Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a severe over use of the word bully on this thread. Not liking another kid is not bullying. 13 year old girls are allowed to not love everyone.

If I was in your situation I'd scrap the party idea entirely. I'd let my DD pick ONE friend to do something special with to celebrate.

+1. My children know they must be polite to anyone they have to interact with regardless of whether or not they like the person, but for voluntary social occasions during their free time they can choose who to invite based on who they enjoy spending time with. I would not get involved in OP's scenario, especially given that it's the kid's birthday party.

If someone was invited and people were unkind, I would put a stop to that, but not being invited to something isn't treating the girl badly.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you kind moms for the perspectives. Yes, this is bullying, as I was able to observe on text messages and snapchat. It is the reason I have removed snapchat from DD's phone, even though she's perfectly capable of removing regular messages as well. Still, she does not, perhaps to invite the discussion.

I define bullying by actively organizing to remove this kid from their group, advocating with new members of the group to avoid her, checking in with my child to make sure she does avoid her, using expletives whenever this girl's name is mentioned. I am not sure what they do to her in person, at school.

Removing my child from this group is tough, because they are in the same class at school, so they see each other every day. Things can also turn against my kid (as they had, in the past), and she would not be able to handle that outcome nearly as gracefully as her friend has. This is the one "fun" class DD has in 7th grade, which explains their influence. I talked to the friend's mom and the effects on her kid are profound.

So inviting everyone to great big party seems to be out of the question -- the nastiness is too advanced for that to happen. I also do not want to reward bad behavior by proceeding with the party as planned, without this kid. I'll have a chat with DD and figure out alternative options, as many have pointed out. I have also reached out to the school at this point, because we will need their support in addressing the issue, at least help separating the parties involved and support the girl who is getting bullied.

Thank you again for the sane perspective.

Anonymous wrote:There is a severe over use of the word bully on this thread. Not liking another kid is not bullying. 13 year old girls are allowed to not love everyone.

If I was in your situation I'd scrap the party idea entirely. I'd let my DD pick ONE friend to do something special with to celebrate.

Anonymous wrote:Just because two kids dislike one, that doesn't make them bullies. Maybe the one kid who is disliked is really mean to everyone.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you kind moms for the perspectives. Yes, this is bullying, as I was able to observe on text messages and snapchat. It is the reason I have removed snapchat from DD's phone, even though she's perfectly capable of removing regular messages as well. Still, she does not, perhaps to invite the discussion.

I define bullying by actively organizing to remove this kid from their group, advocating with new members of the group to avoid her, checking in with my child to make sure she does avoid her, using expletives whenever this girl's name is mentioned. I am not sure what they do to her in person, at school.

Removing my child from this group is tough, because they are in the same class at school, so they see each other every day. Things can also turn against my kid (as they had, in the past), and she would not be able to handle that outcome nearly as gracefully as her friend has. This is the one "fun" class DD has in 7th grade, which explains their influence. I talked to the friend's mom and the effects on her kid are profound.

So inviting everyone to great big party seems to be out of the question -- the nastiness is too advanced for that to happen. I also do not want to reward bad behavior by proceeding with the party as planned, without this kid. I'll have a chat with DD and figure out alternative options, as many have pointed out. I have also reached out to the school at this point, because we will need their support in addressing the issue, at least help separating the parties involved and support the girl who is getting bullied.

Thank you again for the sane perspective.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you kind moms for the perspectives. Yes, this is bullying, as I was able to observe on text messages and snapchat. It is the reason I have removed snapchat from DD's phone, even though she's perfectly capable of removing regular messages as well. Still, she does not, perhaps to invite the discussion.

I define bullying by actively organizing to remove this kid from their group, advocating with new members of the group to avoid her, checking in with my child to make sure she does avoid her, using expletives whenever this girl's name is mentioned. I am not sure what they do to her in person, at school.

Removing my child from this group is tough, because they are in the same class at school, so they see each other every day. Things can also turn against my kid (as they had, in the past), and she would not be able to handle that outcome nearly as gracefully as her friend has. This is the one "fun" class DD has in 7th grade, which explains their influence. I talked to the friend's mom and the effects on her kid are profound.

So inviting everyone to great big party seems to be out of the question -- the nastiness is too advanced for that to happen. I also do not want to reward bad behavior by proceeding with the party as planned, without this kid. I'll have a chat with DD and figure out alternative options, as many have pointed out. I have also reached out to the school at this point, because we will need their support in addressing the issue, at least help separating the parties involved and support the girl who is getting bullied.

Thank you again for the sane perspective.

Anonymous wrote:I'd talk to your daughter about the dynamic, about how she is participating in hurting and excluding her friend, and about what she thinks is kind to do.

Personally, I would be upset that my kid was participating in this nonsense. If she's friends with the girl, she needs to stand up when others are being unkind to her. It's fine if other kids don't like that kid--everyone isn't friends with everyone--but they ought to be kind, and that includes your daughter. I would not be throwing a party that was a vehicle for exclusion and hurt. She could do something else to celebrate her birthday.

Anonymous wrote:The feelings I'm looking to protect are the targeted girl's. I worry that if she comes, she will be made miserable. I will be hovering and helping, but at the end of the day, it takes only a subtle snub to have a big impact. These are freshly minted teenagers, not mature adults, and feelings are volatile. These two girls have already mused that if she comes, she will be alone, essentially setting the expectation for the entire group on what the "expected" behavior should be.

So if DD is worried about how her friend will feel, I will take that information at face value.

Options I'm looking at:
- not inviting these two girls who are stirring this issue. This is pretty much a nuclear option -- lots of tears and possibly retribution at school.
- sending the invite, but having a conversation with the mom, so that she might be on hand, and looking in the group for a designated "buddy".
- sending the invite, but offering the option of an outing just with DD and the targeted girl, in case she does not feel like braving the crowd
- come to think of it, maybe the party *should* be with the group, and have a separate outing with the two trouble makers -- option 1, less nuclear.
- having a stern conversation with the two kids before the party setting up an "instant end" if anyone is mean.

Any moms of older teens out there? I've never seen something quite like this...