Anonymous wrote:np: I am doing this. I figure it's better than no contact. Makes me feel I'm meeting my obligation to speak to my mom, without the possibility of ugliness that would lurk if we didn't have the therapist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will never have a normal relationship with them.

You could consider individual counseling to manage your interactions better.

+1. Yes to individual counseling, so you can understand and guard against dynamics that are negative for you, and so that you can figure out what is realistic to expect from the relationships.

Anonymous wrote:See a therapist to grieve the childhood/relationship you wish you had. Process this alone with therapist (or with healthy friends).

Do not involve the parents. It will make you crazy. Even if it provides insight to you and them, there's the ability to admit wrong, and then there's the ability to change. They likely lack both.

Anonymous wrote:I did this with a BPD sibling. It turned into them yelling and blaming me the entire time, quitting going to sessions, and them blaming me for it not going anywhere.

I'd say it was still semi productive - I got some validation knowing I tried, and it solidified me not wanting much to do with them going forward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I m do desperate to have a normal parent/child relationship.

I get it. I've also grieved not having that normal relationship.

The thing is, the reason the relationship isn't normal is because they don't recognize their damaging behaviors. Yet, when confronted with those behaviors, they tend not to respond empathetically. It's too painful for them to think of themselves as less than ideal, so they resort to distortions of the truth and downright delusions in order to cope with anything difficult. Many times NPD's have themselves experienced emotional abuse that has affected their emotional development. They often don't know what offering nurturing looks like. So you might ask for emotional support, and they might even agree, but they won't necessarily be able to deliver.

Another caution is that NPD's can be manipulative. Their manipulations are often subtle and tailored specifically for the target. You may have even had the experience of trying to describe a crummy interaction with your parents to someone else and having your audience shrug wondering why the conflict felt so big to you. NPD's can bring that same manipulation into therapy. Even a trained therapist doesn't necessarily know what grenades your parents will throw and how things affect you. Oftentimes we don't fully process manipulation until the moment has passed.

One thing I have heard from adult children of narcissists about therapy with their parents that is positive: it's a chance to show up as an adult and set boundaries. If you have done the work on yourself to the point where you feel you can stand up to them, sometimes it feels good to do so. They won't agree with you or come to your side, but it's a chance to say, with a referee present "I don't agree with your version of events," or "I won't allow you to continue to with 'x' in this way." That said, this is still difficult and emotional work.

BTW, have you ever checked out the discussion forum on outofthefog.net? There is a message board with lots of great advice for those with personality disordered family members.