Reply to S/O locking spouse out of bedroom or "requiring" spouse to sleep on couch

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "S/O locking spouse out of bedroom or "requiring" spouse to sleep on couch"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH here.  DW can always outlast me in a fight.  No matter how exhausted she is, she'll keep yelling, and keep escalating.  Not great at controlling her emotions.  Best case scenario is she cries herself to sleep.

On the flip side, if I'm pissed at her, I'll go sleep in the guest room, and lock the door.  Sure, she could (and does occasionally) unlock it with a paper clip, but it's a strong message that I'm disengaging and won't keep fighting.  I have never locked her out of our room.

Not a perfect solution, but better than the alternative given she can't control her anger and emotions.  Occasionally, if she knows she is at fault, she will calm down, unlock the door after I've fallen asleep, and get in the guest room bed with me and sleep there.  [/quote]

So, when she is upset about something, your response is to completely disengage, then wonder why she continues to escalate?  She wants to talk to you.  It doesn't sound to me like either of you are good at controlling your emotions.  It just looks different when you feel out of control.  [/quote]

It doesn't happen instantly.  I will start off cooperative and trying to resolve the issue.  Oftentimes that works.  Sometimes not.  I hate to play this card, but I can usually predict whether we're going to resolve an issue, not by what the issue is or what I say, but by:

The amount of sleep she's had

The amount of stress she's under

Whether it is that time of the month

How the kids have been treating her

How hard she has been working

Certain triggers like leaving on vacation or my family visiting

It doesn't matter who is upset with whom to start the argument.  She could be upset at me for not picking up the dry-cleaning (I'm just making something up) or leaving my crap everywhere around the house, or I could be upset with her for something equally small. We're not fighting over affairs, substance abuse, gambling, or anything serious.

But once she starts to "spin up" and yell, and I yell back, it is up to me to either straight capitulate (which is what my father did to my mother, and she walked all over him), or deescalate.  And the only way I've found to do that is to physically leave the room.   Nothing productive ever happens if we keep arguing, as she is running 100% on emotion and cannot be reasoned with.

After a cooling-off period, though, she is very reasonable, and often apologetic.  She will come to me, cry, apologize, and tell me I deserve a better spouse and partner.  Again, not all the time, but frequently.

I kind of wish we could be like normal couples and deal with our problems through make-up sex.  That never happens, and arguments wreak havoc on our love life.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics