Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 10:09     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.


oh this is a great suggestion - thanks!


No, no, no. If you say "he works hard" and he actually isn't working hard because he actually is really smart and doesn't quite understand why others have to work so hard at things that are easy, then he is hearing you lying about him and this will mess him up. He may also fail to understand what hard work is if you keep calling his zero effort "hard work." Teaching a kid the difference between innate intelligence and hard work does not mean you pretend he isn't smart, or that you downplay his gift as if it is northing, or something embarrassing, or worse, that is simply isn't true. If he is smart, own it, but make sure he knows that to whom much is given, much is expected. Make sure he knows he is expected to do the work even when it is easy or boring, and to work hard when something doesn't come easy. Be prepared for the set back that typically comes in middle school or 9th grade, when he actually needs to put forth an effort to learn. Teach him kindness and not to be conceited. Celebrate your child for who he is. You can do that without making him a brat.


Well, I suggested that on the presumption that her kid does actually put forth some effort. Like when my gifted kid makes an A on a test after studying, and I say “great job! That studying paid off.” If they didn’t study I might say something like “paying attention in class paid off.” But praising kids for being smart when it comes naturally when they’re not putting forth effort isn’t good either, for similar reasons. Eventually they’ll get to something they don’t understand without extra work and they may not now how to study or learn the material. Or they may feel like they failed because it didn’t come naturally to them.

Her kid is young, and sounds precocious. He may stay ahead of the pack, but most kids catch up and the playing field is evened out in middle elementary. It can throw kids off when they’re no longer the smartest, or when they’re suddenly not being praised for being the smartest. If you teach a kid to put forth their best effort and praise the effort whether they’re making an A+ or an A- or a C, it’s not so shocking when they move into harder material and have to put in more effort to get the same results. They’ll know the value of doing the work.


This is the theory that Nurture Shock and Alfie Kohn have put forward. It hasn't been tested. And IMO, they're mixing up "praising kids for being smart leads to paralysis and unwillingness to try and fail" with anxiety. Anxiety isn't sexy though.


Anxiety is the new norm though, as a descriptor for anything that makes someone uncomfortable. So, it’s pretty sexy. It’s so sexy that my doctor basically patted me on the head when I had PPA, and despite reporting my symptoms to her for 18months, did nothing until I was so incapacitated I could barely leave the house. At The same time, I knew of women getting prescribed all kinds of stuff because they weren’t getting 8 full hours of sleep a night.

So, sexy diagnosis seems to depend on your doctor.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 09:38     Subject: Re:people always telling my kid he's smart
Anonymous wrote:“Smart” might be code for “annoying”?

It was when my grandfather said it.
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 06:53     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.


oh this is a great suggestion - thanks!


but does he work hard?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 06:51     Subject: Re:people always telling my kid he's smart
“Smart” might be code for “annoying”?
Anonymous
Post 08/06/2019 06:50     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
My DD was a very early talker and got comments all the time on how bright she was. Now, at 10, while I still think she is the smartest, funniest person in the world, she is solidly in the middle of the pack academically and she doesn’t even remember what people used to say to her.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2019 21:19     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
OP here - thanks for this useful discussion, particularly from parents who get what this is like. I think there’s a good chance he’s gifted but as others said, gifted in one area doesn’t mean everything in life is a breeze. I appreciated the suggestions about learning to work hard, to be challenged, and to discuss privilege- lots of good ideas for me here.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2019 20:44     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
This is not something that you need to worry about.

Also, smart and hard work are two totally different things. You don’t get credit for being a hard worker just because you know a lot of facts.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2019 20:29     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
PP. Another thing tha might help is starting him on something that is challenging for him. New sport, instrument, language. Let him remember what it feels like to struggle and not be the best at something. That builds so much character in children who start feeling like their skills reflect innate talent and making mistakes means you're not that good.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2019 20:27     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
If he's smart, now is a good time to start learning about privilege. Show him how many children in the world don't have clean water, adequate food, a chance to go to school, etc. If he is able to learn about things, that's because he's had a lot of opportunities. Being better at things often means you benefit from a lot of luck. How can he start to share that with others?

Another thing you can say is, "it feels good to get positive compliments from people doesn't it? In my experience, sometimes people like you and sometimes they don't. It's more important that you feel good about yourself."
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2019 20:27     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.


oh this is a great suggestion - thanks!


