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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I wish.  I wish I had my own room.  I wish I could live away from him but not our child.  I wish he and his bad moods and silent treatment and racism and misogyny and constant rage over nothing would just disappear.  One of us will have a coronary soon and maybe the other one will be happy.  I root for me to survive so that I can be the one to raise our child.[/quote]

and why don't you divorce? Sounds terrible[/quote]

It really is.  I appreciate the sympathy, if that’s what it is.  Our child is 5.  He is an involved dad and would want 50%.  He’s also extreme my vindictive when he feels like someone is the enemy. Like, he’d burn down his entire retirement before he’d let me “win” in anything contested in a divorce. I don’t want to leave our kid alone with him for 50% custody, since his moods are so awful.  I don’t believe he would be violent with the child but his rages and silent treatments are so corrosive and scary, and right now I can at least leave for the day or take my child to another room and give him love and attention when the mood turns bad.  I had a raging bipolar parent and I remember how terrifying it was to be alone with her.  I’ll never forgive myself for choosing a spouse so poorly and putting my child in harm’s way like this. But I don’t know of anything I can do but stay as the least worst option.

Like the PP above, I dream of his death.  I would never hurt him, but I would not be sad for myself at all.  I actually still love him in a way; I’m sorry he is so so angry with everything; I wish he could be happy and wouldn’t stand in his way if leaving would make him less toxic.  It would be a HUGE relief to be free from all of this anger and volatility. I know our child would be sad if he died or left.  But he would also be emotionally healthier as an adult if he had a dad who died young rather than a volatile, racist, raging asshole in his life every day.  But I don’t feel like I can leave and leave our child alone with him half the time.

Sorry to derail this whole thread.[/quote]

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