Reply to Adopting after secondary infertility

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. My mother actually adopted a family friend's older child out of foster care recently and foster to adopt would be our preference. The issue with foster care is that our first child is still preschool age and we wouldn't want to go out of birth order. Plus we're in DC and my understanding is they have pretty much a 0% adoption rate/100% reunification rate. We'd be amenable to moving to another jurisdiction with more conducive foster to adopt policies, but wouldn't be able to do that for at least a few years and emotionally our family will need to be complete and able to move on from the hardship of infertility and failure by then.

What is the answer then? I would rather not have another child than "buy" a child or participate in shady adoption practices, but no, I'm absolutely not going to bring a traumatized, high needs older child into my preschooler's home. That is not safe or fair for anyone. [b]Are we just out of luck then?[/b][/quote]

It may help you to work on reframing the amount of luck you currently have, assuming you have a happy marriage.  You have a complete family right now, including a biological child.  Your family may grow someday, but only you have defined it as incomplete.  Do you think your child thinks it is incomplete?  I have a hunch it feels complete to him/her.  You have the choice to define it as complete NOW whether or not it may grow in the future.  You may find that you can appreciate the now of parenting much more if you choose to focus on what you have rather than what you don't.  These years pass so quickly; your child is already a preschooler.  What if all you had was a few more years together?  How can you invite yourself to feel complete and whole with what you have?

And thank you for being open to considering expanding your family in ways other than infant adoption. [/quote]

NP here. PP, I know you meant well, but would you honestly post this same thing in the Infertility forum? I don't think you get to tell another woman her family is complete if she doesn't feel it is.  Presumably most families with multiple kids felt incomplete after the first or else they wouldn't have had the rest.  I don't think it's an uncommon thing and is probably particularly magnified because reproductive control over family size is out of her hands barring additional means.[/quote]

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