Reply to Has anyone's marriage successfully overcome domestic violence?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm the previous prosecutor poster coming back to comment on the last two posts.  As much as I appreciate their perspectives, I get frustrated when people chalk up DV to "anger issues."  DV is about so much more than anger problems.  If it were only about his anger, he'd also hit his children, parents, boss, server at a restaurant, other drivers on the road etc. etc. when they made him angry too.  There's an additional pathology with domestic abusers that's less fixable than someone who just has problems controlling their anger.  [/quote]

This is a very interesting perspective I never thought of. What do you think it is about the marital relationship that makes them violent? Arguably marriage is the most intimate relationship most people have, and thus is capable of producing anger and frustration above and beyond what one experiences in other relationships.[/quote]

NP and DV survivor. DV is about controlling a partner so that the abuser is the only important person in their life. It’s not about the “marital relationship” being intimate. And it’s not about “anger”. My ex has excellent control over himself - and he chose when to abuse me. It may have looked like anger from the outside, but it wasn’t, not really. It was when he felt as though he didn’t have “enough” control over me, or when I “disobeyed” him or did something I knew he didn’t like. [/quote]

I'm sure that was the case in your situation, but I don't think every DV situation is the same.   In the case close to me, anger issues were definitely a part of it.   Your experience doesn't negate mine.[/quote]

No it doesn’t negate anyone experience. I was just saying that what can look like anger isn’t always just that. If you want to read about DV a book I found really helpful was “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and abusive men” by Lundy Bancroft. It talks about the different types of abusers, and why they act the way they do, and how they justify their behavior.

And frankly, if you aren’t IN the abusive relationship (ie, sharing a home with them or the abuser/abused party) you probably know a lot less than you think you do. [/quote]

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