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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No, the husbands approach does not work. That's how you raise kids who get overwhelmed and cheat when they get older because they haven't learned to do the work (budgeting time, msking plans, editing) when they were younger. It is also how to raise kids who don't participate in the running of a house.[/quote]

You can declare that to be so, but I think you're wrong. I mean, I guess it depends how extreme the situation is. If the kids are literally doing nothing, then yeah, they're screwed. But, even if they do a little of it on their own, do a little of it with Dad, and he does the rest, I think they're probably going to be ok when necessity forces them into it. I'm skeptical of "tough love"/"spare the rod, spoil the child" approaches to parenting. [/quote]

There’s a big gray area between “tough love/spare the rod” and doing your kid’s homework and tying their shoes for them. A middle ground it sounds like the Op is aiming for and her dh is undermining. I would go to a parenting coach or a child therapist, just the two of you, to talk this out with them. It’s clear he has no clue.[/quote]
OP here - just to be clear - I would never hit my kids.  DH isn't interested in coaching or therapy.  He doesn't see the big deal in 'helping.'[/quote]

The issue is not whether his way is wrong.  (Or at least I don’t think it’s helpful for you to frame it that way to him).  The issue is that you and he do not have the same approach, and he is insisting on his approach rather than work with you to find an approach you can both get behind.  My DH and I have a somewhat similar difference in parenting instincts.  I agree they need to learn to do things on their own, but I also think (and have explained to my DH) that sometimes doing something for someone else that they could do themselves but don’t want to is a way of demonstrating care and love.  So it’s a balance.  I think it’s more important to make them do the things they are still learning to do, and if it’s something that you absolutely know they can do themselves but they are asking for help, sometimes that’s just a nice way of “taking care of a family member” and making them feel extra loved.  And sometimes it’s, no, I’m cooking dinner here (or whatever), do it yourself.

Maybe you can get your DH to see it’s not about admitting that his way is wrong, it’s about balancing your two approaches and working together to find a way that works for both of you.  Why isn’t he willing to team up and work together with you because you think it’s a problem?[/quote]

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