No, no, no. If you say "he works hard" and he actually isn't working hard because he actually is really smart and doesn't quite understand why others have to work so hard at things that are easy, then he is hearing you lying about him and this will mess him up. He may also fail to understand what hard work is if you keep calling his zero effort "hard work." Teaching a kid the difference between innate intelligence and hard work does not mean you pretend he isn't smart, or that you downplay his gift as if it is northing, or something embarrassing, or worse, that is simply isn't true. If he is smart, own it, but make sure he knows that to whom much is given, much is expected. Make sure he knows he is expected to do the work even when it is easy or boring, and to work hard when something doesn't come easy. Be prepared for the set back that typically comes in middle school or 9th grade, when he actually needs to put forth an effort to learn. Teach him kindness and not to be conceited. Celebrate your child for who he is. You can do that without making him a brat.


Well, I suggested that on the presumption that her kid does actually put forth some effort. Like when my gifted kid makes an A on a test after studying, and I say “great job! That studying paid off.” If they didn’t study I might say something like “paying attention in class paid off.” But praising kids for being smart when it comes naturally when they’re not putting forth effort isn’t good either, for similar reasons. Eventually they’ll get to something they don’t understand without extra work and they may not now how to study or learn the material. Or they may feel like they failed because it didn’t come naturally to them.

Her kid is young, and sounds precocious. He may stay ahead of the pack, but most kids catch up and the playing field is evened out in middle elementary. It can throw kids off when they’re no longer the smartest, or when they’re suddenly not being praised for being the smartest. If you teach a kid to put forth their best effort and praise the effort whether they’re making an A+ or an A- or a C, it’s not so shocking when they move into harder material and have to put in more effort to get the same results. They’ll know the value of doing the work.


This is the theory that Nurture Shock and Alfie Kohn have put forward. It hasn't been tested. And IMO, they're mixing up "praising kids for being smart leads to paralysis and unwillingness to try and fail" with anxiety. Anxiety isn't sexy though.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2019 20:19     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.


oh this is a great suggestion - thanks!


No, no, no. If you say "he works hard" and he actually isn't working hard because he actually is really smart and doesn't quite understand why others have to work so hard at things that are easy, then he is hearing you lying about him and this will mess him up. He may also fail to understand what hard work is if you keep calling his zero effort "hard work." Teaching a kid the difference between innate intelligence and hard work does not mean you pretend he isn't smart, or that you downplay his gift as if it is northing, or something embarrassing, or worse, that is simply isn't true. If he is smart, own it, but make sure he knows that to whom much is given, much is expected. Make sure he knows he is expected to do the work even when it is easy or boring, and to work hard when something doesn't come easy. Be prepared for the set back that typically comes in middle school or 9th grade, when he actually needs to put forth an effort to learn. Teach him kindness and not to be conceited. Celebrate your child for who he is. You can do that without making him a brat.


Well, I suggested that on the presumption that her kid does actually put forth some effort. Like when my gifted kid makes an A on a test after studying, and I say “great job! That studying paid off.” If they didn’t study I might say something like “paying attention in class paid off.” But praising kids for being smart when it comes naturally when they’re not putting forth effort isn’t good either, for similar reasons. Eventually they’ll get to something they don’t understand without extra work and they may not now how to study or learn the material. Or they may feel like they failed because it didn’t come naturally to them.

Her kid is young, and sounds precocious. He may stay ahead of the pack, but most kids catch up and the playing field is evened out in middle elementary. It can throw kids off when they’re no longer the smartest, or when they’re suddenly not being praised for being the smartest. If you teach a kid to put forth their best effort and praise the effort whether they’re making an A+ or an A- or a C, it’s not so shocking when they move into harder material and have to put in more effort to get the same results. They’ll know the value of doing the work.
Anonymous
Post 08/05/2019 19:49     Subject: people always telling my kid he's smart
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just switch it around to “he works hard” whenever he hears that he’s smart. Don’t compliment the outcome, compliment the method of getting there. If he reads well and the teacher says he’s smart, say something like, he’s been practicing really hard since he was in preschool. It’s not contradicting the compliment, but showing that there was effort involved. He’ll hear that your praising him and his work ethic.


oh this is a great suggestion - thanks!


No, no, no. If you say "he works hard" and he actually isn't working hard because he actually is really smart and doesn't quite understand why others have to work so hard at things that are easy, then he is hearing you lying about him and this will mess him up. He may also fail to understand what hard work is if you keep calling his zero effort "hard work." Teaching a kid the difference between innate intelligence and hard work does not mean you pretend he isn't smart, or that you downplay his gift as if it is northing, or something embarrassing, or worse, that is simply isn't true. If he is smart, own it, but make sure he knows that to whom much is given, much is expected. Make sure he knows he is expected to do the work even when it is easy or boring, and to work hard when something doesn't come easy. Be prepared for the set back that typically comes in middle school or 9th grade, when he actually needs to put forth an effort to learn. Teach him kindness and not to be conceited. Celebrate your child for who he is. You can do that without making him a brat.