Maybe you could get him to agree to the rule that he is only allowed to help the kids if they ask him to directly. As in, "Dad can you help me cut my meat." Helping them before they ask is not helping - it's smothering.

Anonymous wrote:Send a note to the teacher and have her ask you son who did the collage. Have her assign a zero for not doing it himself.

Don’t put the teacher in the middle of your dysfunction. That’s what a therapist is for.

On the one hand, it is nice that your husband is nurturing and being supportive of your kids. I'd be careful with the nagging if I were you because it seems likely that he will throw up his hands and do nothing if you keep nagging him.

It sounds like both of you need to choose your battles a bit: you need to get less upset about things like tying shoes in order to get out the door faster and your husband needs to be more firm about stuff like "I am not going to do your homework for you. I am happy to HELP you, but I am not going to do the entire project while you do other things."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the husbands approach does not work. That's how you raise kids who get overwhelmed and cheat when they get older because they haven't learned to do the work (budgeting time, msking plans, editing) when they were younger. It is also how to raise kids who don't participate in the running of a house.

You can declare that to be so, but I think you're wrong. I mean, I guess it depends how extreme the situation is. If the kids are literally doing nothing, then yeah, they're screwed. But, even if they do a little of it on their own, do a little of it with Dad, and he does the rest, I think they're probably going to be ok when necessity forces them into it. I'm skeptical of "tough love"/"spare the rod, spoil the child" approaches to parenting.

There’s a big gray area between “tough love/spare the rod” and doing your kid’s homework and tying their shoes for them. A middle ground it sounds like the Op is aiming for and her dh is undermining. I would go to a parenting coach or a child therapist, just the two of you, to talk this out with them. It’s clear he has no clue.

OP here - just to be clear - I would never hit my kids. DH isn't interested in coaching or therapy. He doesn't see the big deal in 'helping.'

The issue is not whether his way is wrong. (Or at least I don’t think it’s helpful for you to frame it that way to him). The issue is that you and he do not have the same approach, and he is insisting on his approach rather than work with you to find an approach you can both get behind. My DH and I have a somewhat similar difference in parenting instincts. I agree they need to learn to do things on their own, but I also think (and have explained to my DH) that sometimes doing something for someone else that they could do themselves but don’t want to is a way of demonstrating care and love. So it’s a balance. I think it’s more important to make them do the things they are still learning to do, and if it’s something that you absolutely know they can do themselves but they are asking for help, sometimes that’s just a nice way of “taking care of a family member” and making them feel extra loved. And sometimes it’s, no, I’m cooking dinner here (or whatever), do it yourself.

Maybe you can get your DH to see it’s not about admitting that his way is wrong, it’s about balancing your two approaches and working together to find a way that works for both of you. Why isn’t he willing to team up and work together with you because you think it’s a problem?

Good luck OP! Your DH probably thinks he's being a good parent and just doesn't get why it's a big deal. If not therapy, would he be willing to go to parenting class or expert? Or even read a book?

OP, your husband's behavior would bother me greatly. You need a third-party assistance to help with this. What does DH say when you ask to go to therapy or a coach?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the husbands approach does not work. That's how you raise kids who get overwhelmed and cheat when they get older because they haven't learned to do the work (budgeting time, msking plans, editing) when they were younger. It is also how to raise kids who don't participate in the running of a house.

You can declare that to be so, but I think you're wrong. I mean, I guess it depends how extreme the situation is. If the kids are literally doing nothing, then yeah, they're screwed. But, even if they do a little of it on their own, do a little of it with Dad, and he does the rest, I think they're probably going to be ok when necessity forces them into it. I'm skeptical of "tough love"/"spare the rod, spoil the child" approaches to parenting.

I agree, spare the rod spoil the child isn't the right method either, and these parents DO need to get on the same page. But if dad is always bailing them out (doing their homework? C'mon) it is to the detriment of the child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't get a sense of whether your kids are babied based on one incident. Sometimes my kids need a break from busy work and it's good to have an involved parent nearby.

It sounds like you burst into a room and make snap judgments, creating a furor. I would hate to live with you.

OP here....Hey, how come you can't get a sense of him based on one incident, but you can get a sense of me? Ha!


Anyway, yes, this is a constant theme. It's everything. Every morning the 8 year old is trying to walk out the door without tying his shoes. My response is to tell him to tie his shoes; Dad just ties them. I know it's faster if we do it, but the point is to get him to tie his shoes not just to have them tied. He'll get faster if he does it more. Dad is still cutting the 11 year old's food. Really? Let him cut his food! Let him order for himself at a restaurant. Let them learn to do things for themselves, to get that sense of accomplishment, to believe they are capable. I think it's so bad for them to do everything for them. And I'm a totally involved parent and absolutely willing to help if there's a problem. I don't think kids need to handle everything themselves or do it all on their own. But if they CAN do something, I believe in letting them do it. If they can do it, but not that well, I believe in giving them opportunities to practice.

Yikes. Cutting an 11 year olds food is not okay.
I'm on team OP. I think you guys need to get a counselor to work through this together.
Like PP, I do wonder if this is some anxiety, control thing with your husband. Whatever the reason, it is setting your kids up to fail.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the husbands approach does not work. That's how you raise kids who get overwhelmed and cheat when they get older because they haven't learned to do the work (budgeting time, msking plans, editing) when they were younger. It is also how to raise kids who don't participate in the running of a house.

You can declare that to be so, but I think you're wrong. I mean, I guess it depends how extreme the situation is. If the kids are literally doing nothing, then yeah, they're screwed. But, even if they do a little of it on their own, do a little of it with Dad, and he does the rest, I think they're probably going to be ok when necessity forces them into it. I'm skeptical of "tough love"/"spare the rod, spoil the child" approaches to parenting.

There’s a big gray area between “tough love/spare the rod” and doing your kid’s homework and tying their shoes for them. A middle ground it sounds like the Op is aiming for and her dh is undermining. I would go to a parenting coach or a child therapist, just the two of you, to talk this out with them. It’s clear he has no clue.

OP here - just to be clear - I would never hit my kids. DH isn't interested in coaching or therapy. He doesn't see the big deal in 'helping.'