Reply to people always telling my kid he's smart

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic. 
 [/quote]

oh this is a great suggestion - thanks! [/quote]

No, no, no. If you say "he works hard" and he actually isn't working hard because he actually is really smart and doesn't quite understand why others have to work so hard at things that are easy, then he is hearing you lying about him and this will mess him up. He may also fail to understand what hard work is if you keep calling his zero effort "hard work." Teaching a kid the difference between innate intelligence and hard work does not mean you pretend he isn't smart, or that you downplay his gift as if it is northing, or something embarrassing, or worse, that is simply isn't true. If he is smart, own it, but make sure he knows that to whom much is given, much is expected. Make sure he knows he is expected to do the work even when it is easy or boring, and to work hard when something doesn't come easy. Be prepared for the set back that typically comes in middle school or 9th grade, when he actually needs to put forth an effort to learn. Teach him kindness and not to be conceited. Celebrate your child for who he is. You can do that without making him a brat.[/quote]

Well, I suggested that on the presumption that her kid does actually put forth some effort. Like when my gifted kid makes an A on a test after studying, and I say “great job! That studying paid off.” If they didn’t study I might say something like “paying attention in class paid off.” But praising kids for being smart when it comes naturally when they’re not putting forth effort isn’t good either, for similar reasons. Eventually they’ll get to something they don’t understand without extra work and they may not now how to study or learn the material. Or they may feel like they failed because it didn’t come naturally to them.

Her kid is young, and sounds precocious. He may stay ahead of the pack, but most kids catch up and the playing field is evened out in middle elementary. It can throw kids off when they’re no longer the smartest, or when they’re suddenly not being praised for being the smartest. If you teach a kid to put forth their best effort and praise the effort whether they’re making an A+ or an A- or a C, it’s not so shocking when they move into harder material and have to put in more effort to get the same results. They’ll know the value of doing the work. [/quote]

This is the theory that Nurture Shock and Alfie Kohn have put forward.  It hasn't been tested.  And IMO, they're mixing up "praising kids for being smart leads to paralysis and unwillingness to try and fail" with anxiety.  Anxiety isn't sexy though.[/quote]

Anxiety is the new norm though, as a descriptor for anything that makes someone uncomfortable. So, it’s pretty sexy. It’s so sexy that my doctor basically patted me on the head when I had PPA, and despite reporting my symptoms to her for 18months, did nothing until I was so incapacitated I could barely leave the house. At The same time, I knew of women getting prescribed all kinds of stuff because they weren’t getting 8 full hours of sleep a night.

So, sexy diagnosis seems to depend on your doctor. [/quote]

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