking the phone away for a day, along with the other measures.


I like this answer.


+1 disappointment from parents with attempts to understand and figure out the root cause often goes a lot further to teaching here, maybe with a consequence of some things she really enjoys being removed but the first part is the most important. I would also try to show your child that you want to understand what was happening for her that led to this - what made her make that choice? was she feeling left out, hurt, scared of losing a friendship, or just testing what would happen? None of these things make it ok and of course you have to make that clear, but getting to the root of what led to the behavior is going to lead to a lot more learning and that's what we're really going for at the age of 12. Then you can help her come up with other solutions when she feels that way again. Help her process why it is so upsetting to you, what it must have felt like to the other girls, all of the different pieces of that. Show her that you know she is a person who cares for others and is kind, this one mistake doesn't take that away. She needs to know you believe in her and also hold her very much accountable.

Also don't feel like you have to come up with something immediately as a consequence. When I had a similar moral failing in 7th grade, the most impactful part was the long conversation with my parents where I could see they were horrified, embarrassed, disappointed, all of the things. Man that hurt. They told me during that conversation that they would need some time to think of an appropriate consequence. They came to me later and took away an event that I was really, really looking forward to. But they did it in a kind way, not even punitive. More like - look, you made a really bad choice, that happens and we know it is not who you are deep down. But there are also consequences to our bad choices sometimes and this is something you really want and it's just not going to be something we can let you do when recently you've been showing us you aren't ready to make those more responsible choices. On the day of the event they were kind, not mocking, we did a family event instead as they knew it would be hard for me. The consequence was clear and I felt it - but the relationship with my parents remained intact which was really important for the future teen years.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 00:28     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
I have given my kids spankings maybe 2-3 times when they were younger, for deliberately doing something I forbade them to. They were punished for disobedience.
I am mostly a soft touch with them and put them first 24/7 so this was not me being irate or being short with them because I was tired or in a bad mood or did not want to look after them or spend time with them. It was just my kids trying to test the boundaries by thinking what would happen if they disrespected and disobeyed me. They found out. My kids have been on the straight and narrow since.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2020 00:19     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
I agree this isn’t about punishment but helping her reflect. She probably feels guilty and ashamed. The real question is why she did it. If it’s insecurity or jealousy, maybe she needs better tools to deal with it. I also don’t think extensive reparations and performance apologies help anyone in this situation. This is more about, can she change and work on herself and be a better friend. Maybe look at therapy options.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 22:38     Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Anonymous wrote:Generally speaking, I'm in favor of stepping out of something like this. Her punishment will be because her friends will get pissed. This isn't about something she did to you.


+1

And talk witj her about the harm she’s done and the consequences (trust, hurt feelings, etc). Be understanding. She’s 12. Kids do stupid things like this. Empathy and understanding would likely go farther with this type of issue than punishment.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 22:17     Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Generally speaking, I'm in favor of stepping out of something like this. Her punishment will be because her friends will get pissed. This isn't about something she did to you.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 22:16     Subject: Re:What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
OP how did you find out what happened?
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 22:10     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
OP, I’d be really disappointed too. I’d tell her that calmly, tell her you need time to think about it but at the very least limit her ability to communicate electronically with any friends. Ultimately I’d want to know why she wanted to hurt another persons feelings particularly people who are supposed to be her friend. Ultimately these girls will likely inflict punishment far worse then you could imagine. After discussing these things to your satisfaction I’d probably restrict phone/electronics and skip a weekend or two of friend related activities with added chores to fill the time.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2020 21:32     Subject: What is the most severe punishment you have ever given your child?
Banned him from Minecraft. (he was about to turn 12)