Anonymous wrote:Oh dear. You are very high maintenance. I hope you are a troll. But if you are not, learn this right now. She is not the MIL you expect her to be, so deal with who you have, and not who you think she should be, (this will serve you well when you have children - they also will not be what you imagined).

She sounds like a piece of work, but clearly she doesn’t care about the kinds of things you do. She’s not sentimental, and she clearly takes a less formal view of life than you do. Lighten up, Francis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues. Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.

Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do. Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare? If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want. I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues. If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you.

You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are.

This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses.

I believe your hearts in the right place I also have a difficult MIL who acted in ways completely different from what I expected, and yeah it was rough. But I'm glad that (with a few exceptions) I managed to preserve our relationship and now things are pretty OK. I would definitely not have any "come to jesus" talks with her about whether she's close enough to you guys, etc. It's a hard transition to make for an adult child, but it sounds like your DH (and you) need to start seeing yourselves in more of a caretaker role towards her now. Sometimes that happens sooner than you would expect. My guess is that the more kindness and warmth you show her, the more you facilitate her relationship with your DH (and eventually your kids) without expecting any particular response, the better things will turn out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a combination of you being a bit of a bridezilla (or just an event-zilla) and your MIL being odd/having issues. Some of what you wrote makes me think there's also something going on like alcoholism or anxiety or just having a hard time adjusting -- not attending the 30th birthday party, and wanting her friend to be in the bridal suite, suggest she's having issues coping.

Also I think that you have too many expectations for what a MIL "should" do. Some of the stuff you listed is just not sharing a frame of reference -- why should she know that cancellations to venues are rare? If you're going to consult her on small planning details, then you need to be prepared for her to participate, and not be annoyed if she doesn't participate in the exact way you want. I think you should probably just stop consulting her on small issues. If you want to be inclusive, just update her every once and a while about big decisions you've made, and stop micromanaging her responses to you.

You're trying to prove something by involving her to the degree you are, and you're failing to understand her responses indicate that she's anxious about the wedding, and not interested/as clue-d in about planning as you are.

This is such good feedback. Thank you so much! We do suspect alcoholism and general anxiety/coping issues. FWIW, I agreed to have her friend in the bridal suite because I sensed that would make her more comfortable. I can definitely get micromanage-y at times and I think you're advise is spot-on; I'm trying to micromanage her responses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is very similar to what you’re describing. I also think you’re overreacting. Most of the things you listed are very minor and I cannot fathom why #4 and #5 bothered you at all.

Thanks for responding. I guess I'm not even sure why they bother me. I guess I assumed a future MIL would be excited to be included in the process, but you're right, it really doesn't matter in the long run and isn't worth worrying about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like bridezilla and like you are really needy/oversensitive. Why do you keep emphasizing that its a splurge for this and that? Nobody asked you to spend the money, maybe her friend didn't know how to makeup/hair thing works. You really need to get over yourself.

I do think I'm being needy in that she has never shown me an ounce of affection and I do want a closer relationship with her (or, at the very least, her approval). I emphasized that it was a splurge because my fiance and I aren't the wealthiest people in the world and we were excited to be able to book such a well-known and high quality vendor. It was wrong of me to immediately take offence that my future MIL did not understand/did not share our excitement.